Focus on your friend’s positive qualities as much as you can, even in situations where the person needs to be in the spotlight. Consider that your friend may feel threatened by an accomplishment of yours, and so acts out as a confidence booster. [3] X Expert Source Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RDLicensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert Expert Interview. 6 October 2021. Remember that as long as your friend’s need for attention isn’t harming you or another person, you can accept his or her need to be the center of attention. [4] X Research source Avoid trying to change your friend. If you feel the need to change someone, then it might be best to not engage in the friendship. [5] X Research source
Manage your expectations about your friend. If you don’t think they can stop taking the spotlight, keep this in mind whenever you are with the person. Not expecting the person to completely change may help you enjoy the friendship more. [7] X Research source
Remind yourself of what you have in common. Do your both love exotic cuisines or going for bike rides? Draw on these interests as well as your friend’s other qualities to shift focus away from their need for attention.
See if you notice specific situations in which your friend needs to be the center of attention. For example, it could be when your friend is around a co-ed crowd or with people who are more successful. Talk to your friend honestly—and gently—about any patterns you see. You may find out that your friend just needed someone to talk to and some tips on how to navigate difficult situations.
Say things to bolster your friend in situations that may cause anxiety. For example, you could say, “I know it’s hard to be around all of these professors, but remember that you have a lot of awesome skills that these people will never be able to do. ” You can also highlight your friend’s individuality in group situations. For example, say “You know, Chris left his PhD program to start a successful bakery. He’s won several prestigious awards for his breads. ”
Tell your friend you value them and that it’s important for you to be honest. You can say, “I really cherish our friendship, but I need to be honest with you about your need to always be in the spotlight. ”
Emphasizing community and using disappointment is a good tactic to get your friend to realize their shortcoming. It’s also far more effective than anger or negativity. [12] X Research source Say, “Sometimes you have this need to be in the spotlight and it comes to the detriment of everyone else in the room. Everyone recognizes your awesome accomplishments, but you should realize that we all have our successes, too. We’d like to be able to share those with you and others in the group. ”
Avoid embarrassing your friend if possible. Gently explain why their behavior is unacceptable in private. For example, say, “Alex, the way you overtook that conversation was too much. Jack was telling us about his promotion and you took over about your own work successes. You should be more sensitive and think about how your behavior affects the rest of us. ”
Say, “well, now that we all know Max is a superstar, let’s move on to what we’re going to eat. ” This can smooth over problems and cue your friend about his or her inappropriate behavior.
Offer support in a group by saying “I understand why Jack’s promotion made Max feel insecure, and maybe we should try and be more inclusive in celebrating everyone. ” Support your friend individually by saying, “I understand why Jack’s promotion made you insecure, but we should have been able to celebrate him without you taking over the conversation. ”
Ask yourself honest questions about your feelings. For example, you might not like the way your friend behaves because it makes you feel like a lesser person. Your friend’s behavior might also embarrass you in social settings.
Consider limiting personal contact and any social media you follow. For example, you might find that not having to see constant self-aggrandizing Facebook posts helps you tolerate your friend in person. Remember to keep your relationship civil and polite. This person is your friend and you may not want to hurt the person. You can say, “I’m sorry, I’m just really busy with work and don’t have a lot of time right now. ”
Be as kind and honest as possible when ending the friendship. For example, saying, “I’ve noticed a change in our friendship in the last few months. I think it’s sad that it’s come to an end, but I wish you nothing but the best in the future. ” That will always be better than, “your need to hog the spotlight annoys me and I don’t want to be friends anymore. ”[17] X Research source Meet the person if you are in the same city and explain your feelings. If you are in different cities, send the person a kind, handwritten note. This can help you feel confident that you’ve considered your decision and shows the other person that you have enough respect to take that time and write to them. Keep your reasons focused on yourself and not on the other person. Say, “It’s hard for me to witness what you’re going through. I need to end our friendship and think that it’s the best decision for both of us. ” This signals the person that the problem is with you and not them. [18] X Research source
