If you don’t see this friend at work or at school, ask them to meet you in a public place such as a cafe. It’s best to meet in a public place so that neither of you feel uncomfortable. Always talk to your friend away from other people. You can’t have a serious conversation about your relationship issues when other people are around. [1] X Research source
Stay calm by taking slow, deep breaths – deep breathing is a great tool to keep you relaxed. If you start to become upset, calm yourself down by internally telling yourself to relax, and/or thinking of imagery that keeps you calm – such as a beach or waterfall. Carry a stress ball to squeeze when you get angry. This is a great way to physically get out your anger and tension in an extremely calm way. [3] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
Seek the truth before you make your final decision. Most of the time, we find out about backstabbing friends through other people. It’s important to get your friend’s side of the story before you take another person’s word as fact. What you’ve heard about your friend could be a rumor, or it could be true. Either way, it’s important to know the truth. [4] X Research source
Keep in mind your friend might not have even realized they crossed a line. [5] X Expert Source Allison Broennimann, PhDClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 29 January 2021.
Use this guideline to express your feelings: “It upset me when you _______. Your actions made me feel like _______ because _______. "
Avoid interrupting. Let your friend finish talking before you interrupt them or ask additional questions. It’s important that your friend feels heard.
To avoid arguing, be sure to listen to your friend instead of waiting for your turn to talk. Listening to one another will give you both a better understanding of what happened. Don’t raise your voice. This will just get both of you upset. Don’t focus on who is right and who is wrong – focus on truth and honesty. If you’re trying to prove one another wrong, you won’t have a productive conversation. Instead, be honest with one another to figure out how to fix the current situation. [8] X Research source Don’t be disrespectful or condescending. Even if you’re upset, it is not okay to disrespect someone, especially if you’re trying to fix a problem. It is important to treat your friend the way you wish to be treated. If things start to get tense, suggest taking a short break from the discussion to allow yourselves to cool down.
If your friend is not willing to be honest about their actions, or if this is a recurring issue with this person, it might be best to go your separate ways. Friendship is a two-way street, and you can’t be the only person putting in the effort to keep it going. [12] X Expert Source Allison Broennimann, PhDClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 29 January 2021.
If an issue arises in the future, make it clear that you’d like to resolve those issues by talking with each other instead of talking to other people or doing something that either of you may regret. Bring issues up immediately instead of bottling up your feelings. When we suppress feelings and emotions, we are more likely to boil over and say or do something we regret. If a problem arises, address it right away.
Tell your friend what you need from them in a friendship. Being honest will help your friend to better meet your needs. Explain to your friend what you need from them using the “I-message” formula: “I feel _____ when you _______ and I need for you to _______. " Refrain from assigning blame to your friend, though. Ask your friend what they need from you in a friendship. Again, friendship is a two-way street. Therefore, you need to meet your friends needs as well. Ask them to be honest about how you can be a better friend to them. Be ready to meet both needs. Resolution begins when you start understanding each other and the situation. As you hear similar needs from each other, the differences are put aside and you are able to work things through. [16] X Research source
Tell your friend that you forgive them – it is an important factor in rebuilding trust for both of you. It will mean a lot to your friend to hear that you forgive them, and saying “I forgive you” will help you move on from the situation. [18] X Research source If you cannot forgive this person for their actions, you cannot be friends with him or her. Trying to have a relationship with someone you hold anger towards isn’t healthy for you or for them. Life is too short to hold grudges. [19] X Research source
Tell this person that you no longer wish to be friends with them. Remain calm and keep your “goodbye” conversation simple. You don’t owe them any explanation, but it will make you feel better to be honest with them and give yourself closure. If you’re unsure of what to say, use this formula: “Because of _______, I no longer wish to be friends with you. Your actions hurt me and made me feel ______. "
Don’t check your ex-friend’s social media accounts. You need to give yourself space from them, and checking what they post on social media might upset you. [21] X Research source
Learn from this experience. You should never treat a friend the way this ex-friend treated you. This goes along with the famous saying “Treat others as you wish to be treated. "
