Have this conversation at a time that is good for both of you. You should be able to have a calm conversation in private without feeling rushed or threatened. Begin by asking questions. You can ask your spouse something like, “How do you feel about your relationship with your mother lately?” This can open up the conversation without you expressing judgements of your spouse’s mother. If your spouse doesn’t see their mother as having any problems, this could lead to marital problems down the line. [2] X Research source Be clear with your spouse. Offer examples of the abuse, so they can understand where you’re coming from. You can mention events from a recent visit, or specific comments your mother-in-law has made.
Ask your spouse if they can support your actions even if they don’t want to participate themselves. If you choose to act against your spouse’s wishes, this could lead to serious marital problems. If addressing your mother-in-law’s behavior is extremely important to you, let your spouse know. They might be willing to compromise on their position. If your spouse refuses to address their mother’s behavior, this can be a sign that the abuse is ongoing and will not ever be addressed. In this case, you may need to seek counseling as a couple in order for your relationship to remain healthy.
Most likely, your mother-in-law wants what’s best for your spouse and for your children (if you have any). Remember that this is something you have in common. You might not agree on what’s best, but at least you both have someone you love in common. Take note of any cultural differences. If you and your mother-in-law are from very different cultural backgrounds, this could account for some misunderstandings. Cultural differences are never an excuse for abuse, however.
Your spouse may not feel comfortable role-playing with you. If not, you can ask if they’d be willing to simply listen while you talk out potential scenarios.
You might plan to simply have a talk with your mother-in-law. Decide when and where you will have the talk. Will you both be present? Who will do most of the talking? It can even be a good idea to write down a script so that neither of you is surprised in the moment. You may decide not to confront your mother-in-law, but to simply spend less time with her. Decide together how much time you can agree to spend with her, and in what contexts. Have a backup plan. For example, if she asks why you haven’t made your usual weekly visit, be prepared with an answer that you and your spouse have agreed to. You may decide to be very honest and say, “We don’t feel comfortable with our children spending lots of time with you,” or you could simply say, “We’ve been very busy lately. ” Plan your approach with your spouse.
If your mother-in-law verbally abused your spouse while they were growing up, you may simply want to let her know that you’re aware of this history. You can also say something like, “I understand that this happened in the past. It’s been a difficult thing for us to work through as a couple, but we’re determined to create a healthy environment for ourselves and our family now. " If the abuse is still going on, and you or your children are victims, you can say to your spouse, “I understand that you didn’t have control over this as a child. However, as adults we now have the power to stop this abuse and to protect our children from it. "
Don’t get in the habit of referring to your mother-in-law as “mom” or “mother. ” She is your spouse’s mother, but not yours. Only engage in physical touch you’re comfortable with. There’s no need for a long, drawn-out hug with someone you feel uncomfortable around.
If you have children, make sure your mother-in-law knows and follows your parenting rules. If she refuses, remind her that you are their mother. You can say something like, “I know you have had plenty of experience parenting. However, we do things differently in our house, and I need you to respect that if you’re going to spend time with my children. ” If she says something degrading or hurtful to you, you can say, “I don’t appreciate being spoken to that way. Please stop. ”
You can let your mother-in-law know in advance that you’ll be spending less time with her. She may ask why. It is up to you and your spouse if you want to be fully honest with her. It may be possible to cut down the time you spend with her without having to talk to her about it.
It can be empowering to say this out loud to your mother-in-law. For example, if she tells you that your home is too small and cluttered, you can simply say, “We’re very happy here, actually. You might not approve of our home, but it’s great for our needs. ”
If your mother-in-law was physically or sexually abusive to your spouse growing up, it may be impossible to repair the relationship. Your spouse can let you know how much they’re interested in trying to salvage the relationship. A family therapist can help heal past wounds if the trauma from the abuse is severe. If your mother-in-law is physically abusive to your spouse or anyone in your family, you may need to contact law enforcement. If you suspect or know of any sexual abuse, you need to contact the police immediately.
At a difficult family gathering, you can excuse yourself for a short walk around the block, or to make a phone call to a trusted friend. Before you see your mother-in-law, spend some time by yourself. You can use this time to reflect and relax so that you’ll have an easier time when you do see your mother-in-law. You may need to vent to a friend after spending time with your mother-in-law. Have someone on hand whom you can call if you need to.
If your mother-in-law’s abuse affects your children, moving away can help assure their safety from her. You can choose whether you and your spouse will be honest about the reason for moving or not.
If your spouse can’t admit that their mother is abusive, offer to see a couple’s therapist together before deciding to end the marriage. Leaving a marriage is a big decision that shouldn’t be taken lightly. However, you should never tolerate abuse in order to preserve a marriage.
Even if your spouse doesn’t see the abuse, you may still need to deal with its effects on you. Children can be affected by abuse even if they are not consciously aware of it. Make sure they have someone safe to talk to if they’ve been exposed to abusive behavior.
