For example, say, “We don’t have to have everything done before your family arrives. It’s okay if things are not perfect. ” You can also say, “I know you like it when tasks are completed, but we’ve run out of time and I’d like to spend time with the kids. I’m going to play with them and you’re welcome to join. It seems like perfectionism to want to stay and complete the tasks, but that’s okay if that’s your choice. "
For example, if a dentist appointment was moved to another date, let your spouse know as soon as possible so that they can make plans. Get into the habit of sending a text or email as soon as you know there will be a change.
Say, “That is one way to look at it, but I have a different view I’d like to express. ” You may also consider making a rule that whomever is in charge of doing a job gets to do the job however they like.
Take a break if you need to. Say, “I can tell you’re unhappy so I’ll give you some space. ” Or, it may also be helpful to say, “I know you’re disappointed, but no one expects you to be perfect but you. "
For example, if your spouse is working on spending more time with the family and less time cleaning the house, encourage them when they are present and be patient if there’s an occasional cleaning spree.
Reflect on what your self-esteem was like before this relationship, and whether or not you felt confident about your decisions before someone started challenging them. If you struggle with self-esteem, work with a therapist to help you improve your self-image. Find a therapist through your insurance provider, a referral from a physician, a local mental health clinic, or from a recommendation from a friend or family member.
For example, say, “I know you like it when things go your way. However, it hurts my feelings when you ignore my requests or ideas. ”
Say, “When you criticize the way I wash dishes, it makes me feel angry. I felt hurt by your comment and I don’t want to be spoken to like that. ”
If you don’t do things the way your spouse wants them done, you might fear their aggression or rage. For example, if the bed isn’t made just right, your spouse may berate you or say, “You can’t do anything right!” If your spouse is abusive, seek help. Talk to someone you trust like a friend, family member, or therapist. You can also call a helpline at 1-800-799-7233 to create a safety plan or talk about the abuse.
For example, restate what they say to show understanding by saying, “So what I hear you saying is…“ Ask questions when you are unclear by saying, “I want to make sure I understand. Is this what you meant?”
If this happens, show kindness and compassion and remind them of their positive attributes and successes. Try to validate their struggle with words, such as by saying, “I know how hard you can be on yourself - I’m sorry you struggle so much with that. Is there a way I can help you?” Avoid telling them to “knock it off” because it is likely that they do not want to live this way.
For example, if your spouse expects you to pick the children up on time each day and then come home and cook a meal, agree on standards for them such as buying groceries and helping the kids with homework each day.
Write a note to your spouse saying what you love about them. Get in the habit of telling each other what you love about one another daily.
Bring up the issue of therapy gently. Say, “It’s hard being understanding and compromising in my position and this is affecting our relationship. I think a therapist could really help us work through this more effectively. ”
