If you find yourself so angry that you can’t stay calm, excuse yourself. Tell your teen, “I need a moment to collect my thoughts, but after that, we’re talking. ” Take as much time as you need to calm down. Don’t curse, insult, shout, or use sarcasm as a response to your child. This may only result in a bigger argument.
For example, if you ask your teen to wash the dishes and they roll their eyes, you might ignore it as long as they actually do the task. If you refuse to let your teen go out, they may mumble something like “ugh, fine, whatever. " In this case, you might just want to let it go.
You might say, “I do not want to hear you swearing. It is disrespectful” or “If you want to talk to me, use a calm voice. Don’t yell. ” You should also explain why the backtalk is inappropriate. For example, you might say, “I find it difficult for us to have a conversation when I am being interrupted. ”
You may say, “If you want to explain yourself, I will listen. ” Your teenager may not understand why you are doing certain things. For example, they may believe that you are being mean when you won’t let them date. Explain your reasons for making this rule. Show your teen that you’re listening by repeating back what they say using statements. You might say, “I understand that you’re mad because you can’t go to the concert” or “What I am hearing is that you think your curfew is too strict. ”
For example, if they were mumbling, you can say, “Would you mind saying that a little louder?” Ask them to reframe rude questions as polite ones. For example, you might say, “Can you ask for the computer in a more polite manner?”
You might say something like, “If I hear you talk to me like that again tonight, you don’t get to watch TV. ” Another thing you might say is, “If you keep swearing like that, you will have to pay a dollar to the swear jar every time you curse. "
You can say, “I’m not going to talk to you right now. We’ll talk later when you’ve calmed down. ” Alternatively, if your teen walks away from the conversation, don’t follow them. Give them some time to cool down.
You might try to remember how you felt as a teenager. This can help you empathize with your teen.
You might say, “Are you feeling better? I want us to discuss what happened earlier. "
You might say something like, “I know that you really wanted to go on that school trip, but my answer is still no. " Refer back to your house rules if possible. For example, you might say, “I know you said you were sorry, but you know the rules. You’re not supposed to swear in the house. "
For example, you might say, “Next time, if you really want to hang out with your friends, do your homework first and then come ask me politely. ” Alternatively, you might set conditions for a new rule. For example, you might say, “If you want me to extend your curfew, you’ll have to show me that you can follow the current one. If you can do this for a whole month, I’ll consider changing it. "
For example, if your teen is playing a video game and talks back when you are trying to have a conversation with them, you could forbid them from playing games for a day or 2. If your teen is swearing or using abusive language towards you, consider grounding them for a week.
Have periodic chats with your teenager about the house rules. If they have shown responsibility or mature decisions recently, consider relaxing the rules to give them more independence. Don’t enforce the same rules on a teenager that you did when they were children. For example, if their curfew was sunset as a 10-year old, you may want to change it to 8 pm for a 13-year old or 10 pm for a 16-year old.
For example, you might say, “Thank you for asking me before dyeing your hair. It’s a good idea to get other people’s opinions before going through with such a big change. ” Alternatively, you might say, “I’m glad you called me instead of trying to walk home alone. I will always come and get you if you’re stuck at night. ”
A good way to do this is to set aside time everyday to talk with your teen. Tell your teen that they can talk about anything and you will listen. Try not to interrupt them as they talk. Listening can help build trust between you and your teen. It will also encourage them to come to you with their problems. Whenever your teen comes to you and asks for help without resorting to backtalk, help them solve their problems.
