If your family has a lot going on, set aside 1-2 nights a week for family dates, or one-on-one dates with your kids. Choose a time that does not conflict with other obligations. Set aside time that does not have other obligations or prior plans, such as a meeting or class.
If you find cell phones or computers are being particularly problematic in your family’s communication attempts, set a rule to have no phones or computers out an hour before bed, or from dinner onward–then enforce the rule, and hold yourself accountable. If the child in question is the one using the phone and not listening during class or while you are trying to talk, kindly request that the phone is put away for the next five minutes.
Be careful of your gaze. Although you should make eye contact, do so naturally, rather than staring the child down. Blink as you normally would, and feel free to occasionally glance down to watch the child’s hands as they talk, or their mouth as it moves. If you cannot hold eye contact, get on your knees or sit down so your eyes are on the same level. This encourages open communication and suggests you and the child are on equal footing.
There is never a situation where hurrying to respond is a good idea. Take your time. Your conversations and time spent with children should not be rushed. Keep in mind that children and teenagers are usually very good at manipulation and getting a rise out of adults.
Encourage children to practice mindfulness with you. Gently point out if a child’s attention has started to wander, or they have become less engaged. Lead by example, and teach kids how to be present.
When you ask, be prepared to listen. If you don’t have enough time to devote to the answer, wait to ask the question. If you make a habit of asking about a kid’s day but are too busy or distracted to listen to the answer, you defeat the purpose of asking.
There is a fine line between getting involved, and being overbearing. Ask how you can get involved, and how they would like you to be involved.
Misunderstanding is one of the greatest pitfalls in effective communication. If you are not sure what a child means by something, take a few moments to ask and continue to practice this step until you have a clear idea of what is being said.
Being open-minded is not the same as being inconsistent or easily swayed. Being open-minded simply means listening to the opinions and views of others, and not immediately discounting them if they run counter to your own. Make sure your child’s ideas and feelings are validated. Remember that a child is a separate entity with their own feelings, ideas, and dreams, and should be treated as such.
Children need boundaries to feel safe and secure. This is as true of an 18-month-old as it is an 18-year-old senior in high school. Setting boundaries gives children the freedom to make their own decisions without constantly needing to consult others. Try to get your child or teen involved in setting boundaries as they are more likely to follow them this way and see that their opinions are valued.
Some parents use a “safety circle” or another tool to encourage children to be open and honest while keeping punishments low or nonexistent. Decide if this is the right decision for your family or situation. You can also encourage open communication with the understanding that a fair consequence should be expected. For instance, a child may admit that they’ve broken a window with the understanding that they must contribute to the cost of repairing the window.
When saying “no,” remember that not every “no” is a negative answer. Instead, let children know that a “no” is like a fence or bodyguard that keeps them safe. Be sure to teach your child that is it okay for them to say “no” sometimes as well.
As you place an infant on the ground for tummy time, for instance, you can quickly say, “I am going to set you down for tummy time so you can get stronger. ” When you tell a school-age child they cannot go to a friend’s sleepover, explain that you do not know your friend’s parents, and you do not feel comfortable entrusting their safety to a stranger. Keep in mind that you don’t always have to explain yourself to your children. However, doing so now and then is a good way to model open communication. Make sure that you do not bring yourself down to their level and be on the lookout for manipulation. Also, make sure to pick your battles wisely. Some things are not worth fighting with your child about.
Although this is an excellent way to communicate, it serves the dual purpose of teaching children how to communicate with others. Work to model effective, civil conversation whenever possible.
Offering to alternatives is a good way to compromise and allow your child to be heard while also enforcing your own rules. Sometimes, you will need to give a firm “no,” rather than a “no, but what about something else?” Learn to recognize the difference between something that requires an absolute no (something dangerous or impossible, for instance), and something that requires a “no, but…”
Part of communication is explaining what being part of a community means, and how every community member needs to support and encourage others. Requiring a child to exercise responsibility teaches community quickly and effectively.
This can be practiced from toddlerhood and on. A toddler, for instance, can choose between a trip to the library and a trip to the store. An adolescent might like to choose between the beach or a camping trip for a summer vacation. A teenager might like to choose between two movies on a relaxed day in class. Teach and encourage children to make their own decisions, and to make decisions as a group.
