For example, if you had her over for dinner and she says, “Well the chicken’s alright, but I would have seasoned it more,” just let it slide. Tell her, “Thanks for the tip!”
Suppose she keeps asking about personal topics, such as why you don’t go to her place of worship or how many exes you have. Tell her, “I’d rather not discuss that topic. Let’s talk about something else. ” If she comes over without calling ahead, tell her, “Now isn’t a good time. We’ve talked about calling ahead to make sure it’s convenient, and you’ll have to come over another time. ”
For instance, if you invite her over for dinner and she tries to take over in the kitchen, say, “Thanks for offering to help, but I can handle it! Have a seat and relax. I don’t like to put company to work!” If she insists on helping, you could give her a simple task to keep her out of the way, like chopping veggies or making the salad. [4] X Research source
Say, “We’ve discussed this before, and I’m not comfortable with the way you continue to interfere with my household. I’ve tried to be cordial, and I want to keep the peace, but this has to stop. ”
For example, say, “I understand you’re close with your mother, and I don’t want to get in the way of that. However, I need boundaries. It’s not okay for her to come over unannounced or criticize my parenting skills. ” Bring up your feelings as soon as possible. You’ll have an easier time handling issues without conflict if you address them sooner rather than later.
Say, “I get that you’re in a tough position. I don’t want you to feel like you have to choose between me and your family. I love you, and these issues shouldn’t drive a wedge between us. ”
For example, your spouse might not mind if she pops in unannounced, and wants her to be a close part of your lives. You could have her over for weekly dinners to satisfy your spouse’s needs, and require her to call ahead before visiting. Compromise with your partner, but make your needs clear. Tell them, “I’m happy that you’re so close with your parents, and I want to support that. But I’m your partner, and I need your support, too. Maintaining our privacy doesn’t mean you can’t have a close relationship with your mother. ”[9] X Research source
Say, “You need to be the one to tell your mother to give us some space. If you ever have an issue with my parents, then I’d need to take the lead. Be assertive but respectful. Tell her that we’re not shutting her out, but we need to set boundaries. ”
Make sure that your spouse takes the lead in enforcing boundaries and responds to their mother before you have to. This may be more effective than you saying something. If your mother-in-law puts you down, your spouse should calmly say, “Please don’t insult Sam like that. When you disrespect my spouse, you disrespect me, and it’s not okay. ” If your partner doesn’t have your back, tell them, “We’re a team, and I’m hurt that you didn’t defend me when your mother insulted me. I don’t want to put you in the middle, but you need to stick up for me. ”
Your spouse could tell her, “You shouldn’t feel like we don’t want to spend time with you. We just prefer that our friends and family call ahead to make sure it’s a convenient time to visit. ”
For example, say, “You can come over for lunch at noon, but Sam and I have to run errands after 3 p. m. ” Meeting on neutral turf is also a good way to prevent in-laws from overstaying their welcome. Instead of having them come over, meet them at a restaurant or park.
For example, suppose you borrow money to pay for something for your child, such as tuition. Your mother-in-law could bring that up when you ask her to stay out of your parenting decisions.
Since they’ve already raised kids, in-laws sometimes don’t respond well to long, detailed lists of instructions. Try quick, relevant guidelines, such as, “Please don’t let the kids watch TV or play video games unless they’ve finished their homework," or “Billy needs to take his allergy medication at 7 p. m. Please make sure he takes it. ” Keep in mind your mother-in-law might not always stick to your parenting style. It’s best to brush off minor issues, such as if she feeds your kids ice cream against your wishes. If you have a disagreement about parenting, make sure the kids aren’t within earshot. Don’t allow your mother-in-law to verbally undermine your authority in front of the kids. Giving her opportunities to watch your kids can help her feel needed. If she feels that she plays an important role, she might back off from trying to take over other aspects of your life. However, if she frequently goes against your wishes when handling the children, then you may not want to have her watch them anymore.
For example, if you’re dropping off your kids at her house, say hello and be cordial, but don’t stick around all afternoon. Say, “Well it’s been nice chatting, but I’ve got to get going. I should be back for the kids around 5. ”
You don’t want your mother-in-law to hear that you’ve been talking about her behind her back. Your siblings-in-law might complain to you about their mother, but it’s wise to avoid contributing the conversation.
