Fighting reasserts each person’s independence. If the two of you agreed on everything all the time, you’d lose your sense of self. The occasional conflict reminds each of you that you’re different people and might help stimulate conversations, ideas, and a deeper understanding of your partner. [4] X Expert Source Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETSClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 3 February 2022. Arguments can reestablish where boundaries exist. Fighting can signal what is and is not permissible, and that’s an essential part of any healthy relationship. Smaller arguments help you practice for serious conflict in the future. Arguing over “smaller” stuff prepares you for the really tough stuff you might face if you get married or stay together for years. Arguments strengthen your bond. As weird as it sounds, the makeup portion of an argument actually brings you closer to your partner.
If the relationship is kind of fresh, don’t worry about your lack of fighting. It’ll happen naturally over time. It’s normal for the beginning of a relationship to be extremely peaceful. [7] X Research source You don’t need a ton of fighting for it to be considered healthy. It’s perfectly fine if you and your partner only come into conflict a few times a year. Every couple is different when it comes to the frequency. [8] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
Avoidance can create an environment where it becomes increasingly difficult to be honest. If you hold back on something small that’s irking you, it will eventually feel like a massive irritation. Perpetual avoidance makes it hard for a couple to cultivate boundaries, since neither partner will learn where the lines are for one another. If you’re the one avoiding a tough conversation, the stress of trying to tiptoe around talking about it all the time is going to build up and make you scared or sad to engage with your partner.
It takes time to work out an understanding over a complicated issue. It’s impossible to resolve an issue like cheating overnight. None of this is to say that it should go on for months and months at a time. A week of arguing here or a few days of disagreement there isn’t a big deal, though.
For example, if one person feels like the other partner doesn’t respect them, they may lash out over dishes not being done, a playful joke their partner makes, or their partner not picking up the phone. Until the source of the problem is addressed, the fighting will just continue.
If the fighting is super stressful for you, your partner, or the both of you, then it’s a problem. You shouldn’t be doing something every day if it makes you unhappy. Everybody has their own threshold for this stuff, so focus on how it makes you feel more than how often it happens.
It’s probably better to have 6-10 calm arguments a year than it is to have 1 giant fight where the two of you end up not talking for a month.
It often helps to remind yourself in your head, “I love this person, I care about them, don’t say something you’ll regret. ” Do not try to “win. ” There’s no winning here. It’s not a zero-sum game—the goal is to resolve a problem. You can only do that if you don’t approach arguments like they’re competitions.
Schedule time to argue! Knowing ahead of time that you’re going to argue takes a lot of the unpredictability out of it. Start each fight by agreeing on an objective. This way, you can both work towards a solution instead of spinning your wheels going back and forth. This is especially key if the two of you have been having the same fight over and over again, which happens when there’s no roadmap for the argument!
For example, let’s say you’d normally say something like, “You never clean up around the house. You make things so dirty! You let this kitchen just get so dirty and then I get stuck cleaning it up. ” Using the “I” rule, you might say, “I feel like I’m doing all of the work around here when the kitchen gets left like this. I know I can be a bit of a clean freak, but it’s really important to me. ” Name calling will get you absolutely nowhere. Just don’t do it.
It may be surprising, but the honeymoon phase often lasts 6-12 months! It takes time, so don’t freak out that your relationship is dying if you’ve been together for a full year and now you’re suddenly fighting. [21] X Research source
Some couples have really quiet, tepid fights. Other couples have fights that take on a more “business-like” tone. Some relationships have arguments that reach tears, and some require makeup sex for the calm version of the argument to even take place. Everyone is different in this department, and that’s okay. Fighting is a little bit of an art. If you and your partner aren’t fighting productively and it’s early on in the relationship, keep working at it![23] X Research source
While it’s possible for toxic relationships to improve, it is an unfortunate truth that every couple is not meant to last. It’s okay to end an unhealthy relationship. Never put up with abuse. There’s no fixing a relationship where one of the partners is physically, emotionally, or verbally abusive to the other person.
People often make these kinds of dramatic gestures when they get extremely heated, so it’s essential to pause if either you or your partner start venturing into this territory; just stop the conversation.
For example, if your partner calls you a name, you might say, “Hey, that’s unfair. I’m not insulting you, so don’t call me names. It’s unproductive. ” If it can’t be handled that way, exit the conversation. Think about the difference between “I feel like you’re being irresponsible,” versus, “You’re irresponsible. ” Keep things focused on your feelings, not their behavior, and don’t put your partner down.
Do not hesitate to call 911 if you’re in trouble. You can also reach out to National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) to get some free help.
This is one of the reasons beings honest and vulnerable is so important in a relationship. If you get into the habit of not sharing how you feel or lying about what you’re thinking, it can generate friction in the relationship.
This is why couples argue over things like doing the dishes. One partner expects a level of commitment when it comes to taking care of a shared space and when they don’t get that, it feels like a serious violation. [33] X Research source
These conversations often erupt into arguments because these issues can feel deeply personal and it’s hard to compromise on this stuff for most folks. You can absolutely come to a resolution on these issues if you’re calm and take your time, though. The good news here is that if you can find any kind of middle ground early on, these issues are often very easy to move on from. If you’re in a ton of debt and your partner is wealthy, making a rule like, “No fancy vacations until the debt is fixed, and no money lending but gifts are okay,” can really curb the fights.
