For example, if your guilt is from spreading rumors about a co-worker so that you will get a promotion in their place, you’ll feel proportionate guilt. If you simply got this promotion for being more qualified and feel guilty anyway, then you are dealing with disproportionate guilt.
Acknowledgement of the actual hurt caused without exaggerating or minimizing what happened. Addressing the degree to which you were responsible for this harm – there may have been something you could have done differently, but you may not be responsible for everything. Overestimating your responsibility can prolong guilt longer than necessary. Understanding your state of mind at the time of the harmful action(s) Dialogue with the other(s) who were negatively impacted by your actions. A heartfelt apology can go a long way. It is important that you and the other(s) know that you are aware of the damage done and are clear on what actions will be taken (if any) over and above apologizing.
If apologizing is how you’ll make amends, try to avoid justifying what you did or pointing out the parts of the situation that you were not responsible for. Simply recognize the others’ pain without the distraction of extra explanations or attempts to revisit the details of the situation. It may be much easier to apologize for an offhanded remark that caused some pain. But when the behavior has spanned some time, say you ignored your partner’s distress about your relationship for years, it will take more honesty and humility.
How did you feel about yourself and everyone involved leading up to, during, and after the situation? What were your needs at that time, and were they being met? If not, why not? Did you have motives for this action? What or who was the catalyst for this behavior? What are the standards of judgment in this situation? Are they your own values, your parents’, your friends’, your spouse’s, or coming from an institution like the law? Are these appropriate standards of judgment, and if so, how do you know?
Another benefit of using a journal to deal with guilt is being able to keep track of your feelings to show yourself how quickly guilt can diminish once we attend to it. [9] X Research source Vangelisti, Anita L. , and Rhonda J. Sprague. “Guilt and hurt: Similarities, distinctions, and conversational strategies. " (1998). Especially important is making note of how making amends and repairing the situation has changed them. This will help you take pride in your progress and in the legitimate ways that you have used guilt positively.
Doing better than someone (survivor’s guilt). Feeling that you didn’t do enough to help someone. Something that you only think you did. Something you didn’t do but that you want to do. Take the example of feeling guilty for getting a promotion. If you spread nasty rumors about a co-worker in order to get it, this guilt is indeed warranted or proportionate to the action. But, if you simply got this promotion from having earned it and feel guilty anyway, then you are dealing with disproportionate guilt. This type of guilt serves no rational purpose. [12] X Research source
Also helpful is to consider that you are not to blame for things you regret not doing, since you could not possibly have known then what you know now. You likely made the best judgment available to you at the time. Remind yourself that you’re not to blame for surviving a tragedy that someone else, even someone close to you did not. Recognize that you are not ultimately responsible for other people. Even if you have a great deal of love and concern for those in your life, they are charged with stepping up to ensure their own well-being (as you are with yours).
This also involves acknowledging the your right to protect and stand up for your own self-interests. Since we often feel guilty for not bending over backwards for others or sacrificing something we hold dear (like free time or our own space), this is a crucial part of overcoming guilt. [15] X Research source Remind yourself to accept that people’s interests may conflict, and that this is natural. No one is at fault for earnestly seeking to fulfill their own needs.
To avoid this type of guilt, be more aware of situations when it is truly you who must step in. Being discerning about the moments you offer help will give you a healthier sense of how much responsibility you have for others, diminishing guilt automatically. It will also improve the quality of your help, making you more aware of the good you are doing rather than what other things you could be doing.
It can also be helpful to maintain close contact with loved ones who accept you as you are and display unconditional compassion for you. By seeing others treat you this way, it will be easier to develop this attitude toward yourself. However, you are responsible for self-acceptance and self-compassion, and this can be done with or without help.
A therapist may also work with a family member to help resolve issues of guilt and anger that can at times affect the entire family.
