You will tend to cycle through many emotions; anger, pain, grief, anxiety, fear, acceptance. [2] X Research source It can feel a bit like you are drowning at times, but you will find as you go through each cycle, that you deal with them more easily and more quickly. Avoid wallowing in despair. Let yourself cry. Crying is a good thing. There is, however, a fine line between giving yourself time to deal with your emotions and being completely overwhelmed by them. If you find you have not left your house in weeks, have not showered, and are not interested in anything, you should consider seeking professional help. Counseling or participating in some group therapy may be the answer.
A good way to stay focused in the moment is to practice staying present. When you find your thoughts leaping ahead or straying into the past, stop yourself; physically stop yourself. Look around you; what do you see? What can you smell? What does the sky look like? What can you feel with your hands? Is there wind against your face? Get little things done. Sweep, clean, organize, sort. Menial chores like this help your mind focus on positive things rather than negative things. Television, books and movies are good therapy in small amounts, but they will not affect your sense of accomplishment like marking things off your To-Do List. As the small things get done, you can shift to bigger things like redecorating, rearranging, remodeling. When the bigger things get done, you will actually feel a boost your attitude and have a brighter outlook on life. Do not start in on a large project to distract yourself. Instead, just focus on dealing with your grief over the end of your relationship.
Give yourself space. Cut off contact with the other person. Delete them from your phone so you are not tempted to drunk text them. Hide or block them on social media so you do not end up cyber-stalking them at two in the morning. Do not ask mutual friends how they are and what they are up to. The cleaner the break, the easier it will be for you to heal. Do not try to immediately fill the hole left by them. This is one of the big mistakes that people make when it comes to curing heartache. Jumping into a new relationship, trying to avoid the pain and empty feeling left by the previous one, does not actually work. There is a term for that kind of relationship; a rebound. Work through your feelings, or they will come back later on. [4] X Expert Source Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFPClinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor Expert Interview. 19 August 2020.
Have a trusted friend or family member you can talk to, especially at odd times of night. Try to find a couple of people who can help be the emotional support that the other person used to be. Ask your friend(s) if you can reach out to them when you get the urge to talk to your ex. Journaling can be incredibly helpful. Not only is it a good way to get your feelings out, especially if you don’t want to over-burden your friends, but it is also a good way to check your progress. Whether you create an online journal, or put pen to paper and keep a notebook. You will be able to see when you started thinking about the heartache less, or when you start to become interested in dating again (really interested, not just “filling in the hole” interested). Sometimes you also might need to talk to a licensed therapist. There is nothing wrong with needing some professional help! Taking the steps to freeing yourself from this past relationship is what is important. A therapist can give you a completely unbiased opinion of your feelings and how to move on.
You do not need to ritually burn everything, especially if some items are still usable and could be given to someone who needed it. You do need to make sure it is out of your life. Depending on how the relationship ended, a ritual burning can release a lot of pent-up feelings. With each item, think of the memory you associate with it. Imagine putting that memory in a balloon full of helium. When you get rid of that item, imagine that balloon drifting away, never to trouble you again. Donating the physical items that are in good shape can be a great way to give closure and make you feel good. This way you can imagine the new memories that the items will make for someone else.
Make time to listen and help with the troubles of your friends. Let them know the friendship is a two-way street. Let them know that they can always talk to you and get help from you if they need it. Do some volunteering. Work at a homeless shelter or a food bank. Offer your time to the Big Brother/Big Sisters program or something similar.
The more you try to shove away those fantasies, the more stuck they are going to be in your mind. When you are trying not to think about something, especially a self-imposed something, that is all you’re going to think about. Focus your fantasies on things that do not inflame grief. Instead of dreaming about what the relationship could have been, imagine your ex doing good things for the community, or recommending you for a job. These constructive fantasies are much more possible, and far more helpful than imagining what could have been.
Triggers can be anything from a song that was playing when you two started your relationship. Perhaps it will be the coffee shop where you spent so much time studying Latin together, or to even a smell that brings forth a memory. You may often encounter triggers. When you do, acknowledge the trigger and the memories it brings up, and then move on. Do not linger over the feelings and memories. For example, if you see a picture of the two of you when you are on Facebook, acknowledge the sadness and regret that you feel, turn your attention to something positive or neutral (like what you are wearing tomorrow, or the new kitty you are getting). Do not to try to avoid all triggers all the time. You cannot do that. What you need to try to do is minimize the things that will hurt you and be a reminder of the past. This way, you can get on with the healing process.
Avoid sappy sad romantic songs. These will not trigger good chemicals in your brain. Instead, they will feed into your feelings of sadness and heartache. When you find yourself falling into a pit of sadness and anger, that’s a good time to put on good tunes to help lift your spirits. Putting on dance music can couple the endorphins from listening to the music with endorphins from dancing.
Call your friend. Reach out to the friend who said to call whenever you needed to. Read a book you have been meaning to get to for a while. Put on a funny movie (an added bonus, because laughter can help with the healing). The less you think about your ex and your heartache, the easier the healing process will be. It takes work! It takes a conscious and deliberate effort into actually redirecting your thinking and avoiding thinking about your heartache. Do not take too many “painkillers”. This will only mask the pain. Sometimes you really just need to take a break from the physical pain. Be careful, however, that you do not abuse these numbing routines. In the beginning, you really do need to deal with your feelings. “Painkillers” can be things like alcohol or drugs, but it can also be things like watching obsessive amounts of t. v. or never getting off the internet, or binging on comfort food.
You do not have to do make huge changes to help shake yourself out of your old routines. Simply do things like go to the farmer’s market on Saturdays instead of lying in bed. Try out some new music, or learn a new hobby like quilting or karate. It is best not to do something really drastic, unless you have weighed all the pros and cons. Especially avoid doing something drastic in the beginning of the healing process. Once you are further along and you want to show that you are changing, then it is a better time to do something like get a tattoo or chop all your hair off. If you can, try to get a little time off, so you can go on vacation. Even taking a weekend and heading somewhere new can give you a new perspective on life.
Be careful about the language that you use. When you use words like “terrible” or “awful” or “nightmare” you are going to be stuck viewing things through the negative. This will color your thoughts. If you cannot find the positive, then stick to neutral thoughts as much as possible. For example: instead of saying “This whole breakup is so horrible” say “This breakup has been really hard on me, but I am dealing my best to work through it. " Do not put yourself in an embarrassing situation. Do not drive past your ex’s house each night to see if they are dating someone new, do not drunk call or drunk text them. These things will make it harder to let go of the past. Remember that things change. People change, situations change. What you are feeling now is not what you are going to be feeling in a week, in a month, in a year. Eventually you will be able to look back on this time of your life without feeling physically ill.
Try to feel some kindness towards them. Whatever they did or did not do, try to find some compassion for their issues, for what they are going through. It does not even mean you have to forgive them, but it does mean that you do not keep holding on to your anger at them. Likewise, do not place blame on yourself. Feel free to accept and deal with the things you did in the relationship that may have caused problems. Pledge to yourself to do better in the future. Just do not spend a lot of time agonizing over what went wrong.
Stop wondering if it is them calling every time a number pops up on your phone that you do not recognize. You have stopped fantasizing about them coming to their senses and begging your forgiveness on bended knee. You do not identify so much with songs and movies about heartbreak. You are finding that you enjoy reading and listening to things that do not deal with relationships at all.
Work on personal growth, internal and external. Get into shape, or change your look. These things can truly help to boost your confidence, which has probably taken a hit. Figure out what areas of your inner self need work. For example: you might have a bad temper, that causes you to act passive aggressively. Therefore, you would need to work on finding healthier ways to express that anger. Develop what makes you unique. When you spend so much time with another person and dealing with the breakup fall-out, you tend to focus less on important aspects of yourself. Reconnect with people and activities you did not have time for when you were in this relationship and dealing with the breakup. Try out new things. This can help introduce you to different people, people who have never met the person who caused you such heartache. People outside your regular circle of friends. Learning new things will help to keep your mind off the heartbreak and on the present.
Do not let that person back into your life too soon, if at all. If you do, it can cause a resurgence of unhappiness and heartache. Sometimes being friends with an ex just is not possible. If you do relapse, do not panic. The work you have already done in getting over the heartache has not gone to waste. It will payoff. Do not give up. Everyone has to deal with setbacks, especially with this sort of thing.
Do things that you do not associate with your ex. Try out new things, or do things that you stopped doing when the two of you were together. Learn to be happy. People are attracted to happy people, because happy people make them feel happy. While you will not feel happy all the time, work on doing things you do enjoy and living a life that makes you happy.
Recognize that you might be hurt again if you open up, but that you should do it anyway. Closing yourself off is a surefire way to encourage issues with your health, both mental and physical. As well, it can sabotage future relationships and friendships if you stop trusting people. Learn to trust yourself.
Encourage yourself by celebrating the small victories. If you realize you have gone an entire day without thinking about your ex, celebrate that with a celebratory drink or a cookie.
