If your relationship with your in-laws is almost exclusively negative, or if it’s damaging your marriage, cutting ties is probably a good idea. [2] X Expert Source Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MAMatchmaker, The LA Life Coach Expert Interview. 18 March 2020. Abuse or repeated bullying that has contributed to a major loss of self-esteem or confidence is always a good justification for severing a relationship.
For instance, if you get along well with some of your spouse’s other family members, consider that you may lose those relationships, too. Also, if you have any children, becoming estranged from their grandparents could negatively affect them as well. Or, if you have financial ties to your relatives, such as relying on them for financial help or anticipating an inheritance in the future, then you will be losing these things and putting yourself into financial risk.
Wait a few days before having contact with your in-laws and take at least a couple of months before you make any major decisions about how to handle your in-laws. In the meantime, blow off some steam by meditating, working out, or writing in a journal. Anger makes you see the world in more simplistic terms, which isn’t a good state of mind for making major decisions.
For instance, you might decide to limit your contact with your in-laws most of the time, but still see them at big family get-togethers. Your spouse can serve as a buffer between you and your in-laws to help make communication a bit easier. Distancing yourself may be the simplest solution if you only see your in-laws once or twice a year.
Avoid accusing your in-laws of being bad people. If your spouse is still on good terms with them, they might jump to take their parents’ side. Instead, focus on expressing your feelings in a neutral way. For instance, you could say, “Blake, I know you love your parents, but I’m having a hard time dealing with the way they criticize me to my face whenever we see them. Have you noticed this, too? What can we do about it?”
Identify what types of behavior would warrant cutting off your in-laws’ access to their grandchildren. For example, you might decide that you will not allow them to be around your children if they are abusive, hold them to impossible standards, or put them into dangerous situations.
For instance, you might decide to opt out of the annual Fourth of July barbecue with your in-laws, but agree that your spouse will still attend with your kids.
For example, you and your spouse might be overwhelmed by your in-laws interfering with parenting. This may be one of many boundaries you choose to communicate. Other possible boundaries might be not discussing finances with them or not allowing them to stay at your home during visits, but setting them up at a nearby hotel.
Rehearse some assertive responses with your spouse so they will know what to say if their parents bring up you or the rift between you and your in-laws. If your spouse is severing ties with their parents, let them take the lead throughout the process.
For instance, you could say something like, “I’m going to have to stop spending time around you because of the way you put me down in front of my children. It’s hurtful, and it’s not the kind of example I want my kids to see. ” Keep in mind that your in-laws will likely disagree with you, but you do not have to defend your decision to them.
Saying “no” to events and finding new stomping grounds might prove to be a challenge. But the effort is worth to definitively cut off your in-laws.
If other family members ask why you ended the relationship, be honest, but don’t gossip or try to undermine your in-laws’ other relationships. [15] X Research source
