Give carefully in your relationships. You should not give someone a heavy amount of time or consideration if they consistently violate your boundaries, blow you off, or otherwise disrespect you. Fake friends tend to engage in these behaviors. You are not required to respect someone who does not respect you. If a fake friend is difficult to make plans or spend time with, it’s okay to disengage. You can still be around this person, especially if you have to in groups, but it’s okay to stop reaching out on a one-to-one level or engaging this friend’s drama. You should focus your emotional energy on true friends. Try to surround yourself with people who have the same values as you. [2] X Expert Source Nancy Lin, PhDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 27 May 2021.
If your friend Samantha consistently gives backhanded compliments or subtly puts you down, expect as much when you’re getting drinks with her. Say to yourself, “This is just how Samantha is. " Try not to want too much from this person. If you were invested in the relationship, and it turned out to be fake, this can be a major letdown. However, it’s important you accept you cannot rely on this person for your emotional fulfillment or wellbeing.
You should periodically take stock of a fake friend’s behavior. Ask yourself if their behavior has made you more uncomfortable or stressed lately. Has this friend been getting increasingly difficult to deal with? Is this person creating more drama for you and your other friends? Friendships do change over time. It’s possible a fake friend will change over a long period of time. Fake friends can turn into true friends over time. It’s important to take stock of any changes in your relationship. If you feel someone is becoming a better friend, you may be able to continue to have this person in your life.
An unacceptable behavior might be splurging a secret that you shared in confidence. [6] X Expert Source Nancy Lin, PhDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 27 May 2021. If you continually experience arguments with this person that are not resolved, they may be seriously violating your boundaries. A fake friend may negate how you feel regarding their treatment, and insist you’re being hypersensitive. You should also not tolerate any behavior that makes you feel tense, anxious, or uncomfortable. Behaviors that hurt your self-esteem or sense of self-worth are also unacceptable.
Bullies tend to have very low self-esteem. Therefore, they seek out people to dump their insecurities and frustrations on. If a friend is becoming a bully, he or she will be increasingly critical of you. He or she may also become temperamental and consistently say and do things that hurt your feelings. It can be hard to tell when someone has crossed the line into bullying, but it’s important to be vigilant. Bullies can do great damage to self-esteem over time. Pay attention to how someone treats you. If they repetitively violate your boundaries and do not offer an apology, this person is probably bullying you. These kinds of relationships are usually best severed.
A friend should make you feel consistently happy. Friends should be exciting to be around and should always be kind and respectful of your boundaries. Unlike fake friends, friends value you simply for being the person you are. They do not expect you to be anyone you’re not. Friends may offer constructive feedback on occasion, or let you know when they’re worried or concerned about your behavior. Unlike fake friends, however, friends do not actively want you to feel bad. They just want what’s best for you and always speak out of genuine concern for your wellbeing.
A codependent friend will rarely be directly assertive. In fact, they may often agree to do what you want to do. However, later on there will be consequences for their compliance. They may complain later about disliking the things you did together and may begin to make increasingly unreasonable demands during social events. A codependent friend will have difficulty accepting responsibility for their actions. They may lash out at you or deny culpability if you call them out on the ways they hurt you. If you’re in a codependent relationship, you need to strongly consider whether this relationship is worth your time. Codependent relationships can be exhausting and, in the long run, damaging.
Fake friends can be particularly savvy at emotional blackmail, as they may hide negative comments under the guise of compliments. For example, you may do something your friend dislikes and he or she may say, “I really thought you were better than that. I can’t believe you of all people would engage in that kind of behavior. " Emotional blackmailers may also threaten you with anger or warnings if you don’t behave the way they want. For example, your friend may say something like, “I don’t know what I’ll do if you don’t come to this party with me. Your rejection may sting so much I’ll end up drinking too much. " Emotional blackmailers try to make you feel like you are responsible for their behavior. If someone is blackmailing you emotionally, do not engage. End conversations that are manipulative in nature and refuse to return texts or emails attempting to blackmail you.
What makes you feel comfortable in a relationship? What do you look for when seeking out a friend? Is it shared interests, kindness, compassion? Does this person meet those qualities? Does this person violate your boundaries? Are they not concerned with you and your emotional wellbeing? You may need someone in your life capable of more compassion than a fake friend. Setting boundaries really helps you develop a sense of self-compassion and self-worth. [12] X Expert Source Nancy Lin, PhDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 27 May 2021.
Think about the effect this relationship has had on your self-esteem. Do you feel worse about yourself when you’re around this person? Have you internalized some of their criticisms and complaints about you? Do you ever actually want to see this person anymore? You may be hanging out due to a sense of obligation. You may also find yourself feeling tense going into meetings with this person. If this is the case, this may be a fake friendship.
While it may feel cold, it may be easier to send a text or email. This can be especially helpful if the person in question is stressful to be around. You do not have to be caustic or lay out a list of grievances. A simple email should be sufficient. Try saying something like, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think this friendship is really working for either one of us. " Keep your emotions in check. Even if you’re right to feel you were being treated poorly, blaming can escalate the situation. You want to get out with as clean a break as possible and avoid unnecessary drama and animosity.
