He has a naturally low sex drive, low testosterone levels, or may be on the asexual spectrum. He’s anxious or embarrassed by a sexual disorder or erectile dysfunction. He feels rejected by you or doesn’t receive enough physical affection in the marriage. He’s masturbating or watching pornography in place of having sex. He’s bored with a sexual routine or is afraid to explore fetishes or kinks. He wants sex more or less often than you.
A big issue is often a lack of communication. One or both of you might not be communicating your wants and needs to fix problems. There’s a general lack of respect or courteousness in the relationship. You might feel insecure or jealous or have unresolved trauma over past experiences of being not wanted by a partner. He may be stressed over work, anxious or depressed, or have avoidant attachment issues.
Depression and anxiety Body image issues Mental or physical exhaustion Attachment issues or a fear of intimacy (emotional or physical) Chronic pain or mobility issues, particularly in older men
A constant large workload with high expectations Starting a new business or navigating the closing of a failed one Being recently fired (he may or may not have told you) Unemployment Being under investigation for wrongful conduct
Previous infidelity, affairs, or lies that lost his trust[6] X Research source Financial trouble like your home being foreclosed on a sudden loss of income One of you is or used to be very ill and needed constant support A death of a family member or close friend Interference from his parents or family, like in-laws not liking you or expecting him to spend all his time with them A natural disaster like a hurricane or fire destroyed your home or cost you a lot of money
An emotional affair usually involves a third party that secretly knows the inner workings of your marriage while you’re unaware that they know. Infidelity is one of the top reasons that marriages end because it’s so hard to rebuild trust afterward.
Remember, some signs of not wanting you are toxic attempts to control you. Remove yourself from the house if you feel your safety or wellbeing is at risk. If the root of your husband’s distance is abusive or manipulative, seek individual or couples counseling rather than trying to mend the relationship on your own.
Acknowledge the issues you’re bringing to the marriage, too. It shows self-awareness and a commitment to change that may inspire him to open up. Take the high road and avoid harsh criticism, pettiness, ignoring him back, or demanding things from him. Try not to descend to his level. Tell him you’ll plan an intervention with friends or family if he’s unwilling to talk. Make it clear that this can’t go on without giving ultimatums.
Tell him your feelings clearly with a kind and respectful tone. One or both of you may feel intimidated talking about your issues so intimately. Use “I” statements to express yourself without criticizing him, which might shut him down. Try things like “I miss you” or “I feel like we’ve been drifting apart. ” Ask for his perspective and thoughts and make it clear you’re listening—understanding his side of things is crucial for moving forward together.
Let him have space if it’s one of his core needs. If your husband doesn’t get time to unwind and recharge, he may be more tempted to shut you out.
If he’s resistant, try pointing out his admirable qualities and explain how getting treatment could help him better himself even more. [14] X Trustworthy Source National Alliance on Mental Illness Grassroots mental health-focused organization providing resources, support, and education for those affected by mental illness Go to source Help him find a therapist or online treatment options if he doesn’t know where to start. If he’s intimidated to go to his sessions, offer to drive him, sit in the waiting room, or even join him if he and his therapist think it’s helpful or appropriate.
A marriage counselor helps you improve communication so you both feel heard, strengthen your emotional connection, and increase cooperation. Marriage counseling is successful with about 75% of couples.
Schedule adventurous and exciting new activities together, like zip lining or a road trip. When you give yourselves exciting things to look forward to, it ignites more arousal and intensity in your relationship which can make you feel more wanted.
Your husband’s not happy with you or your marriage, no matter how hard you try. He doesn’t make much effort to reach out to you or ask about your life. He forgets special dates or anniversaries. He doesn’t engage with you or seem to respect your opinions, thoughts, or point of view. He’s not physically affectionate. This includes a lack of sex and things like not wanting to hug, kiss, or cuddle. Your husband has stopped making plans with you and makes a point to be out of the house or with friends. He treats other people better than you and points out your flaws or puts you down (privately or in public). He’s generally more selfish and irritable than he used to be. You feel like you’re living with a roommate rather than a partner or spouse who respects you. He blames you for the quality of your marriage and might try to turn your kids, friends, or even family members against you.
Remember that your husband’s ebbing interest may not have anything to do with you. Don’t let it lower your self-esteem while you navigate the issue.
Emotional distance can happen when one partner is avoidant and prefers to isolate when problems arise rather than face them directly.
When your husband pulls away from quality time, it may mean he isn’t prioritizing your marriage or has external stressors affecting his life balance.
If you have a special talent, like playing an instrument or cooking something special, pull it out during quality time to wow your husband. Plan a weekend getaway together if a lack of time together is part of your problem. Leave the kids at home and try not to be on your phones too much.
For an extra sentimental experience, recreate your first date. Put on similar outfits and go to your first meeting spot if it’s nearby or still around.
Share your internal world—the fears and opinions you have about things in your life, work, a friend or family issue, or something intellectual. Try scheduling time to talk specifically about your feelings and relationship if it doesn’t come naturally to you and your husband. Regularly talking with your spouse is one of the best ways to keep your marriage healthy and happy.
Handle your conversations about these unhelpful patterns with humor and respect for your partner. Some patterns could include trying to help or change him when he doesn’t want it, or wanting him to open up more but he resists you (a push-pull pattern).
Consider if there are absolute deal breakers in your marriage at the root of your issues, like one spouse wanting a child while the other one doesn’t. Stand up for your personal values. If you can’t tolerate a husband who was unfaithful, then it’s probably the right decision to leave if he cheats. Remember, you deserve to feel wanted and have your needs met by your partner or spouse.
