When someone is a parent, especially to young children, the kids come first. Dates and plans may change last minute due to the child’s schedule. You may have to step aside more frequently than is ideal and settle for spending less time than you might like with your significant other. [1] X Research source If someone has a child from a previous relationship, their ex will probably always be a part of their life. Unless the other parent is out of the picture, your partner will always have some contact with their ex. Are you comfortable with the boundaries your partner has set with their ex? Do you think there’s still underlying romantic tension? If things get serious, you will probably have to meet and socialize with your partner’s ex. Take all this into consideration before getting serious with a single parent. [2] X Research source Many people with children from previous relationships are guarded, at least initially, in romantic relationships. This is because everything counts more when you’re a parent. If you’re upset due to a romantic setback, it’s difficult to function and this can affect your ability to parent. Things may move slower when you’re dating a single parent, as proceeding with caution is more important to people with children. [3] X Research source
Boundaries can be simple, like how much time you should allow them to devote to their children. For example, your partner may make it clear they can never go out on weeknights or can only commit to dates every other weekend. Be respectful and understanding of such restrictions. There will also be restrictions about when you can meet the child. These may be less straightforward. Your partner may not have a definitive answer or timeframe. It’s important not to push for introductions too soon but make it clear that, whenever your partner is ready, you would be happy to meet their child.
If your partner has a child, they probably have a unique perspective on life that is new to you. This can be an exciting way to open your own mind and expose yourself to different ways of thinking. How your partner thinks about work, life, and responsibility in general will be affected by their child. Try to see this as an opportunity for you to grow and learn. While you might not to get to spend as much time as you like with your partner, the time you do spend together will be more valuable. You will be less likely to take your partner for granted and will figure out ways to make the most of the time you have. You might end up getting to know your partner through phone calls and e-mails more than face-to-face interaction, and this can heightened communication. Without the distractions of physical surroundings, you’ll pay closer attention to one another’s words. Many kid-friendly activities can actually be enjoyable for adults as well. Trips to fairs, amusement parks, and kid-friendly movies may be something you come to enjoy as your relationship progresses.
Remember, when you’re dating a single parent you’re becoming part of a familial unit. You have to make sure you’re comfortable with the family culture at hand. Carefully observe how your partner interacts with their child and make sure you’re comfortable with how they function as a family. Being uncomfortable does not necessarily mean you feel your partner is a bad parent. However, if you do disapprove of your partner’s parenting, this is also a red flag. You could simply just feel out of place within your partner’s family. Maybe your partner values different things than you do. They could be raising their child with a strong religious background and you’re agnostic. Your partner could put a lot of emphasis on success and focus while you see yourself as more laid-back.
Be on your best behavior in front of your partner’s child. Say “please” and “thank you” and practice good manners in general. Listen when the child talks. Offer to do small chores around the house, like helping with dishes after dinner or taking the trash out. Treat your partner with kindness and respect in their child’s presence. Show their child how to treat others by treating their parent with kindness and courtesy. You can show kindness in small ways. Pay your partner a compliment. If the child shows you something they did at school, be positive and give them praise. If your partner has pets, be kind to them, pet them, and talk to them nicely.
Be yourself during initial introductions. You want the child to get to know you as a person and not a character you’ve created. While you should make sure the language you use and the subjects you discuss are child appropriate, you do not need to completely revamp your personality to meet your partner’s child. Ask the child about school, their hobbies, and their friends. Many people will feel like they should read up on what kids are into, but the easiest and most authentic way to get to know your partner’s child is to simply talk to them. Understand that your partner’s child may be nervous about meeting you. This is completely normal. Children may even initially be rude to new romantic partners, but make sure to meet any hostility with patience and friendliness. Understand such feelings are a normal part of the introductory period and do not take them personally.
Going bowling, skating, or to any number of sports events is a great idea as it’s easy to take a child along. If there’s a fair or carnival in town, suggest you all go together. If you and your partner enjoy movies, see if there’s a kid-friendly movie you would both be interested in seeing. Many movies made for and marketed towards children can be enjoyed by adults as well. Plan nights in, especially on weekends. It might be hard for your partner to go out on a Wednesday night, so offer to come over. You can cook dinner or bring over pizza and have a “family night” with board games.
Let your partner go at their own pace. If they are only comfortable with you interacting with the kids once or twice a month at first, respect this. Allow your partner to decide how to introduce you. You may be introduced as only a friend. Be understanding of this and do not push for terms like “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” if your partner is not comfortable with them yet.
Define the terms of the relationship. All relationships come with a set of expectations that develop naturally over time. After a certain point, however, you should have an open discussion about what you both expect. How serious are you about one another? Can you picture a future with this person? If so, how should you proceed? If not, is it worth it to continue dating for the time being? In terms of physical intimacy, a child can complicate things. Sex may have to occur when the child is out of the house and it may not be possible for you spend the night. Your partner might not be comfortable having you stay overnight until you’ve been together for awhile. You want to make sure you’re respectful of your partner’s wishes and boundaries.
Do you see yourself ultimately ending up with your partner? Do the two of you want the same things in regards to family and career? Do you share similar values about raising children? Can any big differences between the two of you be reconciled in a healthy manner? In the event you get engaged or married, how do you factor into the child’s life? Would you be a stepparent? Would you be granted any legal rights in regards to custody? Would the child refer to you as “Mom” or “Dad” or keep using your first name? Meet the ex. At some point, your partner’s co-parent will want to meet you. They will be invested in what kind of person you are as you’ll be spending a lot of time with their child. Talk to your partner about meeting their ex and what the expectations are for your behavior during this meeting.
Remember, needs should come before wants. Once you’re a stepparent, you’re no longer the child’s friend. You need to be able to set rules and encourage the child to do their chores and homework and go to bed on time. [4] X Research source You and your partner will need to start creating new family traditions. Once you become a stepparent, there will be a whole new family unit. To help the child feel like the three of you are a family, introduce new activities like board game nights, family dinners, and special games and events around the holiday season. [5] X Research source Communicate openly with your partner. It’s unlikely to the two of you will always be on the same page in regards to parenting. You should keep communication open throughout the course of your relationship so that any disputes can be resolved smoothly. [6] X Research source
