Avoid playing head games. They’re a waste of time, and the longer they go on, the more leverage an experienced manipulator will have to get you to do their bidding. [2] X Research source It’s usually a bad sign when someone isn’t willing to reveal their true thoughts or intentions. Sometimes, even just being silent after a person tries to manipulate you can speak volumes. [3] X Expert Source Allison Broennimann, PhDClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 14 December 2020.
Making you angry might even be part of their plan, since it affects your ability to reason. Delay a confrontation until you’ve had time to cool off.
You don’t have to justify yourself or offer excuses. Simply say “I’m sorry, I can’t” and be firm. [6] X Research source There may be times when a friend, even a manipulative one, needs your help. Use your best judgment to decide when you’re doing the right thing and when you’re getting played.
For instance, if you know someone who constantly ridicules your fashion sense to make themselves look better, you could respond by simply saying “I like the way I dress. ” By going out of your way to accommodate a critical companion, you’ll only be doing their bidding.
A true friend may not always like the other people you hang out with or approve of the guy or girl you’re dating, but they’ll never try to tell you that you shouldn’t see them. Spend some time reflecting on your personal values and limits. What are you OK with? What goes too far? This can help you establish boundaries with your friend.
Be careful not to sound like you’re calling their character into question. Everyone can be manipulative from time to time. Getting the issue out in the open is often the first step to resolving it. [9] X Research source Remember that they may be defensive when you bring this up. Remain calm and friendly as you chat.
This might be the most civil approach if you have a friend whose manipulative tendencies only show themselves occasionally. Remember: other people only have as much control over you as you give them.
Rather than making potentially offensive statements like “You’re a liar,” which will likely just cause them to shut down, try something more tactful, like “I think it’s unfair that you twist my words when it suits you. " Keep in mind that the cycle is likely to continue unless you put your foot down once and for all. [12] X Research source If the manipulation is new, pay attention to whether there’s anything that’s recently changed in your relationship that could be making one or both of you anxious. For instance, is one of you getting ready to move for a new job? That could be a factor in why it’s happening. [13] X Expert Source Allison Broennimann, PhDClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 14 December 2020.
Be on the lookout for openings that your friend might use to avoid a discussion, like undermining your feelings or playing the whole thing off as a joke. If your friend says something like, “you’re being too sensitive” or “you’re overreacting,” remember that they may be trying to manipulate you again. If you’re upset, you have a right to let your friend know.
When angered, your friend might resort to childish or hurtful tactics, like complaining about you to mutual acquaintances or spreading rumors. Ignore them. This is just further proof that they were never really your friend in the first place. Resist the temptation to slander your former friend to others. Be the bigger person and let it go.
It’s rare that you’ll hear a person with a manipulative personality accept responsibility for their own faults. In their minds, they can do no wrong. [16] X Research source Staying friends with a manipulator could mean finding yourself the subject of gossip or rumors.
Stop allowing yourself to be tricked into feeling guilty when you shouldn’t. When you take what you’re being told at face value, you’ll be more eager to please in order to get back into your friend’s good graces. Be up front when you suspect you’re being guilted into doing something. It will help your friend see the error of their ways if they’re doing it unconsciously, and let them know that you’re onto them if they’re doing it intentionally. [18] X Research source A manipulative friend might try to blame you for something going wrong, even when you had nothing to do with it. If you suspect this to be the case, try not to take it personally.
Try asking your friend for a small favor. The lengths they’re willing to go to help you can tell you a lot about how much they value your friendship.
For example, let’s say you’ve had a bad day at work. Most friends would try to cheer you up. A manipulative friend, however, might try to one-up you by talking about how their day was worse. Look for a pattern of all take and no give in your relationship. This is a good indication that your friend is taking advantage of you whether they realize it or not. [21] X Research source Accusing your friend without a good reason may just cause unnecessary tension.
Manipulative people will often try to blame you or diminish your feelings. They might say “you’re imagining this” or “why can’t you take a joke?” Try not to let these tactics change your mind. You have a right to assert your boundaries. Making excuses for self-serving friends will only make it harder to tell when they’re using you.
