What is this relative saying? Complaining is a typical sign of passive-aggressive behavior. For example, complaints about being unappreciated and about their own misfortunes tend to be commonplace. What is this relative doing? On the one hand, the relative seems to agree with you, then lo and behold, you discovered he or she went and did things completely the opposite! How does the relative respond to new information or to the choices that you (or your siblings, cousins, etc. ) have made in your life? Feigning disinterest or even outright ignoring the news, or criticizing or scorning your achievements under layers of “wit”, sarcasm or joke cracking can be a sign of passive aggressive behavior. The passive aggressive person tends to distrust the success of others and will do a lot to downplay it or suggest that the success was a result of luck or cheating, rather than accepting that someone might have worked hard for it. It’ll all be done very subtly though, so don’t expect outright scorn. Does your relative express disapproval or withhold positive reinforcement? The inability to give praise or acknowledge a job well done is a sign of resentment, a key underpinning of passive aggressive behavior. Have you noticed the relative making snide comments but then acting as if he or she never said such a thing? Or even going so far as to accuse you of misinterpreting what has been said? Is your relative being argumentative over almost everything you say or suggest? A lot of “back chat” which insists that they have things worse, know better or shine brighter can make for a very negative pattern. For example, saying such things as: “No, no, no, that’s not the case” or “Well, in my experience, that never happens” or “In my day we didn’t even have that sort of chance and had to work hard for our supper”, etc. Does your relative go on and on about how fortunate other people are and how unfortunate he or she is? Does this person use the dreaded words “if only. . . “, then goes on to explain all that he or she could have done in life if all the stars had aligned correctly? In listening to this type of talk, it can soon feel that this person has an inability to accept that he or she has no responsibility for making beneficial changes in life.
Why is the person acting this way? Is it possible that Aunt Flo wanted desperately to be a prima ballerina in her younger years but was too poor and married too young to achieve this ambition, only to see a grandchild doing really well at ballet? Maybe Uncle Georgy wanted to be an astronaut but found studying the needed subjects too arduous, only to find years later that a nephew has been accepted to NASA. These are not excuses, they are ways of understanding the narrative that the relative has built their current reality on. Do you think there is an understandable reason behind why your relative might not approve of something that is important to you? In some cases, a passive aggressive person is self-protecting initially from a bad experience but then projects this bad experience on loved ones in the hope of protecting them from a possible bad experience too. It can help to see that a gruff, scolding or nasty comment about your choices being wrong might well be coming from a place of care for you, however misplaced on their own personal bad experience. In some cases, the passive aggressive relative is seeking to control you, the situation, the family, etc. This person may feel that his or her place in the family is somehow threatened and that by being passive aggressive, a covert attempt is made to restore the relative’s power over others. There may even be a sense of satisfaction in knowing that their words or behavior causes another distress or second thoughts. Another possible motive for passive aggressive behavior is simple jealousy. As with Aunt Flo and Uncle Georgy above, seeing someone else achieve in ways that the relative feels he or she has failed can be devastating and may even self-confirming of long-term failure to pursue dreams. In this case, resentment, bitterness and spite will likely fuel the motive behind the passive aggressive behavior.
Tell yourself something like: “Granny is being passive aggressive again. I love her heaps but I won’t let her mess with my head like this anymore. She is bitter about X but that won’t impede me from doing what I have set out to do”. Or, “Jon is being unfair and is trying to sabotage me by saying those things. I know he’s behaving passive aggressively and if I get upset, he’ll get what he wants. It won’t change anything to worry or get annoyed about him. Instead, I’ll either ignore the remarks or stand up for myself. " Above all, stay calm. It can be easy to feel agitated or upset but this makes it likely that your response will be emotionally driven rather than calmly considered. Being calm will unnerve the passive aggressive person. Try to keep your emotional guard up, especially around people who are frequently passive aggressive. [4] X Expert Source Steven Hesky, PhDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 2 September 2021.
Putting the person on the spot may prevent them from making passive aggressive comments in the future. Usually, these types of people like to stay under the radar. [7] X Expert Source Steven Hesky, PhDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 2 September 2021.
Often, this is enough to encourage an open explanation or an apology, even if it is put forth in a gruff manner (i. e. “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, I just worry about your finances or your future/etc. “, or “You know I love you, I don’t have to say that all the time!”). Follow up with “I’m really glad you told me that” or something similar. This is a high-pressure situation for him or her, so appreciate the little steps your relative is taking.
Always stick to facts. If necessary, keep a record in a small notebook, along with dates and the context. Be a broken record. If the relative tries to twist facts, deny things said or done, or blame another, simply reiterate what you know to be the case and what behavior you prefer. If needed, learn to be more assertive. Help can be found in such articles as How to be assertive and How to go from passive to assertive.
If you’re able to, try to keep your distance from this relative in the future. [10] X Expert Source Steven Hesky, PhDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 2 September 2021.
