Vulnerability Embarrassment Fear Insecurity
Invasion of space or privacy Discussing grades or school responsibilities Privileges being revoked Asking about relationships with friends or significant others Arguments over chores
“Mom, I’m feeling really frustrated and need a little bit to think about all of this. ” “I’m kind of upset right now, but I’d like to keep talking about this later. ” “Mom, I am having a bad day, Can we talk about this later?”
Calm yourself by repeating soothing things to yourself, such as “You are okay, just calm down” or “Take it easy, everything will be fine/okay. ” Leave the situation and go for a walk or a run. Exercising will help relieve some of the intensity of your anger, and the time away will give you time to think. Try slowly counting to 10 before you speak (or a higher number if you need more time!). Focus on slowing your breathing. Take slow, deep breaths through your nose, and then slowly exhale out your mouth. Repeat this until you feel your heart slowing and your anger subsiding.
Try to find a middle ground with her, and be prepared to make a sacrifice to reach a compromise. Try offering to do extra chores around the house, like doing the dishes or cleaning your room. Show your mom you are really trying by doing things without being asked, like helping set the table for dinner or practicing your instrument. This will help your mum calm down if you had an argument too.
Use “I” statements to discuss your feelings and thoughts from your perspective, which is less argumentative and can help steer the conversation with your mom in a positive direction. [5] X Expert Source Jin S. Kim, MALicensed Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 14 May 2019. For example, try saying “I feel a lot of pressure to do all of these chores when I still have so much homework left” instead of, “You make me do so much housework that I have no time for myself!” Avoid putting down her beliefs or ideas. You don’t have to agree on everything, but saying things like “That’s a stupid idea!” is counterproductive. Focus on the present, and don’t dredge up all past grievances. It will confuse your point of view and quickly escalate the conversation into an argument. Be respectful and avoid sarcasm at all costs; it is the fastest way to derail a positive conversation. [6] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source Instead of responding, “Yeah, I’ll get right on that Mom” try saying, “I know you want me to do that right now, but would it be all right if I did that after I finish this assignment?” Don’t play your parents off of one another. This will only cause the situation to escalate, and even more feelings could get hurt.
Try restating and summarizing after you hear her side. [8] X Research source For example, you could say something like, “Mom, let me see if I understand you correctly. It sounds like you’re saying I can’t have the car on weeknights because of school, but you are okay with me using it on Saturday night if I put gas in it. Is that right?” This has two benefits: it shows you were listening to your mom, and it allows her to clarify anything that may have been misunderstood.
If you are unable to come to an agreement, then agree to disagree. Because you need two people to argue, if you see that the conversation between you and your mom isn’t going anywhere, disengage from the argument and move on. Try saying, “Mom, I feel like we are talking in circles now, and I think we should table this conversation for the time being. ” If you do come to an agreement, acknowledge the accomplishment! Be sure to apologize if you need to, and be humble when saying “I forgive you” to any apologies from your mother, but after that a simple, “I really liked how we handled that. Thanks, Mom” will go really far moving forward. [9] X Research source
Listening to music Exercising Writing down your feelings and thoughts Deep breathing Talking with a trustworthy friend
