You’re already dealing with a lot of stress because of the nagging. Try not to let it harm you further. Stress can cause headaches, increased heart rate, and hyperventilating. Take five deep breaths, slowly breathing in and out. This will help calm you. After you leave the situation, try listening to soothing music or taking a hot shower.
Make it clear that you are finished with this interaction. You can say, “I am going to take a walk to calm down. Your words are hurtful. ”
Anger Frustration Worry Self-doubt
Spend some time outside. Take a hike or catch a baseball game. Treat yourself to your favorite food. Take time to go catch a movie you’ve been wanting to see.
Get together with a trusted friend and tell them that you need to talk. Try writing in a journal. It can be cathartic to write down how you’re feeling.
Are you actually mad that your wife asks you to take out the trash? Or are you more upset that she asks you to do it the minute you get home from work? Once you can clearly articulate the problem, you’ll be better able to address it.
For example, you might offer to meet her halfway on an issue that bothers you. You could say, “I’ll be happy to take out the trash, but the minute I get home from work is not a good time for me. I’ll start taking it out in the morning instead. ”
Use “I” statements to avoid casting blame. Try saying, “I feel stressed when you ask me several times to do one thing. ”
Tell yourself that no one has the right to discount your emotions. Even if your wife doesn’t see your point of view, your feelings are valid. Remember—you are both adults, and you both have your own ability to make choices for yourself.
Show that you are listening by maintaining eye contact and making gestures such as nodding. You can also indicate your interest by paraphrasing. For instance, “I hear you saying that you feel I don’t help out enough around the house. ”
You could say, “I agree that we’re not really working together on household chores. How could we create a more fair division of labor? I’m feeling really put upon lately. ” You can also look for ways to compromise. Let’s say that your wife nags you about where you are and who you spend your free time with—while you definitely don’t need her permission to hang out with your friends, it still might help to give her your location for safety purposes. You might say, “I’m going to be spending time with friends, and this is where I’ll be. If there’s any issue, here’s the number to the place. "
Take time each day to hug your wife. Be affectionate by rubbing her shoulders while you watch TV.
If your wife continues this behavior, she’s clearly not hearing what you are saying. Make your emotions clear. Try saying, “I have explained to you that I feel hurt, angry, and frustrated. I feel that you are not hearing me, because you continue to nag me, even though it hurts. I need you to understand my point of view. ”
Ask your wife if she is willing to attend counseling with you in a neutral, non-aggressive way. You might say “I have concerns about us being unable to connect well and in the best way possible. I would like for us to go to counseling and address it. " Focus the conversation on your relationship rather than on the issue you have with your wife. Emphasize that you want to feel more connected, and that you want your wife to feel like she can trust you. If she doesn’t want to go, you can go on your own. You can still get help processing your emotions.
Make it clear that you are not going to let the matter drop. Try saying, “I know we just talked about this last week, but I haven’t seen any positive changes. I need you to realize how hurtful you are being. ”
Think about whether the nagging is a deal breaker for you. If it’s not, you can keep trying to make your wife hear you. If you just can’t take it anymore, make that clear. Try saying, “I can’t continue to live with this stress. If you can’t make some immediate changes, I’m going to have to consider taking some time off from our relationship. ”
It’s possible that your wife feels like you aren’t actually hearing her when she speaks. This might cause her to keep harping about the trash, when really she is needing you to acknowledge her words.
Is she constantly demanding that you make a point to come home from work earlier? Although unpleasant, this might actually be her way of saying she needs to spend more time with you. Try spending a little more quality time with her. Take some time to sit and talk at least once a week. You might find that the nagging stops.
You might say, “I hear you saying I’m always too busy to take out the trash. Is it possible that you feel I’m too busy to make time for you?” You can also re-frame the issue by explaining your side. You could state, “I know if feels like I ignore your requests. But actually, I’d rather take time to chat with you than do chores right when I walk in the door. ”
It can help to reframe the word “nagging” as “expressing your feelings or concerns. " When you focus on the intention of what your wife is sharing, it might be a bit easier to listen. For example, maybe your wife constantly nags you to take out the trash. You could think about it from the perspective of cleanliness and how she just wants to keep the home consistently clean.
