People who control others often want their needs met before others. The control freak cannot trust that anyone will do a better job than they will. And in an age when we are constantly told what to do without being fully told why (think of all the rules, regrets and warnings we live by daily), the control freak likes to step into the gap and appear as the sole authority figure around, whether or not they have a proper grasp on the facts (and sadly, they often do not). Core qualities of a controlling or bossy person include a lack of trust in others, a need to criticize, a sense of superiority (arrogance) and a liking for power. They can also feel that they deserve things that other people might not deserve, and feel that they do not need to spend time with or show respect for others. [3] X Research source
Getting professional help can help address control issues through therapy which often involves unraveling the source of the need for control. [5] X Research source If you suspect that this is the case, then the exact disorder would need to be identified by a professional. However, you should be aware that getting someone who likes to be in control to accept that he or she needs such assessment will be difficult. Ultimately, this person has to realize their controlling tendencies and want to do something about them. Most people who are controlling and bossy prefer to blame other people for their issues. Additionally, you may not always be in the position to suggest professional help to the bossy person. If the person, for example, is a boss or an older adult in your family, you may not be in the best position to suggest such a thing.
Even in situations where this person does have authority over you (such as a teacher, enforcement officer or boss), controlling tendencies are revealed through the manner of their use of power. If they are disrespectful, arrogant in tone, pushy and dictatorial, this is a good sign that the person is controlling rather than requesting, negotiating and respecting. People in positions of authority make good leaders or managers only if they respect others under their guidance. This includes directing by example or suggestion, trusting you and delegating responsibility to you.
Many a controlling person lacks empathy and is often rather unaware (or uncaring) about the impact of their bossy words and actions on others. This may be a result of insecurity (manifesting as superiority and power) and unhappiness. It could also signal outright arrogance.
Remember that you’re the one who is rational and has reasonable expectations for what a person can and can’t do. Don’t let another person’s unreasonable desires lead you to feel deficient in any way.
Approach the controlling person in private to explain your concerns. Do not make a public affair out of this. Keep the conversation focused on how the controlling behavior is affecting you; do not insult the person by calling him or her bossy. For example, if you felt your boss was always telling you what to do without acknowledging your skills, you might say something like: “I have worked in this capacity for five years and I am good at this job. However, when you tell me to give you the results so that you can rework everything, I feel as if my qualifications are being overlooked and that my input is not valued. Basically, I don’t feel that I am trusted to come up with what I am well trained to do and that I am not respected. I would like to be spoken to and treated with respect. "
If you seem obviously aggravated or upset, then the person will see that he or she has really gotten to you, which will only fuel the behavior. Getting upset or angry will also make the bossy person view you as weak and even more easy to control. You don’t want to give off this impression, or it will make you even more of a target.
If it is someone in your family, just try to stay out of their way. Sometimes it may seem there is just no pleasing the control freak. This person will criticize you on everything and it is very hard not to take it personally. It can make you furious and may hurt your feelings. The worst thing you can do is fight with such a person because it just wastes your time. They will not, and cannot, change without help. Remind yourself that this controlling behavior is their coping mechanism and is not a devaluation of you––it their deep-seated problem, not yours. If a personal relationship becomes abusive as a result of the person’s controlling behavior, then you should get out and leave. Tell this person you need a break from him or her for now and move on in your life. People who resort to using violence or abusive tactics will not get better until they seek long term therapy. If you’re a teen, try to be agreeable and keep very busy all the time. You can stay away and get out of the house by doing sports or studying and getting really good grades. Tell them you would love to hang out or talk but you are busy with studying, playing, volunteering, etc. Make up good excuses. Then go out and find really nice people who make you feel good about yourself. Set high but realistic goals and achieve them just for you.
Talk about anxiety. Rather than getting caught up in how ridiculous or controlling their behaviors are, ask instead about what they’re worried about. [14] X Research source Actively noticing that this person seems to be spiraling out of control and offering to help take something off their plate may be enough to quell bossiness. For example, you might notice that when your boyfriend is stressed, he gets very snappy and controlling. On a day when he seems stressed to the max about an upcoming work presentation, try giving him a morale boost by acknowledging how tired or stressed he seems and reassure him that he’ll do a great job. Don’t overplay it and be aware that he may still snap, but do be aware that this small reassurance can help to relieve some of the anxiety pressure.
Looking on the bright side may require creativity but you’ll find that a bossy person who understands you have got their measure and keep trumpeting their positive attributes will cease to see you as a threat in their anxiety-driven mind.
For example, say something like: “Thanks for trusting me with that task. " This will make the controlling person feel good and may help him or her ease up on the reigns a bit.
Recognize this for what it is. Sometimes it is better to float the idea or solution than to not have it happen at all. In this case, grin and bear it for the good of your group, organization or company. Be supportive of the outcome and don’t take it personally. Call the person out on it. This can be risky and will depend on the context, the group dynamics and the person involved. If it is very important for you to clarify that you thought of it first, you should try to use hard facts, such as “Oh, that was the idea we discussed back in May 2012 and I still have the prototype drawings on file. My understanding was that our team would be involved in its development and I am pretty sure we noted that. I’m a little disappointed that the first we hear of it is when it’s already in the testing phase. But, that said, since it’s already here, we’re free to help test it. " Keep very good records. If you really do need to prove that you came up with the idea first, keep sound records that could be used in your defense if it ever comes to that. Stop suggesting new ideas in the workplace if your input continues to be ignored or taken away from you. Just keep agreeing, so as to keep the peace, and try to keep the control freak from getting worried about your end. You may need to reassure them constantly that they are the “boss” and that you value your job. If possible, start looking for a new job.
Have you done anything (or failed to do something) that may have provoked the controlling attitude? For example, if you fail to meet deadlines regularly or you never clean up your room, you shouldn’t be surprised if someone responsible either for your upbringing or your pay-check gets a little bossy with you. Bossy people can often ramp up their bossiness in face of what they perceive as unhelpful. In particular, bossy people find passive-aggressive behavior similar to a red rag to a bull — it simply causes them to become even more controlling because they’re frustrated at the underhanded response. It is better to be open with your discontent and to assert yourself than to seek the undermine the bossy person.
Try to be more sensitive to other people when you feel the bossy trigger — notice their reactions. In doing so, you learn a lot about handling the emotions controlling people feel a lot of the time.
Having a better sense of how you come off, whether it’s in the workplace or in a relationship, can give you a better sense of how reasonable the bossy person’s expectations really are. If you have another person back you up, then you’ll see that you have nothing to be paranoid about and that the controlling person is really being unreasonable.
For teens who have to wait until they are old enough to get away, seek volunteer work, sports activities, a job or other things that get you out of the home environment. Ask your parents to pay for college if they have the money, then apply to colleges that are out of state. If they argue about it, explain that the college you want to go to is the only one offering “X” (find something realistic and reasonable).
Finding happiness does not always mean leaving. You could take up a time-consuming hobby, you could even find religion, to spend less time with the control freak. Remember that their opinion of you does not need to lower your self-esteem. Focus on you and remember that you are not responsible for the controlling person’s transformation.
You can go a long way in building back your confidence just by spending time with people who make you feel good about yourself and who don’t feel the need to control you. Do things that make you feel valued and capable. It’s likely that the control freak made you feel like you couldn’t do anything right. Make time to do tasks you’re confident doing, whether you’re doing yoga or writing an annual report.
Ultimately, sometimes leaving is all that you can do, especially when trying to assert yourself and cope does not result in things being better for you.
