Check out the way the person acts when you ask their birth date or hometown. Now compare that behavior to how the person acts when you ask a more difficult question, like whether they slept with your boyfriend or fudged numbers on a work document. If the person is telling the truth, they shouldn’t show signs of stress when answering the more difficult questions. Forget what you’ve heard about lack of eye contact being an indication that someone is lying; in fact, many liars deliberately make eye contact because of this myth. When people lie they unconsciously exhibit other physical signs of stress. Look for these signs: A fake smile that engages only the mouth, not the eyes. A higher-pitched voice than normal. Dilated pupils. Very slow blink rate (and rapid blink rate when the lie is over). Antsy foot movements, like toe-tapping or shuffling. Face touching, like repeatedly covering the mouth, eyes or nose.
If someone lies every time you ask them about why their father is always absent, or why they never finished high school, or why they refuse to speak to a certain person, the answers to those questions might well be classified as none of your business, anyway. Unless you’re in a committed relationship with someone, you aren’t entitled to knowing every detail about someone’s life. If, on the other, hand the person seems to tell lies just for the heck of it, even when asked questions about seemingly unimportant topics, they might be a compulsive liar. Since their lying doesn’t follow a pattern, it will be a lot harder to sympathize with the person’s intentions for hiding the truth.
Is the person merely protecting themselves from saying too much? Maybe it’s not that big a deal. Is the person lying to manipulate other people? Do people make decisions based on what the person says, not realizing they’ve been lied to? This is a problem that needs to be addressed. Is the person lying to get away with bad behavior, like stealing, cheating or hurting someone? This behavior has a severely negative effect.
If you can collect hard evidence, such as emails or paperwork that contradicts what the person said, it’ll make the confrontation that much easier. If you’re relying on other people to call out the lie, try to get more than one person’s word.
Don’t call the person a liar. Again, it’s better to take a gentle course at first. In most cases the person will be so embarrassed at being found out that they will stop lying.
Most people will be deeply embarrassed by this, and hopefully will make a commitment to you to tell the truth from now on. Compulsive liars may admit that they have an addiction, and ask you for help in stopping their bad habit. You may have to confront them over and over again before they stop lying for good; for some, it will be a never-ending battle. Pathological liars and sociopaths are not going to be swayed by a confrontation. For them, lying is an essential part of their personality.
Don’t get wrapped up in the person’s lies. Make sure you always have a firm grasp on the truth. Good liars are believable, and it’s important to be able to tell the truth from fantasy. Cut the person off if it gets out of hand. Don’t let yourself get too sucked in. At a certain point, you might need to cut ties and let go of a toxic relationship. After you’ve done everything you can, break it off and start healing.
