Sometimes, it is better to attend to your most basic needs before trying to resolve relationship conflict. Assess yourself before trying to communicate with your partner. If you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, it may be best to delay the discussion until those needs have been met.
Practicing deep breathing with the 4-7-8 method. Inhale through your nose for 4 counts. Hold the breath for 7 counts, and then release the air through your mouth for 8 counts. Practice mindfulness meditation by attending to the bodily sensations you are experiencing. While deep breathing, try to label what emotion you are feeling and look for sensations that support the emotion (e. g. clenched fists, tight shoulders, etc. ). [5] X Expert Source Liana Georgoulis, PsyDLicensed Psychologist Expert Interview. 6 September 2018. Phone a friend to vent or take your mind off what’s troubling you. Take your dog for a walk. Listen to soothing music.
Grab a pen and pad and freely write about the problem you are having with your partner. Describe in as much detail as you can what you’re thinking, feeling, and wanting to do. Writing out the problem can help you better understand both sides of the disagreement. You can even use your journal as a role-play tool for what you would like to say to your partner after a disagreement. You might start an entry out as “Dear, boyfriend/girlfriend. . . “. The process of writing out what you are feeling can help you clarify your thoughts and decide what to do.
Eliminate distractions—turn off the TV and put your phones on silent. Turn and face your partner. Lean forward towards the person. Make eye contact. Hear your partner’s entire perspective before speaking. Paraphrase what you heard by saying something like “It sounds like you’re saying. . . " Try to empathize by looking for something about your partner’s perspective that you agree with.
Using an “I” statement allows you to take ownership for your own thoughts/feelings and minimizes your partner’s defensiveness. The “X, Y, Z” part helps your partner see specifics. For example, you might say “When you come home(X) and immediately go to bed(Y), I feel very ignored(Z)”. The statement can become even more effective when you start with “Z” or the “I” statement: “I feel very ignored when you come home and immediately go to bed”.
When you bring up past issues, your ability to work through them becomes even more difficult. If this happens, one of you can easily point out, “Hey, sweetheart, let’s not bring up the past. Let’s figure out what can we do about the here and now. Ok?”
Talk about a specific behavior, such as leaving dirty laundry strewn across the floor instead of calling your partner “messy” or a “pig”. Your partner will be much more willing to work on one behavior if you don’t insult who they are as a person in general. [11] X Research source
Research shows that men especially respond better when doing shared tasks like housework or walking the dog. [12] X Research source Once the tense, awkward topic initiation is over, you two can face one another and talk one-on-one.
Humor must be used at the right time–ideally, when you are laughing with the other person and not at her. Research shows that affiliative humor, that is, inside jokes that connect people, is most useful during conflict. [14] X Research source For example, if your girlfriend tends to go to sleep with the TV on, you might joke with her and ask whether she’s still tuning in to her favorite show in her dreams. This joking nature can help her become aware of the issue (leaving the TV on), while keeping the discussion lighthearted.
Demonstrating an understanding that his/her opinions, thoughts, ideas, and beliefs may be different from your own Showing an interest in his/her unique opinions Validating his/her opinions even if you do not agree with them
Once you have hashed out your differences and come to a mutual agreement about an issue, don’t hesitate to turn up the dial on laughter, affection, and warmth. Rejoice in the idea that you successfully overcame conflict.
This would be an option for an issue that one or both of you deems significant to the health of the relationship. One that, if not overcome, can create long-term discord between you. Seeking professional help can equip you with the appropriate communication and problem-solving skills to handle bigger issues that arise in your relationship over time.
