While 30 days is a good rule of thumb, everybody is different. Some people move on really fast after a breakup, while other people take a long time. If 30 days pass and you still aren’t ready, it’s totally okay to extend your period of no contact.
You could say, “Hey, just a head’s up, I’m going to block you on social media for a while and I won’t answer the phone. You didn’t do anything wrong or anything, but I just need some space to focus on me if that’s okay. ”
You can tell the new contact rule is working if things start to improve over a few weeks. Some people think “no contact rule” means “take a week off from talking to them,” but give yourself plenty of runway here.
If the breakup was kind of dramatic and sudden, you may want to reach out after a week or two. While that’s always an option, it’s still probably best to take a few months to cool off. [7] X Research source If they reach out first to repair things and you want that as well but it hasn’t been at least 90 days, go ahead and tell them. Say something like, “Hey, I do want to reconnect and repair things, but I also kind of need time to cool off. Please give a few weeks to figure out how I feel before we reconnect. ”
If you were with an abusive person or they had a tendency to gaslight you into thinking things are your fault, it can cross some wires in your head. Show yourself some love and take as much time as you need to recover. [9] X Research source
Just to clarify, this may take years. Don’t plan on reaching out to a toxic ex any time soon—even if you really, really want to.
If they hit you up in the meantime, let them know you need some time to figure out what you want. This kind of sends the signal that you’re still weighing your options—which should make them want you even more!
One way to figure out if you’re “done” with the no contact rule is to ask yourself, “If I found out that he/she/they fell in love and started going out with someone new, would I be upset?” If the answer is that you’d feel nothing at all, you’re done![14] X Research source
If you find yourself thinking more and more about your ex over the next few weeks or months, consider seeing a therapist. They can really help you work through what you’re feeling.
