Think about the reasons you want to date your roommate. What is it about them that you find attractive? Do you have the same values and beliefs? If you have legitimate reasons for wanting to date them, that’s one thing. On the other hand, if you just like the thought of having someone who’s always there physically and emotionally, then it’s probably not a good idea. [3] X Research source
If you do end up needing to tell them how you feel, then having taken the time to examine your feelings will mean that you can express yourself rationally and clearly.
Keep up the same habits as you normally would, too. If you start behaving strangely, your roommate may think something is up, and they may even think that they have done something wrong. Remember that this step is not meant to be a long-term solution. Keeping things as normal as possible will give you time to think about your feelings and time to decide what to do without shaking things up, and forcing you to make rash decisions.
Be honest with yourself. When we have feelings for someone, we tend to see what we want to see. If it is unclear to you whether or not your roommate has feelings for you, chances are they don’t. [5] X Research source What is your roommate’s body language telling you? When you talk, do they touch you a lot? For example, do they often laugh and touch your arm? When they talk to you do they give you their full attention, or do they talk to you without looking at you? A person who is interested will make a lot of eye contact, and will want to give you their full attention. [6] X Research source Do they have a boyfriend or girlfriend, or do they have someone that they talk about a lot? If they are already in a relationship, it would be unfair of you to impose on that relationship. If they have a person they are constantly talking about or if they have told you that they are interested in someone else, then it is a pretty good sign that they’re not interested.
If you tell your roommate about your feelings, they may decide that they want to move out themselves. They might also ask you to move out. If you’re convinced that you absolutely cannot keep your feelings to yourself, then you need to be prepared for this reality. Would you be able to afford your share of the rent for the remainder of the lease, in addition to a new apartment? If not, would you be able to find a suitable replacement roommate to take over your share of the rent?[7] X Research source
What is the housing situation like where you live? In some bigger cities, the rental market is very competitive, making finding an apartment extremely challenging and expensive. Know the reality of the situation, and how long it might realistically take you to find a new apartment. Ask to stay with a friend or with family. This might be an option for you if you will need a bit of time to find a new place, and if staying in the apartment will cause too much stress and awkwardness. If you can find a friend or family member to stay with for a few weeks, you will have some time to look for a new place, as well as some space to deal with your feelings. Contact the university housing department. If you live in university housing, you should contact them to see what your options are. This department is set up to make sure you have a good experience in your dorm, and they will probably be willing to help however they can if you explain the situation to them. You will need to be honest with them. Explain that you have developed romantic feelings for your roommate, and that you haven’t decided what to do about those feelings yet, but that you want to be prepared to move out if necessary.
If you tell your roommate about your feelings for them, and they reciprocate, then having your own space will give the new relationship the breathing room it needs to develop. If you tell your roommate about your feelings, and they don’t feel the same, then moving out will give you space to move on, and avoid awkward encounters with them, and the people they may date in the future. If you don’t tell them about your feelings, moving out will make it less awkward if you do decide to tell them. It will also give them space to think about how they feel about you.
If you want to make up an excuse, you could say, for example, that you are having a hard time with the rent, and you found a cheaper place. You could use distance to work or school as an excuse, as well. If you can afford a place of your own, you could also say that you just want to have a space that is completely your own. Do this in person. If your roommate doesn’t know you have feelings for them, they may be very surprised by your announcement. Try to be delicate, and avoid making them feel like it is their fault, if at all possible.
Be strict on this deadline. Tell your roommate by what date you will be out, so that they have time to find a new roommate too. Telling them the date will also keep you true to your decision.
This doesn’t mean you have to stay in contact with them if it doesn’t work out how you want, but you should try to avoid making them feel like they did something wrong.
Be aware though, that hiding your feelings for a long time may be painful and difficult for you to deal with. At some point, it is very likely that you will need to find another way to deal with your feelings. Either by confessing them, or by moving out to get some space. Remember that feelings are fleeting. It may take time, but eventually you will find someone else to be attracted to, or someone might come out and confess their feelings to you. Be patient with yourself. Don’t blame your roommate. This will cause feelings of resentment. It isn’t your roommates fault that you developed feelings for them, and it isn’t your fault that you developed them. Don’t be too hard on yourself, and don’t be angry at your roommate. Simply try to accept that feelings have developed. If you do develop feelings of resentment that you can’t cope with, then it may be time to consider moving out.
For example, if you and your roommate always hang out alone together, try to bring some other people into the mix so that it isn’t so intimate. Try to avoid doing things that feel “date” like. Don’t go to the movies, dinner, or concerts alone together. This will only encourage your desire, and cause even more confusion.
You could try online dating to meet other people. Not only will you have something to do outside the apartment, you might meet someone who you find even more attractive than your roommate.
You can do this in person or over the phone, but avoid doing it via text message or email. Sending a text or email will leave you waiting in anguish in response. If they don’t want to deal with it, they may even ignore it completely leaving you wondering if they received your message at all. When you confess your feelings, include an offer to move out. For example, you could say, “I want you you to know how I feel, and I also want you to know that I respect your space. If you don’t feel comfortable living together anymore, I will move out, and I won’t blame you at all. ” If you want to tell them outright, ask if you can have dinner or lunch together outside the house (this will keep it more neutral for both of you). Tell them that you have something important to tell them, and that you hope that, regardless of the outcome, you can still be friends. Explain that it is important for you, and that you can figure out what to do about it together. Be prepared for the fact that they may not feel the same. If you’d rather wait for an opening, then wait for a time when your roommate is complaining about dating, and that everyone they meet is awful for one reason or another. Then say something like, “Why not give me a chance?”, at this point, they may think you are joking. Reassure them that you are serious, and maybe add something like, “I’d really like to take you out for a date. ”
Do your best to stay out of their way. Let your roommate know that you want to respect their need for time to think, and let them know you’ll be spending a few days at so-and-so’s house. If that’s not possible, do your best to stay out of the apartment as much as possible, and when you are at home, try to stay in your room whenever possible.
If they feel the same, great! Congratulations! However, you now need to talk with your new lover about how you should proceed. Most importantly, whether or not you will remain roommates, or if one of you will move out. At this point, you should also talk about how you can deal with things in the (hopefully unlikely) event that it doesn’t work out. If they don’t feel the same, then be graceful. Don’t yell or cry. Say something like, “That’s too bad, but I understand. ” If this happens, you need to figure out where you can get over your feelings while still living with them, or whether you need to move out. Either way, you should try to talk about the next steps with your roommate. If you do get rejected, try to remind yourself that at least now you know. You can at least feel the relief of having found out for sure.
