If you let the matter rest for a few days, he may be level-headed again. Let him find ways to control his emotions. For example, he might need to go for a run or have some space to himself so he can think. Focus on your inner peace, too. You might ground and center yourself, meditate, or journal. Use a calm tone of voice when you check in: “Hey, is now a good time to talk? No pressure. ”
Examples of Triggers:[3] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source Work-related stress, like deadlines or tensions with his boss. Family-related stress, like sick parents or arguments with his relatives. Money-related stress, like being behind on bills or taking out a loan. Intimacy-related stress, like feeling insecure about his body or performance. Ego-related stress, like lacking confidence or believing he’s not “man” enough. Examples of Cues:[4] X Trustworthy Source MedlinePlus Collection of medical information sourced from the US National Library of Medicine Go to source An angry expression on his face. Remaining silent for long periods of time. Balling up his fists or looking tense. Struggling to get enough rest. Speaking in an agitated tone of voice. Isolating himself in his room. Avoiding answering texts.
“Thank you for agreeing to talk. So, why have you been so upset?” “I just want to hear you out. What, specifically, are you angry about?” “Let’s get to the bottom of this. Has anything been bothering you lately?”
First, ask if he wants you to think about a solution or if he just wants to vent and figure it out on his own—“Okay, now I understand that you’re stressed by balancing a full-time job and night classes. Would you appreciate some advice or would you rather manage your schedule by yourself?” If he’s open to feedback, provide an actionable step that you believe can cut back his stress—“We’ll actually be just fine if you switch to part-time hours so you can focus on your coursework. Or, you can still drop a couple classes right now and go through one more semester to finish your program. "
Be as specific as possible. For example, instead of saying, “That makes sense,” tell him, “I understand that you’re frustrated because I didn’t call you back when I was out with my friends. ” Remember, this is only one stage of the conversation. While it’s important to hear your boyfriend out, you are equally deserving of being listened to. Later, when it’s your time to open up about your perspective, make sure your partner validates your experiences and emotions as well.
Bring up the topic with a question like, “What would make you feel respected?” or “What seems fair to you?” A healthy relationship requires balance, so track how often both of you manage conflicts. If you’re the only one who makes an effort to demonstrate respect and ask about compromises, then it’s a sign you have an uneven dynamic. Your boyfriend should also ask similar questions. For example, he should make comments like, “Are you okay with the way I communicate?” or “Do you feel like I’m being fair?”
Sometimes, he might just want you to apologize. Only accept these terms if you genuinely feel sorry. For example, say, “I apologize that I didn’t call you before 10 P. M. like I said I would. Following through is important to me. ” Other times, he might expect a certain action or favor. Reassure him that you’ll provide that if you think it’s fair. You might say—“I’m happy to spend my Saturday evenings with you so you can get some quality time. ” Advocate for yourself and express when a request isn’t reasonable. For instance, he might want you to skip work or school to spend time with him. In that case, say, “I really need to focus on my responsibilities. My future is important to me. ”
“Don’t stand in front of the door. I’m allowed to leave at any moment. ” “Put down that book. It’s not okay to throw things in our house. ” “Please lower your voice. We need to have a civil discussion. ” “I’m not going to give you my passwords. That’s an invasion of privacy. ”
If your boyfriend belittles your appearance, intelligence or choices, it’s considered emotional abuse and he needs to learn to stop this behavior. Insults can sting in the moment, and they can also damage your self-esteem, which may make you feel more dependent on your boyfriend. Never blame yourself for your boyfriend’s mean words, and avoid accepting any cruel remarks. Instead, make sure to focus on building your self-worth.
For example, say something like, “I understand that you’re upset about me not calling you back, but that kind of language isn’t helping either of us. Remember, we agreed to talk about this without using those words. ” If you want, you can give him a chance to recollect himself. You might say, “Do you want to stop for a few seconds and say that in a different way?”
For example, try saying, “I won’t allow you to yell at me. I feel anxious when you yell, and when that happens, I can’t concentrate on this topic. Either you stop shouting, or I’ll talk to you later when we’ve both had a chance to calm down. "
State how you feel when he continues to blame you—“I feel very upset and hurt when you blame me for all of our problems. ” Then, remind him of your agreement—“We promised not to blame each other. Remember, our main goal here is to find a way to get through this. ”
Save money in case there’s an emergency and you need somewhere to stay. Make sure you have transportation so you can leave when you need to. Keep details about your plan private so your boyfriend isn’t able to find you. Avoid going back to your partner, even if he pleads or says he’ll change. Call 911 or your local emergency number if you’re in immediate danger.
It’s not always easy to feel empathy for a person who’s being mean. However, by choosing to reframe his anger, you keep yourself from becoming defensive. Try using phrases like “He’s doing the best he can,” or “This is just the way he copes. " This way, you resist feeling as though you’re responsible for his mood. Just because you reframe his anger doesn’t mean that you have to accept it. Positive reframing is a tool to remind yourself that you’re not the one at fault.
For example, if you feel guilty because you told your boyfriend you can’t drop everything for him, tell yourself, “I wish I could have helped, and I know he will continue to be angry, but I need to take care of myself. ”
It may help to list your boyfriend’s triggers—situations that upset him—to avoid stress. You might write down something like, “He doesn’t like when I talk to him when he’s working, so I’ll make sure to avoid that. It’ll keep the peace. ”
Share the strain some of his behaviors put on you—“I feel hurt when you come home from work and immediately get frustrated with me. I want our home to feel like a safe and calm environment, and lately I don’t feel relaxed. " Express your ideals for a nourishing relationship—“My goal is for us to both communicate about what could keep our stress levels down and to enjoy each other’s company. I want us to thrive and be happy. "
A therapist acts a trained third party, so they can discuss both of your perspectives without taking sides. A counselor can help you both identify your attachment styles to see how you might experience anxiety or insecurities in a relationship. Even if your boyfriend doesn’t agree to go to therapy, you might wish to go by yourself to receive extra support and process your emotions.
