Usually, people are motivated to ignore problems because they want to stay in a relationship and are worried that an argument might disrupt it. People who tend to rely on denial may also have learned it earlier in life, so now it’s just a natural reaction to stress. Someone who’s very attached to their partner may not want to believe they can be abusive or toxic, so they’ll deny that their significant other is responsible for their behavior.
While denial helps handle the shock of a traumatic event, it’s not useful for a relationship because it prevents communication and emotional intimacy. Denial prevents partners from admitting that their relationship needs to be improved on. Even if just one individual is in denial, it negatively impacts the relationship because someone’s experience is being minimized or completely overlooked.
Getting defensive if anyone expresses concern about your relationship. Claiming you’re not unhappy when you really are. Thinking that any negative feeling is irrational or imagined. Fantasizing about what your relationship “could be” like. Waiting years in hopes the dynamic will change. Refusing to listen to anyone’s relationship advice. Believing that the relationship has to stay the way it is. Being extremely stressed but unable to explain why. Feeling drained and used yet resistant to voice that. Experiencing fear to bring up any complaint to your significant other. Forgiving the other partner if they cross boundaries.
You may want to go to a quiet and peaceful place that’s away from your partner so you won’t be influenced by them. Process your emotions in any way that gives you relief—journal to let everything out, cry, or rip paper into little pieces of paper. Name all the emotions and list them out. For example, say, “I’m frustrated, exhausted, and overwhelmed. " Acknowledge how your relationship factors into your feelings. Make a comment like, “These emotions come up every time she criticizes me. ”
Ask yourself what you have to “gain” when you ignore dysfunction. For example, do you think you feel closer to your partner when you claim they’re perfect? Also consider what you think you’ll “lose” if you see red flags. For instance, are you worried that you’ll have “wasted” years of your life if you accept that your partner undervalued you? What limiting beliefs did you develop during the relationship? Have you felt that you needed to be optimistic no matter what happens in order to be a good partner?
If your partner faces personal crises, like addiction or anger issues, encourage them to seek help. Remember that they must go on their own healing journey. If you’re a “people pleaser” or a “fixer,” you may be in a codependent relationship where you put your partner’s needs above your own. Healthy relationships develop when you separate your partner’s actions and behavior from your own and hold yourselves accountable. [8] X Expert Source Lisa ShieldDating Coach Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.
Think about values that are important to you, like acceptance or patience. Consider what you miss out on if you deny a problem. For example, maybe you aren’t able to enjoy affection because your partner has been distant. Tell yourself what you need with a comment like, “Instead of waiting for empathy years from now, I want him to express concern whenever I share my feelings. ”
Discuss whether they’ve noticed any physical or psychological changes. For example, maybe you’ve eaten less or you’ve withdrawn from your friends lately. Talk about whether you’ve had a habit of glossing over or minimizing issues in the past. Let your support group know that you’re ready for input now. Listen to their perspective on a healthier dynamic. Maybe they think you should make less excuses for your partner or make more time for yourself.
Start with “I” statements like, “I’d like to talk about some of my concerns. I’d really appreciate a chance to unpack our relationship. ” Bring up behavior that impacts you. For example, say, “When you’re gone throughout the week without telling me where you are, I feel anxious. ” Talk about solutions. Suggest one with a comment like, “If we stay in touch and are transparent about our schedules, I believe it will tighten our bond. ”
For example, say, “I haven’t slept well because I feel you’re avoiding me. Now, I can’t be my best, most energetic self. If this continues, I see us drifting apart. ” Describe a better future you’ll have if you resolve the conflict. You might say, “If we talk about feelings right away, we’ll have strong communication as a couple. ”
When you practice self-care, you remain resilient. That way, you can handle the ups and downs of a partnership instead of avoiding problems. Taking your own emotional, mental, and physical health into account is also important in case your partner isn’t available to talk or process conflicts. When you both address your own needs, you can have a secure relationship instead of a codependent one where someone makes too many sacrifices.
A therapist may talk about how to replace old ways to cope. For example, instead of using blame to avoid guilt, they may suggest accepting accountability. Couples counseling is also effective because you’ll both have a chance to be heard. That way, neither of you are likely to feel ignored. Mental health professionals are familiar with codependency and can provide expertise about how to break free of people-pleasing or one-sided relationships.
