Recognize that what is happening is not your fault. Put more appropriate emotional distance between yourself and your abusive parents. Take control of your own reactions to the situation. Understand why your parents behave the way they do and recognize that this behavior comes from them, not from you. Get the help that you need to cope with the abuse and start to feel better.
Many abusive parents don’t even realize their actions are hurtful. They may not know a better style of parenting, or they may not realize that taking out their emotions on their child is abusive. Even if your parent has good intentions, they can still be abusive.
For example, if your dad says, “You’re such a loser. I swear, you can’t do anything right,” this is verbal abuse. Your parent may do this in isolation or in front of others, causing you to feel bad about yourself.
People who engage in this type of abuse often treat their victims like inferiors who are incapable of making good choices or taking responsibility for themselves. [3] X Research source Your parent may try to make decisions for you. For instance, your mom might visit your high school and ask your guidance counselor about a college you didn’t want to apply to. Your parent may feel strongly that they are just “parenting,” but this is abusive.
For instance, if your mother blames you for being born because she had to abandon her singing career, she is blaming you for something that wasn’t your fault. If your parents say their marriage fell apart “because of the kids,” that’s blaming you for their inability to cope. Blaming someone for things they didn’t do is an abusive technique.
Does your parent ignore you when you’ve done something to upset them, show little interest in your activities and emotions, or try to play it off as your fault when they distance themselves from you?[5] X Research source Love and affection aren’t things you should have to bargain for. This is abusive.
Some signs of egocentric parenting include disrespecting your boundaries, trying to manipulate you into doing what they believe is “best,” and getting upset when you don’t live up to their unrealistic expectations for you. [6] X Research source They are also often very uncomfortable with you having attention and will try to make everything about themselves. For example, your single parent may guilt-trip you by saying, “Well, I know you had a party to go to with your friends, but I’m so lonely here. You are always leaving me. " This guilt-trip is a form of abuse.
In general, you can tell whether a parenting style is disciplining versus abuse from the level of anger exhibited by your parent. It’s common for your parent to get angry or frustrated in the moment when you do something that breaks the rules. However, when anger is driving the behavior or punishment, your parent is in the danger zone of abuse. Abuse involves words or actions that are done recklessly, knowingly, and with the intent to harm. [7] X Research source Although you may not like strict disciplining, understand that parents enforce guidelines and set consequences to protect you and steer you towards positive development. Don’t use profanity. Even if your parents use cuss words at you, it’s best to not copy it. You can try taking a look at some of your peers who have good relationships with their parents. What are those relationships like? What kind of support and discipline do they receive from their parents?
For instance, you might say, “I know this may come as a shock to you, but my home life is pretty bad. My mom talks down to me and tells me I won’t be anything when I’m older. It’s mainly words, but it makes me feel bad about myself. " Keep in mind that emotional abuse often involves people brainwashing you into believing that no one will care, believe you, or take you seriously. However, you will likely be surprised by how much support you receive when you share with other people.
You might feel awkward or embarrassed about telling an adult what’s going on, but it’s very important to let other people know if you’re being abused. Start by saying something like, “I’ve been having some problems at home lately. Can I talk to you about it?” Or, you could write about how you are feeling and give them a note if that feels more comfortable to you. If you told a teacher or a coach and they did not help, schedule a meeting with your school counselor (if your school has one) and alert this person. [10] X Research source If you don’t want to tell someone about the abuse in person, you can call a help line at 1-800-4-A-CHILD. This help line is free, confidential, and open 24 hours a day.
Look for a therapist who specializes in children or adults who are suffering abuse. During therapy you will share about your experiences as you become comfortable with the therapist. The therapist will ask questions and offer insights to help guide your sessions. If you are a kid, find out if your school offers counseling services, or ask a trusted teacher or administrator to help you connect with a counselor. If you’re able to talk to a school counselor, you could say, “There have been problems at my house. My dad doesn’t actually hit me, but he calls me names and puts me down in front of other family members. Can you please help me?” If you are an adult, check to see what your health insurance will cover. Many therapists accept out-of-pocket payments on a sliding scale.
If you live away from home, stop coming over or calling if they abuse you. If you live with them, retreat to your room or go to a friend’s house if they are yelling at you or insulting you. Set limits if you do stay in touch. Say, “I will call you once a week, but I will hang up if you say cruel things to me. " Keep in mind that you do not need to get involved in an argument if you do not want to. You don’t have to respond to what they say or try to defend yourself in any way.
Get an education if you can. You might look into how you can apply for federal student loans without your parents. This usually requires some type of documentation from a mental health professional stating that your parents were abusive. Move out as soon as you are financially able. If you can’t afford to get through college without living with or relying on abusive parents financially, make sure to take care of yourself and draw boundaries.
You don’t owe a debt of care to those who have abused you. You may struggle with feelings of guilt if you have to cut ties, but remember that you made this difficult choice for a good reason. If community members do not understand why you have cut ties with your parents, you don’t owe an explanation. If you decide to become your parents’ caregiver at some point, focus your discussions only on their care. If they become verbally abusive or insulting, then leave right away to make it clear that you will not tolerate this type of behavior.
You can end the conversation by saying, “We don’t talk to Eli that way. If you have an issue with the way he eats, you can talk to me about it. " Although most adult conversations should be conducted in private, it is important for your children to see and hear you protect them in the case of abuse. Your children will likely have a happier childhood if they are not subjected to abuse by their grandparents. Protecting your children also means not following your parents’ example. There are plenty of positive parenting examples in the media and (hopefully) your coparent’s family.
For instance, if your mother always yells at you when she has been drinking, try to get out of the house as soon as you see her with a bottle. If your father tries to diminish your accomplishments when you’ve achieved something, refrain from telling him about your successes. Instead, tell people who support you.
Although it is smart to protect yourself from the abuse, you also need to recognize that it’s not your fault if you do get caught in it. No matter what you say or do, it is no excuse for a parent to abuse you emotionally.
A safety plan involves having a place to go that is secure, having someone to call for help, and knowing how to take legal action against your parent if it comes to that. You might sit down with another adult, like your school counselor, and put together a plan that helps you feel prepared in case of a crisis. [13] X Trustworthy Source National Domestic Violence Hotline Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse Go to source A safety plan may also involve keeping your cell phone charged and nearby at all times and your car keys on you.
You can also build your self-esteem by participating in activities that you are good at. Take part in a sport or youth group at school or in your community. This will serve double-duty by making you feel better about yourself and getting you out of the house more.
When you explain your boundaries, decide what the consequences will be if your parent ignores them. Certain kinds of abusers may not respect your personal limits. If this happens to you, don’t feel guilty about following through with your consequences. [16] X Research source It is important to follow through with your consequences because making empty threats will only make you seem less credible to the abuser. For example, you might say, “Mom, if you come home drunk and start bullying me again, I will go and live with Grandma. I want to stay with you, but your behavior frightens me. ”
Healthy stress management habits like meditation, deep breathing, and yoga can help you feel calmer and more collected on a day-to-day basis. If your symptoms are severe, seeing a therapist can be a good way to learn how to manage your stress and other emotions. [17] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
Consider what you like about yourself–are you a good listener? Generous? Intelligent? Focus on the things you like about yourself, and remind yourself that you are worthy of love, respect, and care. [18] X Research source Be sure to engage in activities you are passionate about and/or good at to help boost your self-esteem and confidence.
