Hold your parents accountable for their words and actions. If they say or do something racist in your presence, try to address it immediately. Ask them to clarify what they meant. Focus on your parents’ words and behavior rather than their character as a whole. Never make it personal. Saying “You’re racist” will only lead to defensiveness and resentment. Instead, try saying “that statement makes a lot of assumptions”, or “saying that lumps every person of one color together”. You will likely face resistance, but if you want your parents to be open to change you need to step up and address the issue at hand. [2] X Research source Let’s say your parents said some racist things about your friend. Start off by saying, “Can we please talk about some of the conversation around the dinner table?” Share what was stated in a tactful way to minimize the chances of your parents going on the defensive. For instance, you could say, “I know you meant well when you stated that Asians are really smart, but it hurt Kyoko’s feelings when you saw her according to her skin color rather than the person she is inside. " Then listen to your parents’ viewpoint. They most likely don’t realize that their statements are hurtful, or perhaps they just don’t know a lot about a different culture. This is your chance to educate your parents and to understand where they’re coming from. You can suggest ways for your parents to converse if they feel uncomfortable with spending time with people from other cultures. Encourage them to ask questions rather than make statements. For instance, they could ask, “Does your family follow traditions from your culture? What traditions do you follow?”
Remember the difference between a “What You Did” conversation and a “What You Are” conversation. In a “What You Did” conversation, you’ll bring up your parents’ specific words and actions and why they were unacceptable to you. A “What You Are” conversation draws conclusions about your parents’ fundamental character based on their actions. Even if you sincerely feel these conclusions are true, it may not be effective to address this. Your parents will resent that you’re speculating on their character instead of focusing on the facts of the conversation at hand. [3] X Research source Remember, just telling your parents they’re racist allows them the opportunity to get off easy. They can easily derail such a conversation by denying that you know their internal character. Even if you’re right, if you want to effectively address their racism, stay in the present moment and focus on specific, immediate actions. [4] X Research source
If your parents do get defensive at the word “racist,” then you can avoid the label and still get your point across. Focus on the behavior and why it was offensive without using the word “racist” to avoid triggering defensiveness in your parents. [6] X Research source Do not allow your parents to derail the conversation. [7] X Research source Even if you frame the issue correctly, you may get responses like, “I’m not racist. " If your parents say this, respond by focusing on the effect the statement has had on a person they spoke with, or the potential effect the statement can have on a person. You might say something like, “What you said made her feel like you don’t see her for who she truly is, but as a stereotype. " There is no easy way to talk about racism. Keep in mind defensiveness is inevitable. Go into the situation expecting your parents to be defensive so you’re not surprised when you’re met with resistance. [8] X Expert Source Allen Wagner, MFT, MAMarriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
Instead of expressing your opinions on the situation as facts, focus on your own feelings. It will be more difficult for your parents to dismantle your claims when you’re speaking in terms of your own worldview. Sentences should begin with “I feel. . . " and go from there. Do not use statements like, “You make me feel. . . " or “It makes me feel. . . " as this is pointing at a cause for your emotion. You want to avoid doing so as it can come off as blaming, which will make your parents feel judged and unwilling to change their ways. Instead of saying, “The way you treated my friend at dinner embarrassed me” say “I feel embarrassed about the interaction between you and my friend at dinner. I think you really hurt her feelings and I felt really upset. " Your parents may be more receptive to this approach. Even if they do not fully understand their underlying racism, they might at least be willing to change for the sake of your feelings. This is a start when it comes to addressing racism. If they ask what they can do differently, say something like, “Please don’t comment on my friend’s appearance anymore. "
Share with your parents the ways that your friends have helped you push your boundaries and helped you gain new perspective. Avoid stereotyping.
The way people of color are portrayed in the media is often subtly racist. Words used to describe people of color, for example, are often riddled with outdated and offensive terminology. This is a phenomenon that does not just occur in hate speech but in well-known publications such as The New York Times. Over time, a person’s perspective can be skewed without their knowing it by the perpetuation of stereotypes in the media. While this does not excuse racism, it can help you better understand your parents. [10] X Research source Oftentimes, people are blind to their own racism. As already discussed, people get very defensive when it comes to discussions of race. Therefore, subtle racism often goes unchecked. Your parents may be unable to see their own racist viewpoints. You can work your best to point out your parents’ racism, but try to understand how subtle racism really is and why it’s so difficult to get people who harbor racist beliefs to change. [11] X Research source For instance, the media often demonizes black victims and can actually appear sympathetic to whites suspected of serious crimes, including mass shootings. [12] X Research source
If your parents try to bait you into an argument, do not engage. Acknowledge their feelings, and promptly move on to another topic. It is very difficult for people to change their ingrained beliefs. Sometimes the best thing you can hope for is that they will eventually evolve to become less racist. Angry words, incrimination, accusations, and withdrawal will be of no avail and will only fuel more resentment. Instead, if you simply tell your parents how much you love them and how much you appreciate everything they’ve done for you, they are more likely to reconsider their beliefs after they’ve had more time. After all, they love you as much as you love them. Also, try to recruit other family members who are more sympathetic to your beliefs, and have a conversation with them to see how they may be able to lend their support.
