It will also be helpful to observe who they are being mean to, if it is more than one person. What do these people have in common that make your friends target them? You can take mental notes of your observations, and just store them in your memory, or you can write them down in a private journal. Hide the journal well, though, so it doesn’t make things worse if it’s ever found.
Are they only mean to people who belong to a certain group (e. g. racial, ethnic, religious, et cetera)? Are they mean on certain days? What might be going on that this behavior only comes about on particular days? (For example, maybe it is always after a visit with a parent, if their parents are divorced. ) Are they only mean when they are around a certain person or a certain other group of people (i. e. is that person or group influencing them)? Is it only one friend who is being mean and is getting others involved? Are a few friends all participating equally? Are they making mean comments to you or to others? Are they being somewhat physical in their meanness, like shoving, pushing, tripping, or something else? Are they threatening you or others? Is their behavior typical of bullying, or is it something more?
Did you say something that offended someone? Did you cancel plans with a friend for no reason, or hang out with another friend instead? Do they seem jealous of you? Have you been mean to them recently, by taking out your anger on them or being judgmental of them? Is there a past argument or disagreement with them that has not been settled? Is there something about you that they perceive as bad or a sign of weakness (regardless of whether it is)?
Adults aren’t perfect, and aren’t always good at listening or giving good advice. If their advice doesn’t feel helpful, it’s okay to ignore it, or talk to a different adult.
You might consider distancing yourself from them for a couple of days to give all of you space and time to cool down. You could simply ignore the comments they make or things they do. Practice being nice to them in the face of their meanness. Treat them the way you would like them to treat you. [2] X Research source It is best to not talk to other friends about their treatment of you, because that could start rumors and gossip, which very well may worsen the situation.
It is important to confront your friends about this. You do not want to avoid them, because it will only let the bad situation continue. [4] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source If it is multiple friends, decide whether you want to talk to them one-on-one or all together. If you talk to your friends separately, there is a good chance that the first person might tell the others what is going on. This could be a good or bad thing, depending on the dynamic of your friendship. Keep this in mind as you are choosing which option to do. Pick a method for staying calm, if the conversation starts to get heated. For example, you could take a few deep breaths, count to 10, or politely end the conversation for now with a promise to resume it later. [5] X Expert Source Dr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyDClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 24 July 2019. Have a back-up plan to go to a trusted adult if the conversation does not go as well as you hope. Consider going to a parent, guardian, teacher, or guidance counselor to seek his/her help with the issue.
“I want to talk to you about how you’ve been making me feel lately. ” “You might not realize it, but you’ve said many things lately that have hurt my feelings. Sometimes you say these things to me, and other times, you say them about me to other people. ” “When you said (_________), it made me feel that you don’t want to be my friend anymore. ” “Is there anything going on that you’d like to talk about? I know you’ve mentioned that things have been a little tough at home lately. I want to support you. ” “I really want to come to an understanding about this with you so that we can continue to be great friends. ” “I need you to respect my feelings, because this bothers me, and I otherwise really enjoy being friends with you. ”
Show confidence by maintaining eye contact, having a conversation with them (instead of yelling at them), and giving them the opportunity to share their point of view. Have your script or talking points on paper with you so that you remember everything that you want to say. Avoid being mean or rude during the conversation. Again, this will only trigger negative reactions from your friends, which will not help you get to a resolution.
Avoid interruptions. This can make them feel like you don’t care about their thoughts and feelings. Listen actively. When they are done talking, paraphrase what you heard them say: “I heard you say that. . . ” Be compassionate. If there is an issue that is bothering them, but it has nothing to do with you, then support them by listening carefully and offering to help.
“This is starting to turn into an argument, and I don’t want to argue with you. Why don’t we try discussing this again in a few days, when we’ve cooled off?” “I can sense that this is turning into a bigger conflict. I don’t want to make the situation any worse, so I’m going to go ahead and end our conversation here for now. ” “I appreciate that you’ve taken the time to listen and talk with me, but our conversation is becoming really negative. Let’s take a break. ” “I need some air. We’ll talk later. "
“Maybe next time you want to be alone, you tell me directly, instead of bottling it up. And I promise to listen right away instead of pushing you to hang out. " “If you can work on telling me that you’re mad instead of snapping, I can work on being more understanding and willing to let things go. I know that the stuff with your brother’s illness has been really hard on you. " “I can’t fix your problems with your mean mom. But I can offer you my place to sleep over whenever things are rough. We could have more girls’ nights. It might be good for both of us. "
This can be challenging if it turns out they are upset with you over something that you feel you were “in the right” to do or say. If this is the case, you may have to come to a middle ground with them through discussion. Make sure you give your apology genuinely. Your friends likely know you well enough to know when you are lying, so do not do them the disservice of lying in your apology.
Share as much as you feel comfortable with sharing about the situation so the adult can have a thorough understanding of what has been going on. Be open to his/her ideas and suggestions about how to handle the situation. Especially if it is a guidance counselor or teacher, he/she is likely trained in resolving these kinds of issues.
Find new friends who truly care about you and value your friendship. [9] X Research source Make plans with them instead of with your old friends. You can choose to explain to them what has been going on or not, but it will be helpful to have a support system. Be friendly toward them to try to keep the relationship amicable, but do not make spending time with them a priority. Do not make excuses for their behavior when it is unwarranted. If your friends are truly just being mean to you because they can be, then you need to let those relationships go. [10] X Research source
