Focus on working together to solve issues that arise in your relationship. Put aside your pride and try not to think of conversations as contests that are won or lost. This type of thinking will only damage your relationship. Take your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and input into consideration, even if you disagree. Ask him to do the same for you. Try to find some type of middle ground that combines both of your opinions on the issue. If you can’t find any middle ground, try asking your boyfriend, “How can we resolve this without either of us feeling like our needs aren’t being met?”
Try to inject some spontaneity into your relationship. If you both have a day off with nothing planned, do something adventurous and unexpected together. Spend some time snuggling together. You can do this while you watch TV or movies, or any time you’re sitting next to one another. Be silly around one another. You and your partner should feel comfortable expressing yourselves, even if it’s in absurd or goofy ways.
Make your relationship a priority. Put off the extra work you brought home from the office and take time to do something special together, even if it’s just getting dinner or watching TV. [2] X Research source Physical intimacy is important. If you’re not sexually active, you can still be intimate by kissing, giving one another massages, or simply holding hands on a regular basis. [3] X Research source If you and your partner are sexually active, make sure you are both meeting each other’s needs. Sex should be mutually enjoyable and emotionally satisfying; if it’s not, let your boyfriend know what you need and ask him to do the same.
Remember that his kids are probably his top priority. If arrangements with a babysitter fall through or an emergency arises, he may have to cancel plans at the last minute. [5] X Expert Source Alessandra ContiCelebrity Matchmaker & Dating Coach Expert Interview. 23 April 2021. Be flexible with him if he has to cancel or postpone plans because of his kids. Remember that this is actually a sign that he’s a good dad and a mature adult.
Making him feel secure doesn’t mean committing to a lifelong relationship; it just means you may need to offer reassurance and boost his self-esteem from time to time. Let him know that you find him very handsome and attractive, that you appreciate him, and try to do little things to show affection (like holding hands in public, for example). Avoid asking about his ex unless he brings it up. Focus on building a strong relationship between the two of you. Make sure your boyfriend makes you feel supported as well. Talk to him about ways you can mutually support one another in your relationship. For instance, you might tell him that you feel loved and appreciated when he compliments you. Ask him what makes him feel loved and supported — is it with compliments, physical affection, or something else?
Remember that you’re never going to replace the other parent in his kids’ eyes. You can still be affectionate and loving towards his kids, but you have to remember that they are ultimately his kids and not yours. Let him know what your comfort level is and talk about setting boundaries accordingly (if needed).
If you’re dating casually, things may end up fizzling out between you. Kids can get attached to people very quickly and easily. Getting to know his kids if you’re not serious about the relationship could end up hurting them.
Suggest that you meet his kids at his house. That way you’re in a space that’s comfortable and familiar. After you meet them and chat for a bit you can have a pizza dinner together and watch a family-friendly movie.
If he’s comfortable with it, try spending some one-on-one time with his kids. This can help you get to know them and let them get to know you. Offer to take his kids someplace they like, such as their favorite park or their favorite restaurant; however, make sure that this isn’t somewhere his ex takes them, or the kids may feel like you’re trying to replicate that experience. Ease slowly into spending alone time with his kids. Pace yourself: start out spending a few hours alone with them once every week or two (if you’re comfortable doing so) and take it from there. Find out what they’re interested in so you have something to talk about and bond over. [8] X Expert Source Alessandra ContiCelebrity Matchmaker & Dating Coach Expert Interview. 23 April 2021.
Even if you’re charming and affectionate, it can take kids time to adjust to new situations. If they’re used to just being with your boyfriend and his ex, the kids may be a little standoffish with you at first. Let the kids know that you’re there for them. When they eventually come around to you, it’s important that they know you want to support them any way you can. If they’re being resistant, say something like, “I understand this must be difficult for you. I just want you to know that I care about your father and I care about you; I’m here if you ever want to talk. "
Make sure your relationship is somewhat serious before bringing up his ex-wife. Asking about her is important, but doing it too soon could make it seem like you’re trying to rush into things. Ask in a respectful and genuine way. Say something like, “I hope this isn’t too intrusive, but things seem to be going well with us. . . Is it okay if I ask about your relationship with your ex-wife?” Try to ascertain from his response what his boundaries are with his ex-wife. Do they hang out socially and call or text each other on a regular basis, or are they more focused on just keeping things cordial?
If/when you do meet her, do so in a setting where the kids are absent. This kind of introduction can be tense for everyone, and kids can pick up on that tension. You may want to meet in a neutral place, like a coffee shop or at a park. That way you avoid feeling like you’re intruding on her territory and vice versa. Make sure your boyfriend is there when you meet his ex-wife. It’s important for you to meet her with him there to mediate things and act as the middle man.
Just as his kids may worry you’re trying to replace the other parent, his ex-wife may also worry that you’re trying to take over that role. Never critique his ex-wife, either directly (to her face) or indirectly (trash talking her with your boyfriend). Save the criticism for your friends, or just keep it to yourself or write it in a private journal. Even if you’ve developed a good relationship with the kids, stand back and let the ex-wife be their parent whenever they interact. You can fulfill your role at home; let her do the same with her kids.
Be calm when you convey your discomfort. It should be a polite, respectful conversation, not an argument. Setting boundaries may involve some give-and-take. It’s not necessarily realistic or fair to demand that your boyfriend cut off all interaction with his ex-wife, but you can politely ask him to limit phone calls/texts or social visits with her.
