Start with your feelings. That is, use an “I” statement to describe how you’re feeling instead of a “you” statement that puts the blame on them. Blaming someone will put them on the defense. For instance, don’t say, " You always treat me like a little kid. " Instead, say “I feel upset when you still treat me like a child. I’ve grown up. " Be specific by talking about particular statements or behaviors that bother you. For example, you could say, “I love that you help with the kids, but I don’t like when you contradict the rules that I’ve made. " You could also say, “I respect your rules when I’m in your house, but I don’t like being asked where I am every second of every day. " Ask what their concerns are for you. For instance, if someone is criticizing you, try saying, “What is it you want to help me learn?"[2] X Expert Source Peggy Rios, PhDCounseling Psychologist (Florida) Expert Interview. 18 December 2020.
You could say, “Mom, I need to tell you something, but I want you to promise me that you won’t offer your judgment at the end. I feel like you need to know this information, but I don’t want advice on my choices. "
This type of power struggle can make people defensive. You probably feel defensive when another adult in your family, whether it be a parent, aunt, guardian, or grandparent, does it to you. However, by truly listening and letting go of the power struggle, you can cut through some of that defensiveness and both parties can feel more heard and valued.
For instance, say your parents tend to just show up at your house unannounced. You could say, “We love having you here, but we’d appreciate it if you gave us some advanced notice. Sometimes, we have our family time planned, and we need that time to strengthen and grow together. " Another way you could address an issue is to say, “I understand that you are concerned about when we’re having children. However, it may be some time before we decide to do so. I will definitely let you know when we’re thinking about it. Until then, I would appreciate it if you stop asking about it. "
Partly, that means that you are upfront about things. Don’t lie by saying you’re going to the library when you’re going to your friend’s house. Don’t fib about how much homework you have. Every lie, no matter how small, cuts down on how much your parents trust you. It also means opening up about your life. If you can talk about what you’re thinking and feeling with your parents, that can help them see how you’ve matured and what your priorities are.
Ask the person or persons for a good time to talk. When you sit down, just get it out in the open. Say something like, “Sometimes, I feel like you don’t trust me. I’ve grown up a lot in the last few years, and I feel like you still think I’m a little kid. " Ask what you can do to earn their trust. They may have specific guidelines you need to follow before they really trust you.
For instance, when you have a curfew, make sure to be home on time. Make sure to do what chores they’ve laid out for you and your homework. If you want to be treated older, you need to realize that comes with responsibilities.
Make sure you follow through when you say you’re going to do something. It can also help to take on responsibilities without being asked. Do the dishes without your mother nagging you, mow the lawn before your dad has a chance to, get your homework done, brush your teeth and shower without being asked, and take any medications or vitamins on time. This will help show your parents that you’ll be able to be responsible for yourself once you’re on your own, which may help them stop treating you like a child. [10] X Expert Source Peggy Rios, PhDCounseling Psychologist (Florida) Expert Interview. 18 December 2020.
Sometimes, just taking a break can help calm you down. If you feel yourself getting angry, ask the person you’re talking to if you can take a few minutes for yourself to calm down before you move on with the conversation. You can also channel your feelings. Put those feelings into your art or writing instead of into yelling at other people.
Start by acknowledging what you did wrong. “I know going out last night without your permission was wrong. I know you just worry about me and want to be safe. " Apologize without trying to explain away your actions. For instance, say “I’m sorry for doing that. " NOT “I’m sorry for doing that, but I was just so mad you wouldn’t let me go to the party. " Be sincere. People know when you’re not being sincere. Make sure you can be sincere when you offer your apology.
Listening to what the other person is trying to convey and then helping them know that you’ve truly heard that can open the door to more fruitful conversations. One way you can show you’re listening is to ask insightful questions that are relevant to what the other person is saying. You can also nod and use your body language to show you are hearing what the other person is saying.
When you find you’re being treated like a child, try to take a step back. Take a deep breath and ask yourself if what they’re saying has some merit or if it’s more about the other person’s strengths and weaknesses.
Try to push for communication in person. That way, you’re less likely to misinterpret the person’s tone.
Be polite and unemotional. Address what you think the issue is without trying to blame the other person. For example, you could say, “I appreciate you explaining that to me, but I already know how to do it. " Another way you could confront the issue is to say, “I don’t like wasting time, and since I already know how to do that, can we move on?” or “Thanks for the email. You’ve explained that to me in the past, so I understand perfectly. "
That means learning the skills you need to learn, even if you must put in extra hours. It also means being on time to work and being on time when turning in your work. In other situations, such as volunteer situations or at school meetings for you kid, you may need to just ignore the person and do what you need to do.
Most of the time, the person probably doesn’t even realize they’re being condescending or treating you like a child. Snapping at them won’t help the situation.
The best way to deal with this type of situation is to ask a question that the person has to directly address, meaning the person needs to talk to you. For example, you could ask, “I understand what you’re saying about the timing belt, but don’t you think my spark plugs also need to be changed? They were last changed 20,000 miles ago. "
For example, when someone says, “You need to make sure you change your oil every 3,000 miles,” you could say, “Just like going in for tune up at the doctor, right?”
