If your boyfriend suddenly won’t show you affection when the three of you are together, there probably is a problem. If they are really just friends, both your boyfriend and his friend should show you respect. If you can hang out with the two of them and not get any bad vibes, chances are, they are just friends and you have nothing to worry about. [1] X Research source Try to make friends with the female friend, maybe by inviting her over for drinks or dinner so you can get to know her more. [2] X Expert Source Cristina MoraraDating Coach Expert Interview. 29 September 2020. Then, see if you can find any activities that you enjoy doing together. [3] X Expert Source Candice MostisserRelationship Coach Expert Interview. 24 January 2020.
When the two of you spend time together, try to view her from your boyfriend’s eyes. Does she have a fun personality? Does she tell great jokes? Is she a great listener? Give her the benefit of the doubt and don’t immediately look for flaws. If there’s nothing more to their relationship, she should have no problem getting to know you better. It’s a red flag if she seems jealous because you two have very different roles in his life. [4] X Research source If you’d like, ask your boyfriend for a “hint” on something that his friend likes. The next time you hang out, you can bring up that topic as an instant icebreaker![5] X Expert Source Candice MostisserRelationship Coach Expert Interview. 24 January 2020. By spending more time with the girl, you can gain more clarity about your boyfriend’s friendship and maybe even gain a new friend. [6] X Expert Source Cristina MoraraDating Coach Expert Interview. 29 September 2020. [7] X Expert Source Candice MostisserRelationship Coach Expert Interview. 24 January 2020.
Passive aggression may serve your purposes, but it can also destroy your relationship. [9] X Research source If you notice yourself doing these things, ask yourself how you can have your thoughts and needs met in a more adaptive way. Instead, try talking with your boyfriend to figure out why your boyfriend likes spending time with this girl. [10] X Expert Source Cristina MoraraDating Coach Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.
Focus on specific behaviors or events that are red flags for you. This may include things like late night phone calls, your boyfriend taking special time to make himself look nice before he sees her or him seeming to hide things from you. [11] X Research source
You may find this outside person may have insight you missed, and it will help to clarify if you are seeing real problems or just worrying over nothing. This conversation will also give you practice talking things over so you are prepared when it comes time to have the conversation with your boyfriend if it seems like it is needed. Taking the time to reach out for another opinion also gives you a bit of time between an event that might be triggering this conversation and sitting down with the boyfriend. Generally, it is best to give yourself at least 24 hours after a stressful event to calm down and prepare for a sit-down conversation. [12] X Research source
Start off with a casual conversation to gauge how he feels about the situation. If he is suddenly defensive about things or is overly protective of the friend this may mean there are bigger issues. The focus of the conversation should be about the two of you and not dominated by him standing his ground as far as spending time with her alone. If you are spending the whole conversation talking about why he needs to see her or why she really needs him, there are possibly deeper feelings there. [13] X Research source
“I feel left out when you and Jill do activities we talked about doing together because it seems like you didn’t want me there. ” “I feel sad when you cancel plans with me and end up hanging out with her because it looks like she is more fun than I am. ” “I feel angry when I see posts of line of pictures of the two of you because our friends ask why you are posing like that with her. ”[14] X Research source
Making him aware of some red flags tied to how she behaves may also make him more aware that his friend may have underlying feelings for him he may not have considered. For example, if she calls and he lets it go to voicemail when you are together, does she suddenly blow up his phone until he answers? This could be a red flag that it’s her and not him. [15] X Research source
Agreeing on a definition of cheating for your relationship will serve as a benchmark for behaviors and things that are not OK. Make sure to be as clear as possible as far as things you do not see as being within a friendship with the opposite gender.
If you two decide together you are exclusive this needs to be communicated with the female friend to make sure she is getting the same information you are. [17] X Research source
Things to consider would include how often they see each other, if they spend time alone and how he deals with phone calls or texts while you are together. [18] X Research source
Finding out that your boyfriend is hiding details about the friendship with a female can be a sign that there is more going on. Explain to him that it jeopardizes your trust when he hides things. However, it’s also important to believe that he will be faithful to you. Unless he has been giving you clear signs that something more is going on, try not to make an issue where there isn’t one.
You may also need to leave the relationship if you can’t seem to overcome your jealousy and accept their friendship. Perhaps you simply can’t deal with “sharing” his time with another person. You will need to examine your expectations–and maybe talk with a counselor–before you can be in a trusting romantic relationship.
