They create and are surrounded by interpersonal issues. They try to manipulate and control you. They are needy and make strong demands on your attention. They are extremely critical of themselves and other people. They are unwilling to seek help or try to change. They are extremely disrespectful and always seem to get their way.
Shouting at people. Threatening people. Interrogating people with hostile questioning. Regularly using strong, intense language.
Complain endlessly about their lives. Never be satisfied with how you act toward them. Fail to contribute anything positive to the relationship. Feel distrust and unnecessary negativity towards others.
Am I feeling drained right now? Does it seem like the person is draining my emotions? Am I walking on eggshells? Am I afraid to say the wrong thing because they might react negatively? Am I ignoring my own voice? Is the person making it hard for me to listen to myself and follow my own values? Do I feel smaller and less important around this person?
Your own judgment is a good source of information, but sometimes when we get too close to a situation it can be hard to have an unbiased opinion.
Start by listening. Make sure to acknowledge what the person is saying before you counter with your own views. Use “I” statements. A simple way to avoid being too confrontational is to tell people what you’re experiencing rather than what they’re doing wrong. For example, you can say “When you’re late to our coffee dates, I feel like you don’t value my time” rather than “You’re always late and it’s really rude. "
For example, if being late to coffee dates is your pet peeve, let them know. They might have no clue what effect their behavior has on you. If the person is really toxic, this strategy may not work, but it’s good practice for setting boundaries regardless.
Try to figure out where you could use some improvement. Maybe you’re easily intimidated and people tend to step all over you, especially if they have a toxic personality. Identify the problem area as a first step. Reflect on tactics for specific situations. Maybe your toxic friend asks you for money and you have a hard time saying no. What can you do in these situations? Could you rehearse a simple script for the next time they ask? For example, you could say “I care about you, but I’m not able to give you any more money. " Practice responding assertively in your life. You can use techniques like the “broken record,” where you simply repeat yourself if they argue about what you’ve said. Start small if this is difficult for you, such as saying no (when appropriate) to family members or non-toxic friends.
For example, if they make a claim about you, such as “you’re never there for me,” analyze the claim. Is it true? Can you think of examples that prove it wrong? Toxic people often exaggerate and make all-or-nothing claims. [4] X Research source Practice thinking critically about what they say to you.
You might even make a positive impression on them. This is called modeling, or showing people healthier ways to behave than what they’ve traditionally done.
Tune into and act on your feelings. Avoid getting swept up in the emotional turmoil of toxic people. Pay attention to what you feel and need. Give yourself permission to be firm. Many people feel guilty if they have to establish a firm boundary. However, taking care of yourself is also important. Avoid neglecting yourself in favor of others. Learn that saying no doesn’t make you a bad person.
Am I usually the one keeping up communication? Do I often take on the role of “peace keeper”, cleaning up tense and difficult situations? Does it sometimes feel like I am following around this person, handling responsibilities or working behind the scenes to avoid anger or confrontation?
