For example, your live in boyfriend starts getting on your case about not hanging your towel in the exact place he wants it after a shower, then it would be important to assert yourself and open up a dialogue about the situation. Just try not to lose your temper. Try saying something like, “I understand you like the towels to be hung a certain way. However, I prefer it this way because . I am willing to hang it there if we change _____ or I can hang it where I want and leave that space for you. " However, you may need to calmly stand your ground if the person is trying to change an already established boundary. For instance, “We agreed to__ last week, remember?”
For example, you live with your girlfriend, who tends to be very controlling. She sees that you left some wrappers out on the kitchen counter for a few minutes while you took a phone call. She says something like, “Why did you need to take that phone call before cleaning up your mess?” The mess is probably not really the issue here. Very often it is deeper, like a person who had a controlling parent, or anxiety, or a background that values a certain thing that a behavior represents. Try asking why the order of your actions was so important to her to get a better understanding of the issue and then give any information that might be necessary. The other person may not have seen something that you think is obvious. For example, you might say something like, “Was there a particular reason you wanted me to clean up before taking the phone call?” Or, “I know you don’t like wrappers out. My phone rang and I took the call. I’ll put it away now that I’m done. " Avoid being defensive. If it was a minor issue that you know annoys them, consider apologizing. For example, you can say, “I’m sorry about the wrappers. I know having a clean kitchen matters to you.
You can also simply refuse to argue. For example, if your significant other starts to pick a fight with you, then you might say something like, “I think we need to talk about this, but I would rather discuss it when we are both feeling a little calmer. Can we talk about this tomorrow night instead?” In the long run, you will need to address underlying issues in your relationship and set boundaries.
Try to take a deep breath when interacting with a controlling person. You can try to tune them out by thinking about something calming, like a relaxed beach setting, while they’re talking to you. If you have to react, give noncommittal phrases that buy you some time. For example, “I’m not sure about that. Let me think about it. "
Everyone has the fundamental right to be treated with respect, to be allowed to express their opinions, to say “no” without feeling guilty, and have different opinions. If you’ve been dealing with a controlling person long term, you may have forgotten you have these rights. Before interacting with someone, remind yourself of your rights. Keep them in mind when setting boundaries. For example, a controlling boyfriend may expect you to spend time with him instead of going out with friends. If you don’t want to sit at home and watch a movie one night, a controlling boyfriend will make you feel guilty for this. As you get ready to assert your boundaries, think something like, “I have the right to say ‘No’ to him without feeling bad. "
Oftentimes, people take a grin and bear it approach with controlling people. You may also work on avoiding the person altogether. You may, for example, simply not go to family events if you have to see your controlling father. Break free from these patterns. Think something like, “I’m in control of whether or not I let this happen. I refuse to be a victim. " Decide you’re going to make the choice to assert your independence and demand respect.
Recognize when you can and cannot tolerate and accept. There are certain small behaviors, like having rules about where to put dirty dishes or clothing, that you may be willing to follow. However, other issues may be more difficult to tolerate. Think about things the person does that are beyond the point of reason. For example, you don’t mind putting your phone away when you’re on a date with your boyfriend. However, he expects you to have your phone off and out of sight even if the two of you are just casually hanging out around his apartment. Let him know this rule is unreasonable to you.
Controlling people are difficult by nature. They will do everything they can to ignore or misinterpret your boundaries. Therefore, when laying out your boundaries, be as direct as you can. For example, say you have a very controlling boyfriend. When laying down boundaries, say something like, “I’m not going to have my phone away at all times when we’re together, especially when you expect me to spend most nights at your apartment. I’m happy to turn my phone off when we’re on dates or watching a movie together, but I’m not going to have my phone off all the time when we’re together. That rule ends now. "
Being assertive does not mean being aggressive. It means respectfully letting someone know when they’ve violated a particular boundary. Keep your cool and reassert yourself when an issue arises. For example, your boyfriend is simply sitting in a room with you while the two of you casually watch television. You return a text from a friend and your boyfriend gets angry. He starts saying things like, “That’s really rude. I’m right here. " Do not respond in anger. Saying something like, “Knock it off. I’m trying to talk to someone” will only escalate the situation. Instead, stay calm and respond with something respectful like, “We talked about this the other day. You don’t need my full attention right now, so I have a right to answer this text. Please let me finish this text message and then I’ll go back to watching the show. "
You can’t change another person. Even if you’ve tried your best to address how their behavior is harmful, a controlling person will not change unless they want to. When interacting with a controlling person, remind yourself you will probably have to restate boundaries and tune out criticism.
If you know why the person is controlling, try to remind yourself of this in the moment. This can help you remember it isn’t about you. For example, “I know my dad is very demanding about my career choices, but his dad was the same way. He doesn’t know how to trust me to make my own decisions. It’s not about me. " Try to look at the types of requests and demands they are making. Are they always about a particular issue, such as cleanliness or punctuality? If so, the person may just have certain preferences and needs. If the problem is more widespread, they may have control issues.
You have a right to care for yourself. You’re allowed to give yourself time to exercise, eat right, engage in fun hobbies, and do things that make you happy. Work on making time for your own personal needs, even if you have to tune out criticism to do so. For example, you work early in the morning and need to get a full night’s sleep. Your controlling boyfriend expects you to go to bed at the same time he does, but he stays up very late. Go to bed when you want and, if he gives you a hard time, tune it out and then remind him you need to be up in the morning.
If you live with a controlling person, try to limit your time with them to meal times and other short spurts together. If you work with a controlling person, try to limit your time with that person in the office. For example, you might keep your conversations to small talk and try to choose projects that do not require teaming up with this person. If you have a controlling family member, limit interactions with them at family events. Keep things like phone calls as brief as possible.
