Early on, talk over what role, if any, you should have in your spouse’s stepchildren’s lives. Your spouse may want to have contact with them on their own and not expect you to join. However, your spouse may want you to make an effort to get to know their stepchildren. If you have different expectations or intentions, talk it out. Try to find a middle ground. For example, you don’t want to be involved at all, but your spouse wants you very involved. Maybe you could agree to spending time with the stepchildren once in awhile, but having your spouse prioritize their relationship with them more. These sets of relationships can become complicated. If you can’t come to an agreement, it’s a good idea to talk things over with a therapist.
In some cases, someone may have partial custody of their stepchildren. If they officially adopted stepchildren during their previous marriage, the stepchildren may be at your home for long periods. In this case, you may want to adopt a parental role. This may mean being willing to enforce rules and set boundaries. However, sometimes stepchildren remain close to stepparents, but there are no legally binding relationships in place. Your spouse may simply see their stepchildren on occasion, as they have remained close despite a divorce. In this case, you may play a different role in their lives. You can interact with the children more like a friendly adult figure than a parental figure.
Spend real time together. You may be tempted to do something fun every time the stepchildren are over, but going to a theme park each time you interact won’t help you get to know the stepkids better. Instead, try to do low-key things with the stepchildren. For example, have dinner together or have a family game night.
Talk to your spouse about what they want from you. They may want you to be polite to the stepchildren, and join them on get togethers on occasion, but not to get too deeply involved. You may not be welcome to, for example, give the stepchildren advise or discipline the children when they’ve over. You should also keep in mind what the children’s parents want. Make sure your spouse knows any rules or boundaries the children’s parents have set. They may not be comfortable with an adult they do not know engaging with their kids a lot.
When your spouse does not meet an expectation, pause and evaluate that expectation. Were you being fair? Did your spouse know you had that expectation? Can you let go of these kinds of expectations? For example, maybe your spouse took their stepkids to the zoo without inviting your children. You expected them to do so, but pause and think about this. Maybe your spouse is not ready to have their stepkids meet your children. Maybe they just wanted to spend one-on-one time with their stepchildren. It may not be fair for you to expect your spouse to work on your timeline. You may not be able to always expect your children will be included, as your spouse’s time with their stepchildren is valuable to them.
Try to compartmentalize all your frustrations. Think about times where you’ve felt left out, angry, or frustrated. You should also think about times when you did not act your best in the relationship. Imagine yourself putting all those negative moments and emotions in a box. Then, imagine yourself closing the box and walking away from the negativity. However, this may not work 100% of the time. If you’re unable to let go of a resentment or frustration despite trying, you should talk it out. It’s better to address major resentments head on rather than letting them linger.
You should also be aware you may have a tendency to lavish affection or gifts on stepchildren to overcompensate if you have kids of your own. This will only make your children feel resentful of the stepchildren, so avoid doing so.
For example, your spouse is fighting with their ex about spending a weekend with the stepkids. Your spouse wants your support. Try to take a step back. How would you feel if you were your partner’s ex? Maybe you would not be comfortable with your ex’s new spouse making demands regarding your children. It may not be a good idea to stand by your spouse in this case.
Explain any frustrations and concerns you have. For example, “I’m just not comfortable getting in between your argument with your ex-wife. I wouldn’t want my ex’s new spouse weighing in on how I feel about my kids. "
Try to propose getting everyone involved in a conflict together at a neutral location to talk things over. Make sure everyone feels they can express themselves and their concerns openly. This may be difficult or cumbersome, but do the best you can.
You can find a therapist online, through your insurance, or through a referral from your regular doctor. Look for someone with experience in stepfamilies if possible.
