If you feel that you need to disagree with your spouse, consider saying something like, “I see your perspective, but have you considered this?” instead of “That’s wrong. My idea is better!” In some cases, you may find that agreeing with your partner is best, but you can do this without submitting to the controlling behavior. For example, you may take the initiative to make your own decision, while still taking your spouse’s opinions into account.
Be as specific as possible when describing the problem to your spouse. For example, instead of saying, “You are too controlling,” consider saying something like, “I feel that you micromanage my activities and don’t trust me to get things done on my own. " If your spouse refuses to acknowledge that there is any problem, this strategy may not work.
This should help you understand your spouse’s behavior and perhaps look past minor incidents, but you should never use this technique to excuse disrespectful behavior.
Avoid getting defensive, as this will only enhance the controlling behaviors.
Be as respectful as possible when having this conversation. If you want to save your marriage, you should not attack your spouse’s character. Instead, focus on the kinds of actions or situations that upset you. Use as many examples as possible in explaining what you mean by “controlling. "
You may want to make a list of the biggest problems and brainstorm with your spouse about specific things you can do to avoid those problems in the future. Keep in mind that there is a chance your spouse will think you are controlling as well, so be open to listening to any boundaries that they might propose.
For minor offences, your spouse may benefit from a simple reminder of your boundaries. Don’t overuse consequences. Withholding privileges or affection as a consequence for the tiniest offence is what controlling people do! Your consequences may have to be quite serious. For example, you may decide that you will move out of the house if your spouse does not make an effort to treat you with respect over the next month.
You may want to try couple’s therapy, as this will give you the opportunity to speak to each other about your problems with the guidance of a professional marriage counselor. Your spouse may also benefit from individual therapy, which may help reveal the reasons behind the controlling behavior, such as low self esteem or a traumatic childhood.
You are entitled to time alone as well, so let your spouse know if you need time to pursue your own hobbies or just be by yourself. Encouraging your spouse to take up hobbies may make this easier. You should still spend some time with your spouse if you are working to improve your marriage. Make this time count by doing enjoyable activities together.
Internalizing criticism can cause you to doubt your own abilities. If this has happened to you, remind yourself of the goals you once wanted to achieve and dismiss any negative thoughts that your spouse may have planted in your head about your abilities. Taking small steps to achieve these goals is a great way to begin to free yourself of a controlling spouse.
Some controlling spouses may make their partners feel guilty by complaining about how they will not be able to function if the partner leaves, or even threatening to harm themselves. Other controlling spouses may make their partners feel guilty by making them feel as if they owe the controlling spouse something for housing them or loving them.
If you practice a different religion than your spouse, maintain your independence by continuing to go to services on your own or with family members. If you have different political beliefs than your spouse, continue to vote based on your own convictions.
Certain behaviors should never be tolerated. If your spouse abuses you physically, verbally, emotionally, or sexually, leaving the relationship is the best option. If you need support, consider calling a domestic violence hotline.
