Sure, you may be at fault for a certain problem in the relationship, and it’s important to acknowledge that. However, you should never, ever think that some mistake on your part makes your spouse’s cheating okay. If you focus too much on blaming yourself, then that will be letting your partner off the hook. It’s important for you to focus on your partner’s behavior, too.
When a spouse is having an affair, it’s rarely about the third person. Unless that spouse thinks he’s truly started a meaningful relationship with a third party, most of the time, it’s really an expression of the cheater’s dissatisfaction with himself or the marriage. If you focus too much on the other man or other woman, then you won’t be thinking about your spouse or the relationship. Though knowing some things about the affair can bring you comfort, you may not want to know too much about what the other person looks like, what he does for a living, or any other details that are likely to distract you or to make you feel bad about yourself. It’s just not worth it.
What went through your spouse’s mind when he or she decided to cheat may defy logic. Don’t spend too much time trying to come up with a perfect reason for why it happened and work on moving forward instead.
Once you tell everyone about what happened, you may feel an initial relief, but that could be followed by some pain and regret. You may not realize that you weren’t ready for everyone’s advice or judgment. If you do tell your close friends about your partner’s infidelity, make sure you do so cautiously if you’re not sure what you want to do about it. If your friends think you’re definitely going to leave your partner, then they may tell you the 1,000 things they never liked about him, and this won’t actually make you feel any better and may lead to awkwardness down the line if you choose to stay in the relationship.
Talking to the people close to you can definitely help you gain strength as well as a new perspective about your situation. But in the end, know that their opinions can never replace your own.
Though deciding to take some time apart immediately can be a good thing, you should avoid saying that you want a divorce as soon as you hear the news; though this may be what your gut tells you to do, wait until you have a clear head before you decide this for good.
Punishing your spouse will only fill you with more bitterness and will make your relationship feel even worse. It’s okay to take some time apart and to be more cold and distant than normal, but being actively cruel won’t make anything better.
Let your partner know what he or she needs to do for you to continue the relationship. This can include going to counseling together and possibly apart, taking concrete steps to rediscover the things you loved to do together, making time for communication every night, or sleeping in separate rooms until you feel comfortable sharing a space again. If you’re thinking about getting a divorce, you may want to retain a lawyer as early as you can. The sooner you do this, the better bargaining position you’ll have.
You won’t be able to forgive your partner or to feel like things are back to normal overnight. It can take months, or even years, to rebuild that trust again. You’ll have to take it slow, too. It may take many days for you to feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed as your partner again, going out to dinner with him, or to enjoy doing the things you loved to do together. Be prepared for that.
If you’re nervous about facing your spouse or not saying everything you wanted to say, you can write down all of the things you want to share. That way, you won’t get lost in the moment and forget an important point you wanted to make. If you feel too emotional to have a conversation about what happened, give it a few days or wait long enough to feel comfortable talking about it as candidly as possible. Of course, the conversation may never feel completely comfortable, but you can take some time to get your footing if you need to. That said, you may not want to delay this conversation for too long.
Ask any questions that you think will help you get a better sense of where your relationship stands. However, try to avoid asking questions just to satisfy your curiosity; the answers may end up hurting too much.
Going through this process will also help your spouse understand the gravity of his or her actions. Sleeping with someone else while also sleeping with you has put you at risk, and it’s important to acknowledge that.
It’s not fair to think that he doesn’t deserve to tell his side of the story or to have feelings in all this. Though you may not feel ready to confront your spouse’s feelings, you have to let him express himself if you want to move forward.
Once you’re up to it, make a point of meeting every day, pushing all distractions aside, and talking about how your relationship is going. If you feel like this is exhausting and only rehashing old feelings, then you should work on talking more about the present and future than the past. It’s important that you and your spouse check in with each other to see how you’re feeling. This is the time to be vigilant and to focus on your relationship. If you don’t have strong communication, then it’s hard to move forward. Work on expressing your feelings with “I” statements, such as saying, “I feel sad when you don’t greet me after you come home from work,” instead of using “you” statements, such as, “You never give me any attention after you get home from work,” which come off as more accusatory.
If you’ve talked to your spouse, stated your feelings, and heard his or her side of the story while feeling like you’ve had a bit of time to reflect on your feelings, then you can start to decide whether or not you want to try to make things work. If you decide you want to make them work, then prepare to put in a lot of effort. If you know it’s over for you, then it’s time to take the steps to get a divorce. If this is the path for you, then you should look in to the laws of your country and/or state — they tend to vary quite a bit.
This can be an intimidating thought, because chances are that you will need some time to figure out the answer. But if there’s something that your gut is telling you already, then you better listen.
Be honest with your spouse about this. Don’t let your desire to forgive or not forgive remain a mystery. Let him or her know that you really want to try to make it work.
You can even discover a new activity, such as hiking or cooking, to do together. This can help you see your relationship in a new light. Just make sure you don’t feel like your partner is suffering through it or trying too hard, though.
Try to get at least 7-8 hours of sleep per night. If you can’t sleep because you’re bothered by your spouse sleeping next to you, you should feel comfortable discussing alternate sleeping arrangements. Work to eat three healthy meals a day. Though you may be prone to eating more unhealthy foods, such as sugary snacks, because you’re stressed, you should try to stay healthy to keep your spirits up. Fatty foods can make you feel sluggish. Try to get at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. This time is good for your mind and body and can give you some time to be alone and not think about the affair. Write in a journal. Try to write in it at least a few times a week to take some time to get in touch with your thoughts. Don’t isolate yourself. Spend more time with your friends and family to feel centered.
If this is important to you, make it clear to your spouse that it’s non-negotiable that you go. Your partner violated your trust, and he or she should be able to do this thing for you.
If you’re thinking of ending the relationship, don’t let your spouse use your children to guilt you into sticking it out. While he or she may argue that your children will be better off with two parents at home, this may not be the case if those two parents are always fighting or no longer care for each other. Make time for them, even while you’re dealing with this hard situation. Being with your children can make you feel stronger, too.
Don’t be mad or frustrated with yourself if you feel like you simply can’t forgive. You’ve made the effort, and your partner is the one who violated your trust in the first place. If you have been able to move on, then you shouldn’t be ashamed of yourself for “giving in,” either. You’ve made a choice that you think is best for your relationship and your family, and no one should judge that.
