Never attempt to force another person to love you, to snap out of an addiction or mental illness, or to make significant life changes against their will. The “success” of serious emotional manipulation is tense, fragile, and extremely damaging to yourself and the other people involved. If these are your goals, find a healthier approach instead.
Usually, the easiest way to find out their motivations is to simply ask: “Why do you think this is a good idea?” You can also try and figure it out by listening to what they say and watching what they do. For example, your project partner is not contributing as much work as you’d like. He might be motivated by a sense of fairness (he already thinks he’s doing enough), laziness (he wants to avoid the work), or low self-esteem (he doesn’t think he can do the work as well as you).
For example, you want your mom to vote a certain way in an election. She’s voting for the incumbent candidate because she knows her political stance better, and agrees with her social values. You know she values educational spending more than the social values platform, since she used to be a teacher. You can use facts about your candidate’s relationship with children, families, and education policy to motivate her to change her mind.
There’s no reason to be coy about finding out why someone doesn’t like an idea. Frequently, once someone says why they don’t like an idea out-loud, they’ll think that it sounds stupid or realize that they can’t explain themselves well, which can give you the perfect opening to talk them over to your side.
For example, let’s say that you want an investor to support your start-up company. Talk to them about how by supporting your company, they’re paving the way for innovation. They will be the hero that brings positive change to your community. They get to be the next Andrew Carnegie, leaving ripples of good work through history.
For example, let’s say that you want your sister to switch chores with you. Help her to see that by cleaning the kitchen, she’ll be contributing to the house in a way that everyone will notice. Explain that you’d rather weed the garden for your own enjoyment, but that no one ever thanks people for those tasks.
An important part of this technique, though, is not letting them see an ulterior motive. They need to believe that you sincerely want to help them because you like them. It’s up to you how true this needs to be; for your own comfort, you may want to avoid exploitative situations.
Seem in control by first of all being knowledgeable. Do your research. Know what it is you’re talking about. After that, project confidence as you discuss a solid plan that you have. Be ready for questions and have lots of counter arguments prepared.
For example, avoid calling their views or choices “stupid” or explaining your views to them like they’re a child or mentally deficient. Instead, build them up, be positive in your interactions, and do nice things for them. When they see you as a nice person who goes out of your way to help others, they’ll want you to succeed, they’ll want you to get your way, because it reinforces the idea that fate rewards good people. Their need for the world to be “fair” will necessitate that they do what you want.
For example, make them feel sorry for you. If you’re trying to convince your mom to let you go to summer camp, say something like, “I just don’t want to stay home all summer while my friends are away. I get so sad when there’s no one around. " People whose emotions are easily swayed tend to be vulnerable. Think carefully about the effect you’ll have if you succeed. Are you comfortable causing regret or panic to get what you want, or will that spoil your victory?
For example, convince a boss to give you a sabbatical by listing the job-related skills you’ll learn, and showing studies that breaks make employees more productive.
For example, say something like “You know, I’d like to be the speaker for our presentation but I feel like I would just say everything wrong. Probably freeze up too. You’re just so much better at talking to people and making a convincing argument than I am. You’d probably have the whole group eating out of your hand. ”
For example, say something like “My poor friend Dale is such a good guy. It’s a shame he never seems to catch a break. He’s got so much going for him too: he works so hard and he’s really smart. He’s even charming, really charming, once you get to know him. ” if you want to try and get them to realize that they should hire/date/whatever Dale. They’ll hear this fantastic description and think, “You know, he doesn’t sound half bad. Maybe I should. . . ”
For example, say something like, “You know, I heard they’re not going to be making these any more. If you want one, it’s probably better to buy it now, before you have to spend three times as much on eBay in order to get one. ” This kind of language and persuasion should be your last resort, because you usually only get to do this once. People quickly figure out that you’re just fear-mongering in order to get what you want, and then they won’t trust anything you say. This kind of reputation can spread as well, so be careful.
For example, you might want to make some random girl you met fall in love with you. However, what you’re really worried about is that you feel like you’ll never meet someone who’s right for you, so you’re clinging to this girl who under normal circumstances you wouldn’t even like (or whom you at least have nothing in common with). A better way to deal with the situation would be to start looking in the right places, so that you find someone who really is your match. Even if you don’t end up finding someone right to date right off the bat, you’ll at least know that they’re out there.
Ask yourself: why do I need to control this situation? What happens if I’m not in control? You probably feel like things will go wrong if you don’t control the situation. However, who’s to say that what happens is what’s wrong? Even a bad outcome may actually be a good outcome in disguise. For example, maybe you want to control girl you like to make her go out with you. However, if you could make her go out with you, you may find out that she’s actually mean, manipulative, or bad for you in some other way. Now you’re stuck with her and the bad experiences that come from dating her! You don’t want that.
Start to embrace this concept by letting go of small things, like letting your waiter suggest something for you to eat when you go out to a restaurant. You can also develop your ability to accept your situation by exposing yourself to more situations which are outside of your control, such as by traveling to an unfamiliar place.
For example, maybe make yourself a schedule and work to stick to it, in order to create more time for you to get things done at work and do them well. This will work much better than trying to control your coworkers to make them do your tasks for you.
