If you get a negative feeling every time you think about a person, even if they’re usually nice to you, it may be because they’ve hurt you so deeply that you have a hard time moving on. In this case, you might want to take a little time away from them to focus on yourself.
For example, if someone is frequently unkind to you, don’t rationalize their behavior by saying something like, “He must have had a bad day,” or “She’s been under a lot of stress lately. " Similarly, don’t blame abuse on yourself by saying things like, “If I hadn’t accused him of lying, he wouldn’t have hit me. " On the other hand, if someone who is generally very nice to you snaps or says something short-tempered once in a while, it’s fine to take their circumstances into consideration.
If you’re cutting ties with one parent, it might affect your relationship with the other parent. If you have trouble with a sibling, you might lose contact with your niece or nephew. Also, you might be uninvited from family holidays or other events where the other family member may be present. However, there will likely be some family members who choose to support you, so don’t let this be your only deciding factor. Never demand or expect other family members to cut off their relationship with a person just because you do.
In a situation like this, you may notice that the person uses you for emotional comfort during their troubles, but then becomes dismissive of you when you talk about the things in your life that are stressful. The same is true for someone who only talks to you when they need something from you, like money or advice. [5] X Research source
A person who loves drama often alternates between acting like your best friend and then pushing you away if you criticize or contradict them. [6] X Research source If someone in your family spreads gossip about you, this is definitely someone to stay away from. The same is true if a person is frequently dishonest.
Sometimes, a temporary break in a relationship like this can help soothe your hurt feelings. However, if the person’s behavior persists, you might be better off cutting ties permanently, especially if you find yourself thinking about the things they said even when they’re not around. If a person denies that they said something hurtful, or they try to justify their behavior, then they’re unlikely to change in the future, and you should stay away from them. [8] X Research source
Other signs of abuse include the silent treatment, controlling behavior, or constantly being blamed for things you didn’t do. If you’re a child and you’re being abused by a parent, you should find a trusted adult that you can confide in. This might be another family member, or it could be a counselor or teacher at your school. There are also helplines you can call, like 1-800-4-A-CHILD in the US or 0800 1111 in the UK. [10] X Research source You may also choose to end a relationship with someone whom you believe has abused your child, if you’re a parent.
If you need some space, try telling your family member that you’re busy, but you’ll catch up soon. Once you cool off a little, consider letting them know how much they hurt you, so they can make amends and keep from doing the same thing in the future.
Talking to your grandmother in the house she’s lived in for 35 years will leave her feeling like she has the upper hand, and you’ll be less likely to get your point across. On the other hand, having a confrontation in your home can make you feel like your safe space has been violated, especially if the other person doesn’t leave when you ask them to.
If you have been thinking about the fact that you don’t want to participate in a toxic relationship anymore, and your family member does something to push your buttons, you may not have time to plan what you’re going to say. Go ahead and tell them that you need some space. Start the conversation with something like, “I’ve decided it’s best for my own mental health if I don’t spend time around you anymore. ” If the person gets very upset, you could say, “I don’t want to argue. I just need some space right now because I don’t feel like this is a healthy relationship anymore. " Then, leave as soon as possible.
Writing a letter or email is an especially good option if the family member has a history of twisting your words, interrupting you when you talk, or becoming physically aggressive when they’re upset. It’s up to you whether you want to let them know exactly what they did wrong, or if you would rather just give them an overview, like saying, “I’m tired of your hurtful words, followed by a lack of apologies. ”
Say something like, “I don’t want to see you or hear from you. ” If you have children, set clear boundaries as to whether your family member can contact them, as well.
Your family member might even be genuinely sad about your decision to cut ties with them. Just remember that you should never be guilted into being around someone who makes you unhappy.
It also may be a good idea to talk to a counselor, since toxic family relationships can have long-lasting effects on your self-esteem.
Acknowledge your strengths, especially if your family member regularly put you down. If you need to, write down a list of the best things about yourself and put it somewhere you’ll see it every day.
For instance, you might have a poor relationship with your children, but you might have an excellent support system in your church.
For instance, if you finally decided you had enough of your brother calling you names your whole life, then you certainly don’t have to put up with a date doing it! Practice if/then statements in case you find yourself in a similar situation in the future. For examples, you might tell yourself, “If someone says something about me that isn’t true, then I will speak up immediately, because that’s not acceptable. ”
When you re-establish contact, have a conversation where you make your boundaries clear. Say something like, “I will not ever tolerate you making disrespectful comments about my weight. If you do that again, I will leave and not come back. ” If you see the person falling back into old habits, back away again. If the person has been abusive to you, it may be best not to allow them back into your life.
