You can mentally check-out by focusing on some activity like putting clothes away or doing yoga while letting your mind wander elsewhere. If they try to get you to respond by repeatedly saying (or shouting) your name, try to completely ignore them. Alternatively, calmly say something simple and straightforward only once—for example: “I refuse to engage with you when you’re acting this way. ” Then go back to ignoring them.
“I understand that you were raised to believe that winning was the only acceptable outcome, but it’s inappropriate for you to throw stuff and say hurtful things just because you finished second in sales this quarter. ”
“I deserve to speak my mind about this as well, and I expect you to allow me to do precisely that. ”
“Joey and Laura stopped hanging out with us because of these episodes, and I really think we could end up without any friends left. ”
“Can we try to see this from each other’s perspective here? Imagine you’re standing here watching me tearing up papers from work and swearing because of a slightly negative performance review. ”
“I will not stand here watching and listening to you slam all the cabinets and drawers because you don’t like how dinner turned out. That’s simply not acceptable behavior. ”
“I am going to be as clear as possible here: if you shout hurtful things at me like that ever again, this relationship is over. Period. ”
When you feel the urge to shout back at them, stop and take a few slow, deep breaths. Repeat to yourself something like the following: “I’m in control of my emotional response. I can remain calm. ”
Instead of just saying, “It’s not my fault you’re upset about this,” recognize what they’re experiencing. Then, refuse to take the blame: “I’m sorry you feel so upset about this, but it is not my fault that you forgot to pick up the dry cleaning. ”
Getting help can range from staying at a friend’s house to calling the police, depending on the situation. Instead of ignoring or minimizing the threats or actual violence you experience, do what is necessary to protect yourself.
Talk to a friend. Confide in someone who you trust and who is a good listener. Express your feelings and vent as needed. Allow their empathy and support to restore you. Practice gratitude. Handling a narcissist can make it tough to remember what you should be thankful for. Try writing down and reflecting on a list of 5 or 10 things you’re grateful for. For ongoing benefits, turn this into a daily ritual. Attend therapy. While narcissists are rarely willing to go to therapy, it can be really helpful for people like you who deal with a narcissist. The therapist can help you find and develop individualized coping strategies.
For example, if you don’t immediately and effusively praise them for getting a good grade at school or a good performance review at work, they might fly into a rage. Or, if they feel like you’re not calling or texting them often enough during the day, they might angrily accuse you of not caring about them, having an affair, or both.
They might, for instance, take you pointing out that they spilled a bit of soup on their shirt as an attempt at mocking them. Or, they may lash out that “you must think I’m stupid” if you try to give them some innocuous advice on how to use the new coffee maker in the break room. Keep in mind that substance abuse can exacerbate all types of triggers for narcissistic rage events.
This is why it’s important not to just “give in” to rage episodes in order to get them over with. Instead, ignore or confront them.
No matter what, you do not deserve to put up with physical abuse or verbal abuse. If you feel your safety is threatened, leave the situation, get help, or do whatever else is necessary to protect yourself.
If you have concerns that the person will engage in serious or even life-threatening self-harm, seek help for them—call emergency services if necessary.
