An unwillingness to articulate feelings, especially negative feelings. Instead, they are kept bottled up inside, only to either explode at some really inconvenient point much later on or be the subject of covert muttering, gossip or irritability (in an attempt to have you overhear without directly speaking to you). Agrees to do as you suggest/ask, or even offers to complete tasks, then never does them (this is known as “temporary compliance”). He/she may use procrastination or delay as an art form, an art to frustrate others! Or, he/she does the task to his/her own timetable or does it in a half-hearted and incomplete way (in the hope you’ll never ask again). Sulks, goes quiet, pouts, gets moody (says things such as “Fine. Whatever. “). The sullenness can last often for hours or more, all because he/she failed to get his/her own way or failed to articulate clearly enough what was wanted and then blames the other. [4] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source Gives sarcastic responses instead of treating issues seriously or listening authentically. This can include subtle ways of putting down your efforts or wants. Denies being angry, mad or blue. And yet, there is quite evidently something seething away there. Most of the time nobody has the energy to tease it out, so in there it remains, festering. Another possibility pushing you to the brink of looking like the one who is irritable or angry, allowing him/her to shift the blame. Quits. “That’s it, I’ve had it, I am out of here. You never appreciated me anyway. " And most probably storms off into the bargain, leaving everyone scratching their heads as to where this all came from (it often occurs after the slightest of provocations––remember that simmering pot of unexpressed needs and wants).
You feel that your time and desires are not respected. For example, you call out “dinner’s ready”. Your spouse says “In a moment”. That moment stretches out to half an hour as he/she “just finishes” some game/writing/TV, whatever. You have gone to the trouble of making a meal. There should be no delay in turning up to share it without a very good reason. Should you find this happening constantly, it’s probably passive-aggressive behavior, and it is very controlling. You feel that your reasonable requests are being undermined. For example, your neighbor says that he/she will definitely cut down the overhanging branches that are clogging up your swimming pool. He/she couldn’t be sweeter about it, and says “it’s a promise”. Days turn into weeks, he/she smiles and waves from a distance, but still those leaves are clogging up your pool. Eventually, you track him/her down and ask about it and he/she says, “Oh yes, I meant to but my snips were broken. I’ve had them in for repairs. " A week later, you find half the branches lopped to leave jagged sharp edges at eye-level and the rest still firmly in place. Your “friendship” with your neighbor is now questionable. You feel that you are being purposefully waylaid, preventing you from doing something you’d like to do. For example, you have loved working for X firm for 8 years. But now it’s time to move on, so you ask the owner-boss for a reference for an upcoming interview. Your boss says he/she will be sad to lose you but that he/she understands you need to spread your wings. He/she says he’ll be happy to give a reference. You don’t get the job, and the feedback tells you that your boss said some really negative things about your performance and skills. You’re gobsmacked at having discovered that your boss has no intention of letting you go but just won’t tell you to your face.
Are you enabling this behavior in any way?: If you are non-confrontational too, perhaps living with the passive-aggressive actions is all just a whole lot easier than having to speak your mind or stand your ground. Add to this a desire to ensure that this person continues to like you “just the way you are” and perhaps both of you are dancing around each other without really saying what either of you thinks or wants. Do you feel controlled?: If you feel as if the passive-aggressive behavior is limiting your choices and ability to say what will happen in your life, then the behavior is most likely impacting you severely. In this case, it’s recommended that you get some help from a trusted person or a therapist, in order to help you treat the reasons behind why you capitulate with such ease to controlling methods. Your own assertiveness and strengths will likely need to be given a boost. Are you the target of comments about your thin skin?: Does this person often claim that you’re “too hyped up”, “unable to take a joke”, “wanting things to be too perfect” or “getting upset about nothing”? These are all phrases designed to push back the problem onto you, so as to make you look bad. The “calm” exterior of the passive-aggressive person is then seen as charming and sensible. The accusations leveled at you can leave you spluttering. If this happens constantly, you are being set up to look like the baddie in the relationship and this nasty pushback needs to be acknowledged and moved away from. Is the need for approval driving you?: Do you want this person’s “approval” in some way? If this is a driver in your relationship, it can be a self-enforcing way to keep you tied to the passive-aggressive person’s agenda and pace. You don’t need anyone’s approval. You do need to realize how seeking the approval of such a person leaves you open to being taken advantage of.
Know what your own values are and your uncrossable boundaries. When you are clear on these, you will know when you’re being used (see below).
State the fact(s) and the consequences clearly. Do not explain in great depth and do not use emotional words. Keep it simple, straightforward and clear. Rinse and repeat if needed. Stick to the same words and message. This makes it clear that you are firm about your expectations. Inform the passive-aggressive person of how his/her failure to contribute/arrive on time/meet a deadline, etc. impacts you. Stick to “I” statements and do not say anything about the other person’s character or personality. Never mention the words “passive-aggressive” directly to this person. Always focus on how the behavior makes you feel and impacts you, using the exact descriptive words that fit the situation. Nobody likes being called out openly on being covertly aggressive!
Ignoring the wiles and attempts to get you to put up with the delays, lack of commitment or shoddy performance. Going over this person’s head. Go to the person who can get done what you need to get done. Don’t worry about how the passive-aggressive person will feel; he/she will be feeling mortified that you’ve worked out the game. Snap! Reminding yourself that you are just fine. Tell yourself: “X is game-playing again. This isn’t about me, so I won’t spend the rest of the evening fuming that he/she failed to cooperate. He/she is just trying to sabotage things again, so I see it for what it is and sidestep it. " Go ahead and do what needs to be done. Sometimes moving on means that someone else needs to be involved to help finish things. In such a case, don’t be afraid to explain how the passive-aggressive person has placed you in this position so that the problem doesn’t reflect poorly on you. Again, stick to facts about being given a firm date but still failing to meet deadlines, etc. ; do not call that person names or denigrate their character.
“I appreciate your offer to finish the gardening by Wednesday. I have a birthday party to hold in it on Saturday and I cannot cope with being made to wait when catering and setting up depends on early readiness. Thus, if you have not finished the garden by Wednesday, Jeeves Garden Services will come in on Thursday to fix it all. I will send the bill to you. " “It’s really great that you love playing Xbox all day. But when I’ve made dinner, I expect you to respect my efforts by coming to the table on time. If you don’t, I won’t be keeping your meal warm anymore. You can eat it as you find it. " “While I appreciate that you add value to the documents we get to our clients, I can no longer be placed in an untenable position of telling clients that their product is not ready on time. The deadline is on Tuesday next week. If you have not made that deadline, I will be going ahead and printing the document without your input in it. " “I love that you want to be a part of my life. However, I’ve come to realize that I end up doing all the planning for our outings and then, we are usually late to everything we go to even though I am well and truly ready on time. From now on, if you don’t want to come, just say so, I can handle that openness. If not, I will be leaving at the precise moment needed to get me to the events on time, whether or not you are ready. "
Stay calm. Assert on. (In the tradition of those posters. In fact, make yourself one if it helps. )
