The only real exception to this is if you have little kids (your son has siblings who have children, perhaps) around and she’s cursing like crazy - then you might say, mildly, “Ooh - can we watch the language while the kids are here? They get into trouble for saying that word and I don’t want them to pick it up here. Thanks. " No matter how creepy she is, stay calm, cool, poised, and polite.
If your daughter-in-law makes snide or nasty remarks about another family member (perhaps your other daughter-in-law), say, “Well, she may not have much fashion sense, but she is one of the sweetest people I know, and I love her very much. " This lets her know, in a calm, non-critical way, that you will not be interested in hearing her snipe at this person. If she drops over unannounced, don’t lie but stop her at the door with a regretful but firm, “I’m sorry, Allison - and think of something that you need to do like I’m just about to go and run my errands, so I need to fly. And you know what - it really is best to give a call ahead, just so I’m not in the shower, or doing my nude dancing or whatever. " Then grin and go back inside. If she tells you she’d like to tag along, let her know you’re picking up a friend and this was time you had set aside to visit with that friend. Tell her you only get time with your friend so often, and you would not appreciate it if your friend brought someone else along at the last minute, and that you will respect that little propriety this time, “. . . but if you let me know ahead of time that you’ll be coming by, I can either reschedule my running around with Bernice, or ask if she’d mind if you joined us - that’d be fine for next time!” Keep it positive.
Example 1: Your daughter-in-law was supposed to drop your grandkids off for a sleepover on Friday night, but didn’t show. You wait an hour and a half before finally calling your son, worried and upset, to find that their plans changed and they have called off the visit. Wisely, you wait a day, then call your son or daughter again to discuss a more suitable way to handle such an issue. You: “Josh, you asked us if we’d like to take the kids last weekend. Allison was supposed to drop them off around 5pm on Friday night and pick them up at noon on Sunday. Instead, Allison was a no-show on Friday, and when they hadn’t arrived by 6:30, we were worried. I had to call you to find out that your plans had changed - and you both knew this since Thursday. " Joshua (your son) responds: “Mom, I’m sorry. I thought Allie was calling you, and she thought I was calling you, and it just got lost in the shuffle - we’re so busy, and when the plans changed, it was kind of last-minute, so I’m sorry for that. " You: “I get that this time was a mix up, but it’s happened before, and the thing is, it seems Allison never really ends up calling us when plans change - what ends up happening is that I call you to find out what is going on. This is very inconsiderate, Josh, and you know that. Dad and I have our lives, too, and we’re busy, too. We cleared our schedule last weekend so that the kids could come and stay, and Dad turned down an invitation to go fishing with friends. In the future, I would like you to call at least a day ahead if plans change - but definitely, I would like you to be the one to handle it, rather than trusting that Allison will call. I don’t want to be the nasty Mother-in-law, causing problems with your wife. But I also don’t want to be left hanging, and whether it’s intentional or not - that makes me feel like a doormat. So can we agree that in the future, if plans change and you are backing out, you will call, not Allison?” Example 2: You have the opposite problem - Allison drops over and wants to leave the kids with you constantly, leaving you little to no time to yourself, and treating you like the hired help and her personal babysitting service - at her beck and call. You: “Allison, I’m sorry - I can’t take the kids just now. " Allison: “Oh, I know it’s short notice (really, it’s no notice) but please, please, please - I have this thing. . . " (as she shoves the kid toward the door) You: (standing resolutely in the doorway) Honey, I’m sorry, I can’t do it this time. I would love to, but I really do need some notice. I have plans that I cannot cancel, and I can’t take the kids with me. " Do not weaken to “keep peace. " It won’t work. She will continue to do this, and you will continue to seethe with anger - and in the end, you may blow up and say something unfortunate which will cause a huge rift in your family. [2] X Research source Instead, hold your ground kindly, but firmly, and set this boundary clearly. [3] X Research source Later, call your son: You: “I guess Allison told you I was “mean” today, and couldn’t babysit. " Josh: “Yeah. " (He probably understands and is not mad at you, but is exasperated that his wife is having a cow about it and doesn’t know how to get her off your case) You: “I do feel bad about it, but honey, I have a life, too, and lately it really feels like Allison just assumes I will be able to take the kids whenever she feels like going shopping with friends or whatever it is she does. I don’t appreciate being taken for granted. I don’t want to cause World War III here, and I don’t want to hurt her feelings - I love the kids, and I always want to spend time with them, but, Josh, I need a little notice. A little appreciation for the fact that it’s not easy for me taking care of little kids - as much as I love them, I’m getting older. I raised my kids and I think I deserve at least the respect of being asked first whether I might be available to babysit, rather than just having them dumped on me. Can you speak to her, please? I think she’d take this better coming from you - but in the future, I really would like for her to call. Even if it’s just a couple of hours ahead, at least having the option to say yes or no would make me feel a lot better. " Again, no matter how clueless and rude you believe Allison has been, it’s better to simply deal with your feelings about it rather than criticizing her. Josh will understand, certainly, and if you can get him to talk to his wife rather than leaving it up to you to keep on saying no to her, it will smooth things between you. However - if Josh does try, and it is to no avail because his wife is just one of those people who feels entitled to do whatever she wants no matter how much it inconveniences others, then you will simply have to set your boundary hard and not deviate from it. [4] X Research source One suggestion: Never babysit unless you receive 24 hours notice first - but make sure both Josh and Allison are aware of this. State that you have a life of your own and if you are asked a day ahead, you very well may be available to babysit, but past that, you will not be able to. In other words, if she calls and asks for you to babysit an hour from now, you simply say you’ve already made other plans. If you stand firm on this and don’t just allow her to steamroll you, but rather, patiently and calmly just inform her without explaining excessively, she will soon learn that she can’t expect this of you.
