Your parent may have different behavior, such as feeling more irritable, aggressive, or short-tempered than usual. Your parent may lack energy and may appear exhausted much of the time. Watch out for increases in alcohol consumption or drug use. If your parent has changed habits with alcohol or drugs (including prescription medications and sleeping pills), this may be related to depression. Depression is not contagious and you cannot catch it.
Say, “I’m concerned about you and your health. Have things changed? How are you doing?” You can also say, “I’ve noticed things have changed, and you seem sadder than usual. Is everything okay?” If your parent says something about how they “don’t want to be here anymore,” you should seek help right away. [3] X Research source
Say to your parent, “I want to see you healthy and happy, and I think a therapist could help you with that. Would you consider reaching out to a therapist?”
If you feel like you are carrying much of the weight of family functioning, family therapy is a great place to bring that up and come up with compromises.
Cook dinner together. Draw together. Walk the dog together. Read to them. Ask for homework help.
Go to a park or a nature preserve and take a walk together. Even a stroll around the block while walking the dog counts.
If you don’t live with your parent, you can send a card or an e-mail to show that you are thinking about your parent and love her.
Hug your parent as often as you feel comfortable. Offer a light touch on the shoulder or arm for support.
“Dad has depression, and sometimes he acts cranky and stays in bed a lot. It’s not your fault, and he still loves you very much. " “Mommy has a sickness that makes her really sad and tired. That’s why she moves slowly, and why she cries and forgets to do the chores. This happened all by itself, and none of us can control it. She’s seeing a doctor to help her feel better. While we wait for her to get better, we can help by being kind and helping out with the chores. "
If your needs are being neglected, you need to reach out for help. For example, perhaps you live with your dad and your stepmom, and your dad has depression. You can try talking to her about what’s going on with dad and say that you think he needs help. You can also call a grandparent, aunt or uncle, or even a friend’s parent or teacher. You may be able to help out in little ways, like by keeping your room clean or doing little tasks like taking out the trash, but it is your parent’s responsibility to take care of you. If you are a little older, like a teenager, you might be able to help pick up the slack a little while your parent heals. Try helping out around the house, offering to make or pick up dinner, driving siblings to activities, etc. However, you should not be taking over all household responsibilities or become your parent’s sole care taker. Help out with things that are high-priority (like meals), but be aware that, right now, all chores might not get done. If you are an adult, talk to your parent about getting help. If he is reluctant to see a therapist, you may have better luck convincing him to go in to his doctor for a general checkup. [9] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source Set boundaries about what you are willing and able to do for your parent, remembering that your parent must be willing to accept help before he can get better. You can’t force him to get help. [10] X Research source
Giving away belongings. Saying goodbye to people or trying to create one last good memory for them. Talking about going away or getting their affairs in order. Talking about death or suicide, possibly talking about hurting themselves. Talking about feeling hopeless. A sudden change in behavior, such as calmness after a period of anxiety. Engaging in self-destructive behaviors, such as increased alcohol or drug use. Saying that you would be better off without her, that she doesn’t want to be here anymore, that it will be over soon, or similar statements.
Avoid beating yourself up for your mistakes. You didn’t cause your parent’s depression, and blame and guilt won’t fix anything. Even if you aren’t a perfect son or daughter, that still doesn’t cause depression. Depression often comes from chemical imbalances in the brain, genetic predispositions, and/or severely unhealthy circumstances (e. g. abuse victimization or a very toxic work environment).
If your parent says something awful, take a deep breath and say “That hurt my feelings” or “If you’re going to keep talking to me this way, then I’m going to leave. " You can also speak up after the fact, if you were too confused or startled to respond in the moment. During a calm time, say “It really hurt my feelings earlier when you said _____. " This gives them the opportunity to apologize and try to do better. After they apologize, do your best to let it go. Remember that depression messes with people’s minds, and that people can say things that they don’t mean.
Don’t let your parent’s care and household duties become your life. It’s not your responsibility to be the caretaker. Offer your help but don’t let it take over. [17] X Research source It’s important to set boundaries with your parent. If your parent relies on you to make him feel good or whole, this is an unhealthy dynamic that can have major repercussions on your own mental health. [18] X Research source Try setting small boundaries at first, and try to do so without anger or judgement. For instance, if your parent over-shares with you, telling you more about his problems than is appropriate, you could say something like, “Dad, I love talking with you, but this is a little more than I can handle. I think Aunt Susan could really help you with this problem. "
Helping your parent can be part of your life, but it shouldn’t be all of your life. You need time to yourself.
Your parent may be too sick to fill a parental role, so search for other adults who can be mentors to you. Consider older siblings, grandparents, aunts/uncles, spiritual leaders, and family friends.
Find activities that relax you or help you feel good. This may include sports, going for a run, or playing with a family pet. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Similarly, you can’t help your parent if you’re frazzled or exhausted yourself. Take plenty of time to rest and relax.
Don’t feel ashamed to cry. There is nothing wrong with crying or expressing your emotions, alone or in public. Give yourself as much time as you need to let your tears out. If you feel more comfortable, you can excuse yourself to cry somewhere private, like your bedroom or the bathroom.
