Think about specific values. For example, did your parents value religion, education, or wealth? How much did that impact your formative years? Consider asking your parents to discuss their values with you. Ask them what they considered to be the family values, and ask how they integrated them into your development.
You can also reflect on your career choice. For example, if fighting for social justice is a core value of yours, have you chosen a career path, such as social work, that integrates that value? One way to figure out what your values are is to examine how you spend your money. Does most of it go towards entertainment? Travel? Or do you give a lot to charities or political causes?
Common values include: honesty, balance, caring, generosity, health, humor, learning, wisdom, leadership, and compassion. Think about your family as you consider values such as cooperation, financial stability, humility, and patience. Try thinking about the values in terms of categories. For example, your categories could include: Personality, Career, Family, Friends, Health. Try looking at the list of values and figuring out which category to put them in. This organization can lead to clarity about what matters most to you.
Ask your family to join you for a discussion about values. Begin by asking open ended questions such as, “What is most important to our family?” You can also try, “What brings you happiness? How does that affect our family?” Other good questions to ask include, “What makes you most proud about our family?” or “What do you look forward to when you come home?” You could also try “What embarrasses you about our family?” and “What does our family provide for you that you don’t get from friends?” Consider having each family member answer these questions individually. Then you can openly and honestly compare answers. Encourage your family members to ask questions, too. Be thinking about how you’re feeling as your family discusses these values. This will increase your self-awareness of what might be causing those emotions, and how that indicates what you think is important. [4] X Expert Source Amy WongLeadership & Transformational Coach Expert Interview. 30 April 2020.
You can also use non-verbal cues to indicate that you are listening. Nod your head when someone is speaking, and smile to indicate you appreciate what is being said. Try to limit interruptions. Ask everyone to put away their cell phones and turn off the tv while you are having this important conversation.
Writing things down can help your family gain mental clarity about shared values. Try writing down items such as “help society” or “religion/spirituality” or “honest communication with family members”. Try having each family member choose 3-4 values that they feel are most important. Combined, this will give you a manageable number of values to put on your permanent list. For example, you could choose “Safety” as one of the primary values for your family. Each family member could then indicate how they will stick to this value. You could pledge to always drive the speed limit. Your daughter could promise to always wear a helmet when riding her bike.
You can also encourage your kids to explain their opinions. Try saying, “What do you like about this choice? Why do you think adding humor as a family value is the best option?"[5] X Research source If your children are still pretty young, you can find other ways to get them involved. Try having them draw a picture of the things they love about your family.
Write down what the purpose of your family is and a strategy for making sure that you remain focused on that purpose. Try writing an introduction that states why your family is choosing these particular values. You can talk about how your family is committed to these values in order to help promote good life choices. The introduction doesn’t have to be long, just a paragraph will do. List the values. You can organize them by categories such as Health, Happiness, Balance, and Stability. Then, you can indicate your family strategy for sticking to each of these values. [7] X Research source You can print the mission statement and have it framed. Having it hang in your home is a good way to remind each of you of what is truly important to your family.
Ask all of the members of your family to adopt this habit. Once you have a mission statement that is easily accessible, it will be easy for everyone to reference the list of values on a daily basis.
Schedule time for the whole family to spend together. It can be as simple as eating dinner together, or something like devoting a whole Saturday to family activities. Let each member of the family have input in your activities. For example, if your daughter loves to exercise, try taking a hike together.
Make life choices part of a family discussion. Before major changes are made, call a family meeting to discuss how the potential change aligns with your family values.
It’s okay if it’s sometimes difficult to implement the values you hold. Doing so is a process, and spiraling into negative emotions about your struggles won’t make things easier. [11] X Expert Source Amy WongLeadership & Transformational Coach Expert Interview. 30 April 2020. If your number one family value is honesty, make sure that you are candid and truthful. Apply this value to your work life and your social life. Modeling is the best way to help children learn values. For example, if you value respect, show your kids how to be respectful by always addressing other people with consideration.
Is learning one of your family values? Think about translating that into a concrete goal. Think about the steps you can take to focus on learning as a family. For example, you could all learn a new language together or take a cooking class. This will integrate your family values and goals. If financial responsibility is a family value, you could use that guiding principle to make sure that each family member understands the importance of sticking to a budget. That way, you can accomplish family goals of saving for retirement, college, etc. If resiliency is a family value, you can all meditate together once a week or so. This will help you become better equipped to respond to unexpected times in life. [12] X Expert Source Amy WongLeadership & Transformational Coach Expert Interview. 30 April 2020.
