This includes avoiding all forms of criticality and defensiveness. Yelling back is just another, readily available way to respond in a reactive rather than a proactive way. Being critical of the yeller or challenging what he/she is saying will provoke them further. Besides, when we are being yelled at we don’t typically think well. This is because we are being put in a state of fear. [1] X Research source
You might decide that escaping the moment is not worth losing your job over, but you may want to open up other options if the yelling seems like a hopelessly recurring phenomenon, or if the person yelling is not important enough to endure. Research has shown that yelling is just as harmful and ineffective when it is done “out of love”. [2] X Research source This means that regardless of the yeller’s intentions, you are being subject to treatment that is never ideal or even appropriate.
If you find yourself silently poking holes in the yeller’s arguments and complaints in your head, allow yourself to do so. This may be your way of showing yourself that you are in control and have the upper hand in the situation. But, be careful that you don’t get so focused on your thoughts that you are unable to observe.
Remember, you are not validating the yeller. You are empathizing in order to see the part of the person you can find compassion for when the time comes to respond. Project peace in any way you can, but do not put on a cheesy show of false serenity. This can further anger the yeller, who might interpret it as teasing or patronizing. A good way to project peace is to express genuine surprise at the attitude the yeller is bringing to you. This way you can show that you are somewhat blind-sighted, while sending hints that the yelling is disturbing.
This will make the ensuing conversation much less likely to erupt into an all-out fight. By making this request you are also showing the yeller that they provoked a strong response, which they likely wanted to do.
For example, a romantic partner might be yelling at you because you forgot to bring the tickets to the concert you planned to attend. When the yelling calms momentarily, tell him or her that you feel threatened and overwhelmed. You can also mention that you noticed passersby looking on with surprise or pity. This will make the partner focus on feelings besides their own. Alternately, you might be yelled at by a boss when there was a mistake sending a client an invoice. Tell your boss that you feel vulnerable and uneasy when his or her tone raises above normal volume, and that it is more difficult to concentrate on your work when you feel like you have to be protecting yourself.
When you are making your request, be specific about what you want. Even if it seems obvious that a gentle speaking voice is preferable to yelling, be clear about how you want to be talked to instead. Being specific, as in the example above, means you won’t say something like “Why won’t you just talk normally?” If you think the yeller is extra sensitive or will take your request personally, buffer your conversation with some positive observations as well. Think about the things that this person brings to the table in other moments and mention how much you appreciate, for example, their willingness to show how passionate they are.
If the yeller is someone you can’t or don’t want to cut ties with, you can bring yourself to making amends by remembering where the yeller is coming from. After all, yelling is ultimately a disgruntled sign of passion and care about something. [7] X Research source Rosenberg, Marshall B. 2003. Nonviolent communication: a language of life. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Press. If you choose to walk out, keep in mind that you may be in for a tense encounter the next time you see the yeller.
In the workplace, your rights to a non-threatening and orderly environment might be obscured by your rank or the attitude you’re expected to maintain. But, even though your superiors may have more rights to assert themselves at work, you always have the right to resist situations where you fear for your well-being. If yelling persists, consult your job’s human resources department or employee guide for specifics policies on resolving inter-employee conflict. [8] X Research source When a romantic partner is yelling at you, it is easy to feel like you must take it out of love or a desire to continue the relationship. However, try to see that yelling is now part of the relationship that you’re trying so hard to sustain. You have the right to express your needs in a relationship, and not feeling threatened or dominated is a pretty basic one.
If the yelling is domestic, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or 800-787-3224 (TDD). The hotline offers help 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in many languages. The staff will give you the phone numbers of local shelters and other resources. [11] X Trustworthy Source US Office on Women’s Health U. S. government agency providing resources for women’s health Go to source
