Recognize your anger. It’s important to acknowledge how you’re feeling if you hope to move away from those feelings. [2] X Research source When you speak or act out of anger, you’re likely to say or do something equally hurtful to your friend. Being aware of your thoughts and feelings can help you avoid a heated exchange.
Speaking/acting out of anger can also lead to damaging arguments. Remember that you cannot take back what you say in a moment of anger, but you can choose whether or not to speak in the moment. Let your friend know that you’re going for a walk to calm down, but will return. Otherwise your friend may think you’re simply leaving abruptly and grow concerned. Only walk if it is safe to do so. Don’t try walking near a highway, for example, or any place that does not have a sidewalk or car-free path.
Use deep breathing. Take deep breaths through your diaphragm (under your rib cage) instead of shallow breathing through your chest to establish a slower, more calming breathing pattern. [4] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source Think about something calming or enjoyable to take your focus away from the feelings of frustration. Repeat calming phrases to yourself, like “Breathing in will calm me down” or “This will not matter in six months,” to help you move away from feelings of anger and resentment. [5] X Research source
Make sure you are completely calm when you sit down with your friend to discuss the incident. Tell your friend that what he said was hurtful. Don’t use declarative, absolute statements. Instead use “I” statements, such as “I felt really insulted when you said that about me” or “I felt like you were being very disrespectful by saying that. "
character assassinations - generalizations used to depict or define someone as always being bad/undesirable threats of abandonment - using hurtful, threatening statements to imply disinterest or abandonment in order to make someone else feel worthless invalidations - generalizations used to invalidate someone else’s thoughts, feelings, or beliefs threats of exile - telling someone else directly that you do not want them in your life (similar to threats of abandonment, but even more damaging/insulting) hostile challenges - questioning someone else’s ability to think, feel, or behave in a given way (including excessive and frequent sarcasm) preaching - attempting to use an absolute, unquestionable source/hierarchy to prove a point and put someone else down[9] X Research source
Assess your surroundings. If there’s a chance your friend might resort to physical acts of violence, or if others may join him against you, do not confront him then and there. [10] X Research source Recognize that repeated incidents of hurtful behavior scar your relationship, and the more often it happens the worse you’ll feel towards the other person. [11] X Research source Ask your friend how he would feel if someone he values (for example, his parents, his spiritual leader, etc. ) were to see him engaging in his current behavior. Would he be embarrassed? Point out other times that your friend has engaged in this hurtful behavior, preferably once he’s calmed down. Let him know that you see it as a pattern of bad behavior, and that he needs to change if he wants to remain friends. If it happens again, remind your friend that you’ve talked to him about his behavior. Let him know that you won’t passively condone his behavior, and tell him that as his friend you need him to address these issues.
Give your friend a chance to explain himself, and be open to what he has to say. [12] X Expert Source Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCCMarriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 7 August 2019. Your friend may have spoken from a place of pain, and probably didn’t mean what he said. Or it’s possible that it was a complete misunderstanding, and that your friend didn’t intend his words to be taken that way to begin with. Let your friend process what you’ve said, give his own response, and trust that he will change his behavior going forward. [13] X Research source
Give your friend the benefit of the doubt, and try not to hold any anger towards him. Don’t ignore hurtful comments/actions, but address them calmly and compassionately. Remember that many people who hurt others do so because they themselves are hurting or frightened. When you keep that in perspective, it’s easier to feel bad for someone who’s hurt you.
Unless your friend did something devastating or life-shattering (like an act of physical violence or real emotional abuse), you may want to consider reconciling with your friend. Recognize symptoms of emotional abuse: if your friend swears/yells at you, bullies you, degrades you, threatens you, or controls you, he is engaging in emotional abuse. You should not stand to be emotionally abused by anyone, especially not a friend or partner. [17] X Trustworthy Source University of Rochester Medical Center Leading academic medical center in the U. S. focused on clinical care and research Go to source If your friend engages in or threatens you with acts of violence, stay away from him, as he may be dangerous. If you truly believe that your friend will not be able to correct his behavior, and that he will continue to hurt you without regard for your feelings, you may need to think about ending the friendship. Give this decision time. Just as you avoided speaking in the heat of the moment, you should give yourself a few days before saying anything if you’re thinking about ending the friendship. Avoiding your friend for a few days may be enough for you to realize that you value his friendship and want to make amends. Give it time, and talk over your plan with a trusted friend or relative before talking to the friend who hurt you.
Think about the objective facts of the situation. Don’t take your feelings into account, just think about what was actually said or done, and what your friend’s intentions might have been. Reflect on how you reacted. Did you handle it well? Did you manage your feelings as well as you could have and avoid escalating the conflict? Think about any ways the conflict may have affected your life. This can include your sense of self esteem and wellbeing.
When you make the decision to stop reliving the past and rehashing the details of your pain, you can begin to heal from the hurtful experience. Making a conscious decision to let go of hurt feelings can give you a feeling of control. It can help you recognize that you have a choice over what controls your life.
Seeing yourself as a victim can maintain your status as a victim. Your friend (or former friend, as the case may be) will remain a dominating presence in your mind and in your life. Once you stop defining your life by how you were hurt, you’ll begin to feel better about your situation and your life in general. This can take time, of course, but it’s well worth it.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to forget. It does, however, mean that you need to stop holding on to feelings of anger and resentment. Forgiveness is the next logical step after choosing to let go of your hurt and your sense of victimhood. Without forgiveness, you may never fully let go of the pain. Forgiving your friend also requires you to forgive yourself. If you had any part in the incident, or if you ended up saying something out of anger, you need to let that go as well. Once you’ve forgiven everyone involved, you’ll be free to truly move on. Whether you continue the friendship or not, with time you will move past the painful experience completely.
