Try to think of an argument as you and your partner vs. the problem, not you vs. your partner. If you can both tackle issues together, your communication is much less likely to break down.

Think of “fair fights” as more of discussions rather than arguments. Someone is bringing up a problem, and now you need to work together to solve it. In fair fights, there are no winners or losers—both of you should feel content with the outcome of your discussion.

Think about someone you really respect in your life, like your parent or your boss. Would you ever call them names? The same should be true for your partner.

“When you call me stupid or dumb, it makes me feel belittled. ” “When you call me names, I feel really sad. ” “I know you’re just expressing your anger, but getting called names makes me feel like you don’t love me. ”

“I know that you’re calling me names because you’re upset. I’d really love it if you could talk to me about your feelings instead so that we could have a productive conversation. ” “When you feel like you want to call me names, maybe you could pause and gather your thoughts first. Then, we could regroup and come back to talk about why you’re upset. ” If you’re having trouble talking through this with your partner on your own, consider having a couple’s counselor facilitate the conversation.

Remember, your safety is your top priority. If you feel unsafe, call a trusted friend, a relative, or the authorities to help you. If you are in an abusive relationship and you need help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

“I can feel myself getting worked up. Could we take a break for a second?” “I just need 10 minutes to get my thoughts straight. ”

“I’m upset because I asked you to do the dishes, but they still aren’t done. ” “I’m feeling frustrated because we’ve had this same conversation before, and I feel like you’re not listening to me. ”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just really frustrated right now. ” “I’m so sorry, I should not have just called you that. Could we take a pause for a second?”