Meet soon after the condescending action occurs. If you allow too much time to pass, the incident will be forgotten and the details will become blurry. Try to sit down with your spouse within a few days of the incident in order to address it while it is still fresh. Find a calm setting where you two can be alone. Presenting your case in front of friends will make you look wounded and your spouse like a jerk. Talk with your spouse after they’ve had time to relax and unwind from work. Wait until the kids are in bed and after you’ve both had a chance to unwind.
For example, you might say something like, “I feel sad when you talk to me in that tone of voice. " Or, “I feel angry when you undermine my intelligence. " Avoid saying that your spouse makes you feel a certain way because this phrasing may put your spouse on the defensive.
For example, you might say, “Last night during dinner you made a remark that was pretty condescending. You said that it would be a waste of time to try to explain your new project to me because I wouldn’t be able to understand. " Avoid choosing an example where you and/or your spouse were intoxicated, as the details may not be as clear.
Try asking your spouse to tell you what is really going on by saying something like, “I feel like you might be upset about something other than me. What is going on?” For example, if your spouse becomes angry and talks down to you when you ask about their work, your spouse may be feeling insecure about their ability to perform well. Although your spouse’s behavior is still inappropriate, knowing what is really going on behind the condescension may help you figure out a better way of living together.
One example of a consequence you could set is to say something like “if you speak to me in that tone, I will leave the room. If you continue putting me down in front of others, I will take steps to end our relationship. "
The exact humor that you use is highly context specific but it may be best to avoid self-deprecating humor since they are already being condescending and putting you down.
To do this, ask questions that are relevant to the context. For example, if your spouse is being condescending about your parenting skills, you might ask “how would you do it better?” or “what is the evidence for doing it the way you would like to?”
Did your spouse completely change after marriage? Is it possible that you didn’t see your spouse for the person they really are or were they putting on a game face before marriage to seal the deal? Could a new job be influencing your spouse’s behavior? From on-the-job stress to feeling heady about being promoted to a lofty position, job influences can have a powerful impact on even the most unflappable personality. While this information can help you figure out more about why your partner is being condescending, when you confront your spouse, be sure to keep the conversation focused and on the present. [7] X Trustworthy Source Understood Nonprofit organization dedicated to resources and support to people with thinking differences, such as ADHD or dyslexia Go to source
If your spouse is condescending to you in the context of being around their work colleagues, does the behavior occur in front of the boss, equals or subordinates (or everyone at work)? What kinds of comments are delivered? Does your spouse talk down to you when you try to weigh in on what’s happening at work? One possibility is that your spouse feels intimidated or even embarrassed by your job and covers up their true feelings with catty, rude remarks. If this is the case, you can focus on addressing the condescending behavior within this specific context. Do you find that you are always keeping your guard up when you and your spouse are around your family and friends? Or do you feel that you are constantly being “put in your place” by your spouse when around their family and friends?
Does your spouse continue talking with you after a condescending remark, acting as though nothing happened? If this is the case, they may not be aware that the remarks are rude and inappropriate. Does your spouse seem to speak to everyone around them in the same manner or are you the only target? A sarcastic person may believe that condescension is just part of “their charm. ” They may not realize that instead of being funny, the comments are mean-spirited and hurtful.
saying things to make you feel guilty humiliating you on purpose being extra critical of you ignoring you having affairs or flirting with the opposite sex in obvious ways talking to you in a sarcastic voice or making fun of you saying “I love you, but…” trying to control you using isolation, money, or threats constantly texting or calling you when you are not around
Be extra kind to your children to make up for the abuse that they suffer. Tell them how much you love them and treat them especially well. Explain to them that when people get angry, they say things that they don’t really mean. Make it clear that what people say about them, even a parent, isn’t necessarily true. What matters is how they feel about themselves. Alert social services to ask for help if the emotional abuse is severe or persistent. Tell your spouse that emotionally abusing the children is not appropriate and that if it doesn’t stop you will take steps to end the relationship and get custody of your children. [11] X Expert Source Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MAMatchmaker, The LA Life Coach Expert Interview. 18 March 2020.
You may even be able to stay with a friend or family member until you can figure things out and find a place of your own. This may be the best thing for you to do. If you have children, then getting them away from an abusive spouse will benefit them as well.
To get your spouse to see how important this counseling is to you, consider saying that if they are unwilling to try this, then you will take steps to end the relationship. To find a qualified mental health professional in your area, try this site: http://locator. apa. org/
Try to find a counselor who has experience dealing with situations similar to yours.
