Passive aggressiveness is different than the occasional defensiveness or lateness. A passive aggressive behavior is purposeful and often becomes a pattern. [2] X Research source It’s easy to get sucked into this type of interaction, then feel blamed or at fault when this can be a tactic of manipulation.
Your husband may “forget” to pick up the dry cleaning, or say you didn’t remind him to get the kids after school. He may pretend that he didn’t do something when there’s obvious evidence that he did.
Does your husband find ways to twist the truth in order to escape blame? Do you find him constantly blaming you for things that go wrong, even if you had nothing to do with them?
If your husband gives things away that are yours or throws away things that are important to you, this is also a form of withholding. Does your husband try to exert power over you by withholding emotions? What about withholding things?
Do you find yourself often waiting for your husband to get off the computer or turn off the tv when you have something planned? Does he make excuses about being caught up at work or blaming traffic, more often than not?
Does your husband often not complete tasks, find ways to put them off, or make excuses for why they were done poorly?
When you notice these signs, you can disengage from the conflict before more overt passive aggression comes forth.
If you feel yourself about to react, stop yourself and take a moment. Think about the way you feel and what thoughts are going through your head. Take a deep breath before saying anything. Try to figure of what kinds of triggers lead to escalations in your arguments. [10] X Expert Source Jin S. Kim, MALicensed Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
If he is chronically late, say, “We have a difficulty getting out of the house in time when we have places to be. What do you think would be helpful in ensuring we get places on time?”
If he says, “Why are you so mad?” Communicate clearly that his behavior is upsetting. “When you don’t communicate with me, it’s really frustrating. I’d like to know what’s going on that feels challenging to you. ”
Get in the habit of writing things down that need to be done. Don’t leave any room for ambiguity. The clearer you are, the less he is likely to find the wiggle room. Healthy communication is key to reducing tension in a marriage. [14] X Expert Source Jin S. Kim, MALicensed Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
Instead of saying, “I really hate it when you don’t do the chores I ask you to do, I can’t believe you’re so lazy” say “It really bothers me that I feel I can’t count on you to do chores. It sets things back in the home and makes me feel stressed. Can we find a way to work together and make sure things get done in the house?”
When both of you are calm, have a real discussion about your feelings. Talk about what is and is not working for you, for him, and for you both as a married couple. Find ways to express your own resentment or anger and encourage him to do the same.
Practice active listening by repeating or summarizing what your husband says. [18] X Research source “I hear you saying that you had a rough day, and would rather not talk about finances tonight. Is that right?” When your husband includes emotional content, empathize with the emotion. “I can see that you’re frustrated” or “Wow, that sounds really stressful, I would feel overwhelmed, too” are ways to communicate that you understand the emotion.
Remember that you cannot change your husband, however, you can change how you react to him. A therapist can help you work to respond differently, even if your husband never changes.
